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HOW TO LET THE RIGHT WOMAN IN BY LETTING THE WRONG WOMAN OUT
by Dr. Alex Benzer
of Tao of Dating
December 5th, 2007
Hey there. Got a letter from a reader which brought up a lot of interesting points:
*****LETTER FROM A READER***
Dear Dr. Alex,
I do enjoy your email newsletters. My situation may or may not be unique but I want to know how your program might help my wife and I get back together. I do care for her very much. We had been married 10 years. I have convinced her to remain friends and in close communications with each other. Obviously, I feel a great attraction to her but she does not seem to feel that same passion.
On the other hand I am convinced she has some very strong feelings for me as, in her words, I am her "best friend and soulmate". I do believe that we were meant to be together (I cannot explain this, it is just a conviction in my heart of hearts).
We have been divorced almost one year, been seeing each other often and I know she has been dating around as well. She has bought her own house and her whole life is focused on this project for now.
Please let me know your thoughts.
-- Steve J., Michigan, USA
**************************
Whoa! Heavy business. Or so it seems.
There is saying from Sun Tzu that I quote often: "The battle is won or lost before the first blow is struck."
Not to say that dating is a battle, but the parallel in the dating world is in how you frame your interaction with a woman.
If you frame it as "Let's see if this is someone I'd like to spend time with", you win every time (even when you think you've lost). If you frame it as "How do I get her", then you lose every time (even if you win).
This may sound paradoxical to you, in which case, all I have to say is "Excellent!" Much of the wisdom of the Tao is paradoxical in nature. "The slow overcomes the fast, the soft overcomes the hard..."
But I digress. The reason is this: when you're approaching with the "how do I get her" mindset, you are already in the scarcity mentality. You're thinking "I must get this one", as opposed to "what I'm really after is fulfillment, and that I can find in thousands of places, this being one of them."
Do you see the difference? The "how do I get her" mindset immediately puts you in a place of neediness. And the needy do not get fed. Spiritually speaking, if you accept that the universe reflects you and your dominant thoughts, then your neediness gets reflected as neediness right back at you.
Now, in the case of Steve, I know this is not what he wants to hear. He wants a way to get his wife back. And sure, I could give him a handful of strategies to do something along those lines, and they'd have a decent chance of succeeding.
However, this would be like putting a Band-Aid over a gash. Or treating the pain of appendicitis with aspirin.
You see, for Steve, I'm not interested in helping him succeed in getting his wife back. I'm interested in seeing him SUCCEED, period. In his whole life. And sometimes what's happening in the big picture requires that some seeming sacrifices be made on the small scale.
Now I don't know Steve or his wife. But even from the surface description a few things are clear: They were married for 10 years. They got divorced. And now Steve is more interested in her than she is in him. In his words, "Obviously, I feel a great attraction to her but she does not seem to feel that same passion."
Now let's say they had never been married before, and they had just dated. And now the story may sound more familiar to you. Maybe you or someone you know has experienced something similar.
This is the widespread phenomenon of 'chasing the wrong person.' Why do I know she is the wrong person? Because amongst all the millions upon millions of women out there, you know two undeniable things about her:
1) You've already had one failed relationship with her.
2) She's not that into you.
And yes, there are millions of women out there with whom you have not yet had a train wreck, and who are or have the potential to be somewhat into you.
I can just hear Steve talking now, though: "But Doc, you don't know the history. We had such great times. So much we shared"... etc. etc. etc.
There is a concept in basic economics called 'sunk costs'. Basically, it means that if you
already plunked down $20 for movie tickets, and then a really cool party comes up that you want to go to instead, you've still lost the $20 whether or not you go to the movie.
Human beings are notoriously bad at understanding and implementing the notion of sunk costs.
I call it the slot machine model of human behavior. When you put a quarter in the slot machine, it's gone. If you put another 500 quarters in the slot machine, they're all gone, too. But somehow, after the 500, people think, "Well, it's going to pay off any second now—I've loaded it up, and I can't let go of the 500 quarters I already put in! I'm invested!"
Yes you can let it go. That money is gone. It's NOT an investment. And the probability of getting a payoff is exactly the same with each pull of the handle—namely, minuscule.
Let's bring that to the realm of relationships. You've gone out with a girl for 3 months. 3 years. 30 years. Whatever. Now she's being nasty to you, and it's no longer fun. But you have to salvage that time, you tell yourself. Otherwise it's 'wasted'. So you stay in. And murder more time in the name of saving time that will never be retrieved.
Wake up! You will never salvage time. And it wasn't 'wasted'—you lived it, doing what you wanted to do at the time, which seemed like a good idea at the time.
The Nobel-prize winning economist Joseph Schumpeter came up with the brilliant idea of 'creative destruction'—that, in order for the new, better stuff to emerge, you have to get rid of the old stuff. All the horse and buggy people were put out of business with the emergence of the automobile.
Or, as I like to put it, you need to put down the burger you're holding in order to be able to take hold of the filet mignon that life is offering you.
So, in the case of Steve—or you, or your friend who's stuck on some not-terribly-worthy person, whether male or female—the question is not, "How do I get that person back into my life who at best creates a mediocre amount of fulfillment for me?"
The real question is, "How can I afford, in good conscience, to spend time and effort chasing down mediocrity that BLOCKS the entrance of something truly amazing and fulfilling in my life?"
Unconscionable, my friend. And a crime on this abundant planet.
Which brings us to another concept from economics: opportunity cost. Or, that you can only do one thing to the exclusion of all other things.
A week does not pass when someone asks me why I quit medicine. They are doubly amazed when I tell them that I did it *after* getting my medical degree, and after the prelude of preparatory college courses required to get into medical school.
"How could you just leave after all those years of work? Aren't they wasted?" And my answer is simple: "Better to spend 4 years of my life doing something I wasn't thrilled to do than 40."
Some of you who are reading this right now are stuck in unfulfilling relationships, marriages, jobs, friendships, living arrangements, whatever.
I want you to take a hard look at your situation, and ask yourself: "By complacently letting this be and not taking decisive action to end this situation, what good fortune, joy and abundance am I keeping out of my life? And how much longer can I afford to do this?"
So, going back to the beginning of this article, let's see what happens when you take on the frame of the wealth-conscious, astute observer, and say, "Let's see if this is the kind of person I'd like to spend time with."
Now you're doing your due diligence. You're not being hungry—quite the opposite. You're being selective—in itself an attractive trait. You have in mind that there are many options out there, so if this doesn't work out, that's fine, too. There's more where that came from.
And you also know that you're entitled only to your actions, not your results. And right action—which the Chinese call 'te', as in the Tao TE Ching—is your reward. When you have TE, you have already succeeded. You have done what it takes, and since you are detached from results, you put that TE into the universe and let the consequences occur as they may.
Now, to Steve, I could have simply said, "It's time to move on, brother." But that wouldn't explain why that's the best course of action for him. And if he does move on, and finds another woman (or several other women) who are really into him, and reciprocate his physical attraction, is it possible that the ex-wife will take a second look and suddenly get a little more interested?
Not unheard of. And once again, in the supremely paradoxical nature of the Tao, letting go of something will be exactly what brings it back to you.
In the fine tradition of these articles, I'm not just going to tell you what the problem is without offering you a solution, too. So, here are some ideas for getting out of a scarcity mindset and into an abundance mindset:
1) Go do some volunteer work in an underserved area—REALLY underserved area. Donate your time, energy and money. Not only will that make you realize how abundant your life is, but it will make you feel purty darn good.
2) Plan on doing something for yourself in the near future—just for you. Something event-oriented is better than just buying yourself a trinket, since that effect wears off quick. Buy concert tickets, sign up for a class, book a trip. Just for you. This will boost your mood and self-esteem all the way to the time of the event and beyond.
3) If you're into tools, I recommend my Mindtracks. They're hypnotic scripts supplemented by a short lecture, so they hit you where just reading something or talking to someone can't reach. The Abundance Generator in particular addresses the issues discussed in this newsletter. The Courage Amplifier and Intention Amplifier are pretty decent, too.
4) Re-read the Tao of Dating, especially the parts on Beliefs and Attitudes, and APPLY the material.
That's all for now! Send me more about your queries and challenges. If your topic is of general interest, I may even devote a whole article to it.
The power is within you,
Dr Alex
www.thetaoofdating.com
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