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HOW TO WORK A ROOM: 10 TIPS TO GET YOU STARTED
by Dr. Alex Benzer
of Tao of Dating
October 10th, 2007
Dr Alex here, reporting from the frontlines of human social research. At least that's what I call it when I go out nowadays.
So Friday night I was at this big ol' mixer. I've been co-hosting these for some years now, and they feature recent graduates from various colleges. About 300 people show up each time, to give you a sense of scale.
Although the events are open to anyone, whether single or attached, 95% of the people who attend are single. And they are there primarily to meet new people—preferably members of the opposite sex.
Now over the years and dozens of these events, what I've found most remarkable is how ham-handedly they go about meeting new people. (To my foreign readers: that means they're not terribly good at it.)
For example, they go and shrink in a corner and say, "Well, I don't know anyone here." I mean, for godssakes, if you didn't want to meet new people, why bother getting all decked out, driving, parking, paying for drinks and showing up to a social event? You could stay at home and not run the risk of meeting people you don't know. Yeesh.
Then there's the guy who runs laps. You know—he comes around, pokes his head inside a conversation, or just kinda hovers—then disappears. Five minutes later, he's back. Repeat ad nauseam all night long.
So I've come up with a quick set of observations—things to do and things to avoid—to make the most out of your outings. I'll also explain a little bit about what works and what doesn't.
Here we go:
1) If you have put in the effort of dressing up, putting on nice cologne, driving out to the venue and paying for exorbitantly-priced drinks, then you might as well commit to the idea of meeting new people and having fun doing it.
The fact that there are people you don't know at a party is not a bug—it's a feature. That's what a party is. Deal with it. Work with it, not against it.
2) Do show up in a good mood. A smile makes you orders of magnitude more approachable than a frown or a blank expression of boredom.
A simple technique to do that is to think about a hilarious joke—preferably of the raunchy variety—as you enter the place or as you're scanning the room. Nothing will make you lonelier than a stern frown of seriousness (or fear), which is what 90% of people are wearing at these events.
If you are smiling or slightly giggling as you are looking at a woman, this creates instant intrigue. "Is he smiling at me? Does he think I'm cute? If he is, why won't he come up and say something? Why is he having more fun than the rest of the people?" Mirth = charisma. Work it.
3) If there's no one you know yet, do stand or sit for a while and take in the scene. This is much better than 'doing laps'. It's very noticeable when you're just running around the place, and for some reason, it's not very attractive. Smells a little like desperation.
Whereas if you're just sitting there, minding your own business, it speaks of calm self-sufficiency. Much more attractive.
I cannot tell you how many conversations with women have started because I was just sitting there at the bar, not saying a word and taking in the scene, or leaning on a column, just enjoying my drink. Project silent power.
4) Do warm up the talking muscle. Conversation, like any other activity, requires specific muscles and parts of the brain to be activated. Just like in exercise, it helps if you have already increased the blood flow to these body and brain parts.
So start talking—to yourself in the car, to your buddies, to the bartender, whatever. Call up a friend and talk on the phone for 5 min. Once the words start to flow, you open the verbal floodgates of your brain and you really get going.
I can't tell you how many times I started an evening mute as a tree, without a single interesting topic coming to mind, and then after a little warm-up, ideas were just flying, coming out of seemingly nowhere. The ideas were sitting in a part of my brain that had been dormant. A little bit of stimulation, and they all woke up and wanted to play.
5) Do make an effort to remember everyone's names. Most people are so preoccupied with the impression they're making that they forget your name the millisecond you utter it.
Not you. You are genuinely interested in the person in front of you, which is why you make a mental note of her (or his) name. You ask her to repeat it, then you repeat it yourself. Get the last name, too—the combination tends to stick longer than just 'Jennifer' or 'Mike'. If the name is unusual, ask her to spell it.
And, as a super-advanced technique, add a picture to the name. So if the name is 'Pat', imagine that a pat of butter is melting on her head and making a big mess. 'Stu' is a big stew of hearty meat and potatoes. 'Allie' is a big ol' alligator about to bite your arm off. And so on. You can remember an entire room's worth of names like this, easily and effortlessly.
6) Do position yourself in an accessible, preferably high-traffic area. If you sequester yourself in the corner couch with your two buddies around you, you have effectively created an impenetrable fortress that no stranger will approach, no matter how daring. I can't tell you how many people (especially women) do that.
Stop it! If you park yourself at the bar instead, people have no choice but to rub elbows with you, thereby naturally and easily starting some kind of interaction. Near the front entrance is also good—people tend to be more receptive to interaction right when they walk in, and here's your opportunity to be a good 'host' and give them their first welcome. You're also getting first dibs on anyone you find interesting—bonus.
7) Do break away from your friends and mingle solo. If you are two or three guys (or girls), it's that much more challenging for a solo member of the opposite sex to just come up to you guys and say hi.
So break it up—especially if your friend is a member of the opposite sex. If you're a guy with a female friend, another woman will assume you're together unless proven otherwise. Guys are also more reluctant to approach a woman who already seems to be with a guy.
The flip side to that is that it's easier for a group of two guys to approach a group of two women—pretty obvious there. There are other subtleties here that we won't get into right now; we'll stick to the basics for the moment.
8) Do have an interesting anecdote to share. This is much better than falling into the common trap of answering such tired and essentially uninteresting questions as 'What do you do?' and 'Where are you from?'
People are generally bored out of their brains. If you can be even remotely entertaining (without necessarily being a showman), you will make insta-friends wherever you go. So have a funny story or two, with beginning, middle and end, and be ready to hit the 'play' button. You've lived a plenty interesting life, so make sure it's your story, not some canned nonsense from someone else.
9) Have a pen, something to write on, and business cards with you. How silly would you feel if you met the woman of your dreams, but couldn't take down her number because she was being dragged away by her friends and you had no pen? Exactly. Always be prepared.
10) Be relentlessly positive. Check all negativity at the door. Let there be no stories of disaster, how you got a ticket on the way there and your landlord's a monster. Especially not good is talking behind anyone's back, no matter how wicked that person and how much he/she deserves it.
People have come out to have a good time. There's plenty of darkness and negativity in the world which the TV and newspapers are happy to bring to everyone as soon as the event is over. Be the beacon of joy, and the world will flock to you not even knowing why.
These are some basic observations right off the top of my head. Now that I think about it, there are a whole bunch more, and a series of advanced and super-duper-advanced techniques as well.
Some of this stuff I've already talked about in 'The Tao of Social Networking', one of the two companion booklets to 'The Tao of Dating'. So if you already have that, it may be a good time for a review.
The power is within you,
Dr Alex
PS: Can you think of friends who would also find this article useful? Then show them how good a friend you are—do them a big favor and send the article to them.
PPS: I'm interested in your questions and comments regarding dating, persuasion and networking, so please do send them to me. I can be reached at dra***x@th***.com[ ? ]
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