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POWER TOOLS FOR DATING AND THE IMPORTANCE OF LEADERSHIP
by Dr. Alex Benzer
of Tao of Dating
November 9th, 2007
Let's talk about Power Tools for Dating.
I like the metaphor of a power tool because it just makes a lot of sense. When you have the right tool, you can get a job done with a lot less effort and time expenditure.
Just a few days ago, one of my bookshelves gave in under the weight of all the books I'd piled on it (no joke). So I had to reinstall a shelf, which involved screwing the shelf support into the wall.
Now I had a screwdriver myself, and I started to stick the extra-long screw in the wall, millimeter by millimeter. Progress was slow, it was needlessly hard work and it was starting to hurt.
So I jumped up, went across the hall to my neighbor, who has every imaginable power tool known to man. And I asked to borrow his power drill.
I came back with the drill and put the suitable attachment on there—and in less than 3 seconds, the screw was very happily screwed into the wall, exactly the way it needed to be. Same for the second screw on the other shelf support. Less than 10 seconds for both.
Okay, enough with the hardware heroism story. The point is this: there was an initial investment in the power drill. For the owner, it was maybe a couple of hundred dollars. For me, it was getting off my butt, going across the hall, and humbly asking to borrow said drill.
But then the long-term payoff for ever and all time is HUGE. Every time you want to screw something in, you can do it with minimal effort.
But even more important: now, in your mind, that little niggling thing that used to be an impediment to whatever you wanted to do—"Aw man, I could install that thing, but putting the screws in the wall is going to take forever"—is gone.
This opens you up to a whole new range of projects and possibilities which are now firmly entrenched in your comfort zone. And allow you to go BEYOND.
To make this relevant to dating, let's look at a letter one of my students sent to me recently:
*************************
----- Original Message -----
From: "Alex L."
To: Dr Alex Benzer
Subject: Question about backtracking
Dr. Alex,
In the rapport maximizer you talk about repeating verbatim what another person is saying. One thing you do not mention is at which point in the interaction do you actually start doing this? Do you, like other dating gurus, feel that the attraction stage must precede the rapport phase? Conversely, do you start using backtracking immediately even while you're building attraction? Also do you start nonverbal mirroring at the beginning of your interactions or only when you're ready to build comfort (your sexy safe stranger phase)?
***********************
Let's bring everyone up to speed here.
'Backtracking' is the rapport-generating technique where you repeat verbatim part of what the person you're speaking to just said.
This is really simple to do. But for some reason, for most people, this seems clunky and unnatural. It's outside of their comfort zone. It's a bit like that power drill that you don't yet have, either because it's across the hall at your neighbor's place or because you haven't bought one yet.
Part of this has to do with IDENTITY, which goes something like this: "Well, I'm not that power drill guy." "Well, I'm not that backtracking guy."
Well, at some point you also weren't that guy who could walk. Or clothe himself. Or do his own grocery. Or operate an iPod.
Listen up: life is a constant process of expansion. And your brain requires novelty, stimulus and challenge to stay sharp. So every time you say 'yes' to learning something new, you're living a little more. And every time you say 'naah' or 'maybe later' or 'that's just not me', you're dying a little.
This is why the Tao of Dating begins at the level of belief and identity. You ARE that guy who will always be willing to expand his comfort zone, and do new things that will expand and enrich your life. We don't want you do something—we want you to BE SOMEONE.
And that someone is just an all-around awesome guy who has his stuff together. BE THAT GUY.
Rapport techniques (or any other useful technique) are just like those power tools. A little up-front investment—take a course, attend a seminar, read a book, practice the technique—with MASSIVE long-term payoff. Because once you do it well, there's no going back.
For a long time now, I've made the first session on 'Self-Persuasion & Rapport' available for free at www.taoofpersuasion.com. So do yourself a favor and go get it NOW if you haven't already! Stick it on your iPod, learn the techniques and actually DO them.
And to fully answer the rest of Alex L's question: Rapport precedes anything else you want to do when interacting with a human being. What the 'gurus' call the attraction phase is actually a form of getting rapport. You can't cook unless the flame is on; rapport is that flame.
So I would say start getting rapport and backtracking as a habit of interaction with anybody, as soon as you start the interaction. You get to the 'sexy safe stranger' phase by having rapport—otherwise, you're having an impersonal interaction which is neither sexy nor safe.
I'm interested in hearing your questions and stories about dating and persuasion. You can reach me at dra***x@th***.com[ ? ].
The power is within you,
Dr Alex
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