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What Women Really Mean When They Say 'Yes' to a Date
by Dr. Alex Benzer
of Tao of Dating
March 12th, 2008
Lately some friends of mine have been having some interesting experiences, which made me think of the communication challenges in the dating arena.
Here's the story. My friend is in his late thirties. He's about average-looking, and did very well for himself in the last decade, with a thoroughly ridiculous pad up in a very nice neighborhood. He's a very savvy businessman with several big projects going on at any given time. Let's call him Fred.
I'm giving you this information on his background because it will become relevant to our discussion, so hang in there.
Now this friend of mine is actually interested in getting married. And, being the systematic, savvy business man that he is, he's got dates lined up on a steady rotation practically every day of the week. I hardly ever see the boy, bless his soul.
There is an issue, though. Even though he gets a lot of dates, my impression is that he's not really that good at dating -- yet. He's basically a 'nice guy'. I mean, if you've been a nice guy all your life, unless you receive some kind of cosmic jolt (or read a really good book, like this 'Tao of Dating' thing), a nice guy you will pretty much remain.
So his dates consist of taking out these women to way-fancy places, then bringing them to his palatial pad with the killer view.
The strange part is that these women don't necessarily stick around. Because in the end, as nice as fancy restaurants and big mansions are, they are not a substitute for the real substance of connecting with another human being. And there's a certain amount of skill involved in allowing that connection to blossom in a natural way.
Part of that skill involves being aware of what's likely to succeed and what's less likely to succeed.
Let's say you're trying to feed an acorn to a squirrel. If you charge the squirrel and yell, "Here! Acorn for you, Mr Squirrel Man!", you probably won't get as good a result as if you just sit there, patient and still, and wait for the squirrel to come take the acorn from your hand.
Similarly, when arranging dates with your intended, you want to go for high-percentage shots. Why?
Because dating is a challenging business. It's about feelings. It's *personal*, dammit -- "I really liked her, but she didn't like me back!" Ouch. And it takes a strong constitution to keep on going when outrageous fortune keep on throwing its slings and arrows at you.
Because the real subject of this article is keeping your spirits up in the dating realm. This is from Chapter 55 of the Tao Te Ching:
The Master's power is like this.
He lets all things come and go
effortlessly, without desire.
He never expects results;
thus he is never disappointed.
He is never disappointed;
thus his spirit never grows old.
If you have already reached that plane of equanimity where you never expect results, then more power to you. In the meantime, the rest of us mere mortals can work on arranging things such that disappointment becomes less likely.
Back to our story. So what our hero Fred did a few months back is that he met some woman out in Texas and really hit it off with here. He'd been in phone contact with her for a few weeks, and he said he could really feel the connection over the phone.
So he invited her to a getaway weekend in a fancy resort in New Mexico. And she enthusiastically said yes a couple of weeks before the event. She was really looking forward to catching up with him, and it was all set.
You know where this is going, right? The week right before the trip, Fred writes her to check in and re-confirm some details. No response for two days.
Then he calls her. No answer -- leaves a voicemail. No response for two days.
Now it's two days before they're supposed to meet in Santa Fe, and frankly Fred doesn't know where this woman stands. So he calls her again and sends a strongly-worded but cordial email. She finally writes back and says she changed her mind and won't make it.
Fred, of course, feels crushed. He can't believe that this woman, whom he held in such high esteem, would do such a thing. Say 'yes' so enthusiastically so many times, then bail at the last minute. She just wasn't the flaky type! How could she do this to him?
Now let's observe what happened from a different perspective. First of all, when Fred told me about this 'weekend getaway' date, I assigned it a failure rate of about 90%. Why? Because he had also told me that he had met this woman in person only once before.
Let's do the exercise that we do in the 'Insight Generator' Mindtrack. Let's put ourselves in the shoes of a beautiful, professional, single thirtyish woman who's met a rich handsome guy at some conference and has been talking to him on the phone for a couple of months.
One day you're having an emotionally rich conversation over the phone. You're really connecting with this guy, and the conversation is flowing. He's going places, he's decent-looking, and he's marriage minded. You wish he lived closer by.
And then, almost out of the blue, he says it: "Why don't you come visit?" Well, California's kind of far. Maybe some halfway point? He suggests a getaway to New Mexico, and you've always wanted to go there. This is great! You totally deserve this. You say yes, yes, yes. You set the date for three weeks from now.
Let's look at what's going on here for a sec. This brings us to the principle of female communication which I state thus: women will make their decisions based on the emotional state they're in at the moment. The most likely thing that's going to happen to a woman's emotional state is that it's going to change. Ergo, the decision she made in that state is also going to change.
Gentlemen -- this is not a bug. It's a feature. And it's not really just a female feature either -- it's how most human beings operate. Guys have this thing inculcated into them about how a man's word is his honor, so maybe they stick to their word a little bit more. But especially in the town where I live, guys are almost as flaky as the girls.
Prof Daniel Gilbert of Harvard talks about this in his book 'Stumbling on Happiness.' The further out into the future a decision is, the more likely someone is to say 'yes' to it. The closer it is to present, the more likely they are to say 'no'. Think about that for a second and see how that is basically a restatement of the phenomenon commonly known as 'flakiness'.
Back to the story (remember, buddy: you are the girl). The date approaches. And as it does, so do concrete, real, physical details of what your decision entails. You need to book a flight -- and this costs money and takes time.
This trip is about to pass out of the womb of fantasy into the harsh realm of reality, and passage through that birth canal of decision could leave the whole thing stillborn.
Because now you realize what you've agreed to: to share a room, and most likely also a bed, with a guy you've met only once in person. Sure, you had a nice conversation, and you even kissed. And you've had some great conversations since.
But the fact of the matter is that this is a no-win situation for you. If you show up and do get sexually intimate with him, it's only expected, and you'll feel kind of cheap. And if you show up and don't get sexually intimate with him, it's just a disaster with hurt feelings on both ends.
Suddenly, the decision to go to New Mexico doesn't seem so clear-cut anymore. At the same time, you really like this guy, and you don't have the heart to cancel on him. You're stuck in limbo, unable to say yes and unwilling to say no.
He calls and leaves messages, and you stall, not really knowing what to do. A day or two pass. The messages get a little more urgent -- heck, the trip is in two days. You feel awful for leaving him hanging like this, so you finally write him an apologetic email saying you're sorry, he's a great guy, but you just weren't prepared to be in such close quarters with him for three days straight. You feel terrible about the whole thing and wish it hadn't happened like this.
So. Who's most responsible for this fiasco? One of the principles of empowerment in life is never to blame anybody or any outside force for what happens. Take responsibility for your actions, because power equals responsibility equals power. And the person responsible for this mess is -- Fred! He set himself up for almost certain failure.
Even if the lady had shown up, Fred was still set up for failure. What if they don't get along? Now he's dropped a couple of grand and a weekend of his life on a mediocre date that he can't get out of.
But let's look at another scenario: what if she *does* show up, and they *do* get along? What if they have wall-to-wall sex all three days and an awesome time? And then go back to their respective homes, thousands of miles away from each other, knowing they couldn't really be together? The resultant heartbreak could very well be the worst result of them all.
I know there's some guy (or girl) reading this saying, "Damn, Dr Alex! You're such a pessimist! What about romance? What if it does work out and they get married happily ever after, just like in the fairy tales?"
Guys. I'm not interested in a 1% chance of your happiness. I'm interested in your long-term fulfillment -- and that involves practice, discipline and insight. Not rash decisions and longshots.
Another quick note: Fred, being a savvy businessman, would never set up a business deal that didn't have the downside protected, or one that involved a large-up front investment before any due diligence with an extremely slim chance of reward. Yet he routinely makes those same mistakes in the dating realm, paying for expensive dates that have a small chance of going anywhere. This is an example of 'domain-specific knowledge' -- knowing the principles in one area yet not applying them elsewhere. Do any of you do that? Hmmmm.
Anyway. So what does is REALLY mean when a woman says 'yes' to a date? You've gotta learn how to decipher female code when it comes to dating. After accumulating a statistically significant sample, here are my observations on how often a woman will show up to a date after saying 'yes'. This comes from my empirical observations; your mileage may vary.
-- If she says "Yes I'm coming" more than a week before an event, there's about a 50% chance she'll come unless she's already put money in it (eg bought a ticket), in which case the percentage is higher.
-- If she says "I think I'm coming", "I'm probably coming", or "Wow, that sounds really interesting -- I'll try to make it", she's not coming.
-- If she says "There's an event right before yours, and I'll see you after that", she's not coming.
-- If she says "I'm definitely coming", she's not coming. The more times she says "definitely", the less likely it is she'll show up. If she volunteers "Oh my god I'm so excited about this", make backup plans. Extremes of emotions are the most likely to change over time, and with them, the concomitant decisions.
-- If you did not confirm the date one or two nights before the event, there's less than a 50% chance she'll come. She'll think *you* changed your mind (we see the world not as it is but as we are).
-- If you invite her to a group event without it explicitly being a date, there's a 30% chance she'll show up. If *she* invites you to said group event, there's a 75% chance she'll show up.
-- If she asks you out, there's an 80% chance she'll show up. Yes, at least a fifth of the time, even when she asks you out, she will cancel. Deal with it.
-- The most likely time for her to cancel is at the last minute (as illustrated in the story
above, for the reasons enumerated above). So always -- and I mean ALWAYS -- re-confirm with enough time for you to make Plan B. There are no exceptions to this rule. The one time you think "Oh, but SHE'S different" is the one time you'll get blindsided.
-- And finally, if she says "What should I wear", "What are you wearing", "Should I bring something" or "Take me, big boy", she's coming.
Moral of the story: the best you can ever do in these situations is 80%. Any process in life has an intrinsic success (and failure) rate, so take that into account. Set up the environment such that it favors your success, have a plan B and C, take nothing personally, keep your spirit young, and go have some fun.
The power is within you,
Dr Alex
PS: Can you think of two friends who would also find this article useful? Then send it to them! They'll thank you for it.
PPS: I'm interested in your questions and comments regarding dating, persuasion and networking, so please do send them to me. I can be reached at dra***x@th***.com[ ? ]
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