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Some men have said “On the first night, we get most of our clothes off, and I start fingering her. She gets off, then says ‘I’ve already gotten what I wanted tonight’ and I end up getting nothing.”
I’ve certainly made THAT mistake before! That happened to me once or twice in college, and I stopped doing THAT.
Here’s the general rule to follow for the consummation. There will be NO touching of clit or pussy until ALL the clothes are off. There can be lots of nipple sucking and tittie squeezing and rubbing of inner thighs, but there will be absolutely NO touching of clit or pussy until ALL the clothes are off (or panties pulled down if in the back seat of a Buick.)
Tug on the panties, but NEVER reach inside them. If she objects to the panties coming off, whatever you do, do NOT reach inside. That would be rewarding IM-proper behavior, and that is a BAD thing!
When the panties come off, lightly touch her clit to create lubrication. Then finger her, but be very careful to NOT make her come. The idea is to get her excited, and aching to be entered, but NOT to make her come.
Then slap on the condom. That tells her it’s time for intercourse. If she objects, go NO further. NO more fingering of pussy or touching of clit. That would be rewarding IM-proper behavior.
When things do progress to intercourse, you damn well better make her come THEN, because we always reward Proper behavior 🙂
All of the above ONLY applies to the first time. After that, when she is your lover, there should be lots of awesome foreplay.
All of the above usually applies to younger women, under 25. As for women over 25, they are more mature, self assured, interested in the man’s pleasure, and decisive. If they go home with a guy, it’s because they have already made the decision that they are going to fuck him. If he gets her off before intercourse, she is even more happy about her decision to fuck him.
But in any case, I would suggest what I advised above, just to be sure. There will be plenty of time on later occasions for awesome foreplay. Remember, if you fuck her, you damn well better make her come. If not, lousy sex will be linked to you. Bad thing. If while fingering her it appears that she is vaginally inorgasmic, you have a lot of training to do.
There are some women who will only go as far as third base the first night of intimacy. This is usually a test of two things: can she trust him, and can he respect her enough to wait until the second night to have intercourse. But for some of the very discriminating mature highly sexual women, it is a test to see if he can give awesome foreplay before intercourse. In those situations, she is looking for a lover who is a very good lover. If it is obvious that she is serious about you and will be back again, go ahead and get her off with foreplay. But only if she takes her panties off.
Which brings us to the classic question: What are the long term ramifications of closing her the first night versus the second night?
My experience has been that if I close a woman the first night, we never see each other again. Of the times I was unable to close the first night, but did on the second night, it led to a long term relationship.
My first experience with that was in college when a very attractive tall young lady and I got together the night we met, and the sex was awesome (I received a number of wonderful compliments) but she never returned my calls! I was crushed, and very puzzled. A few more experiences like that began to tell me something. And then, of the times I was unable to close the first night, but did on the second night, I could not get rid of them.
There have been a few exceptions, but it usually follows that basic formula: First night = one night stand, second night = relationship.
I began to think most women put men into categories – one night stand, relationship material, fuck buddy, just a friend, loser. And there is no overlap. If she wants anonymous one night stand sex, she never sees him again. If she wants him for a relationship, she makes him wait for the second night.
Conclusion #1: Women categorize men.
Sometimes a woman can be moved from one category to another. There are countless examples of successful relationships that started as friends and moved to lovers, (but deeper inspection shows that most of those probably had some sexual tension all along.)
But it depends on the categories. I have never converted a one night stand to a relationship, (unless it specifically started out as a first night consummation of a long term relationship, and that was rare.) Because a one night stand is only about sex, she believes that the man views her only as a sex object, and she does not believe he could ever view her seriously. She believes that he could never respect her as a person. Similarly, I have never converted a fuck buddy arrangement to a relationship, (unless it already had many aspects of a relationship, or she thought it was a relationship.) On a very few occasions I have been able to convert a one night stand to a fuck buddy. Since it was just about sex in the first place, no problem in it remaining just about sex.
Interestingly, there have been a number of situations where I have converted a relationship to a fuck buddy. But I was unable to do it DURING the relationship, because that would violate the premise of a relationship. What I did was to LJBF her, and THEN as friends, after some time had passed, we would reminisce about the great sex, and then I would propose the fuck buddy idea. Since we were no longer in a relationship, and she already knew me to be an exciting lover, it was okay. In fact, if she didn’t really want to look for a new relationship, but just wanted to have hot sex, it was a good thing.
There are rules for each category, and the woman follows the rules.
Conclusion #2. Women follow the rules of each category, and only when it does not violate other current standing rules.
And don’t be surprised if they DO stick to the rules! Rick H is awesome, and he sets himself as a once in a lifetime adventure, “It’s Now or never Baby.” The problem with that is – they never come back! Even though he’s everything any woman could ever want! What’s with that?! (In all respect for Rick, in the cases where he has gotten to know women over time, they tend to want to stay.)
Why do women categorize some men into only one night stands and others into only relationships? What makes her decide? I thought it might be based on what she is looking for at the time. If she just wants a one night stand, that’s what she’s going to look for. If she wants a relationship, that’s what she’s going to look for. But I began to find contradictions to that. Many woman have told me that they are looking for a relationship, but I end up closing them that night and never seeing them again. On other occasions women have appeared to be moving things along very quickly but then won’t let their panties be taken off, just as a test to see if I will respect them, and the next day talking about bringing me to their family reunion.
We have spoken here often about how it appears that women don’t know what they want. But I think most of them do. Ultimately, most of them would like to be in an exciting relationship with a very exciting person that they are completely fulfilled with and have everything they could have ever dreamed of. Sounds reasonable. But how often does that happen? What really is “ideal?” They have some learning to do. They have to have experiences. They may meet an exciting man that does not meet all of their “relationship” criteria, but would be fun to fuck, so they have a one night stand. Sometimes they get into a relationship with a dependable person who might not be as exciting, but they want the companionship and regular sex. Sometimes they get drunk at the bar and meet an ideal relationship material guy, but their inhibitions get displaced by their horniness, and they go for immediate gratification. Basically, they fill the time. They learn on their journey.
And then there are those women who want what they can’t have – they’re called mistresses. And then there are those women who truly don’t know what the hell they want – they’re called flakes.
Conclusion #3: Sometimes women take what works for them at the moment.
I noticed among my friends that they were attracting certain kinds of women. Some of my buddies were always, and only, getting one night stands. And others went from one long term committed relationship to another. Could it be that women SAW them as being in certain categories, and went with that?
I began to notice that on the times that I drove hard for a first night close, it would most often end up that way, and not in a relationship. On those times that I took my time, if anything it ended up in a relationship.
And when I recall the words of Major Mark: “People believe the reality you present them” and “You must tell them what is expected proper behavior” and “Be careful what you wish for” it all became much clearer.
Conclusion #4. Women go with the frame you present them.
It all has to do with setting the proper frame. Decide what it is you want, and present that frame. Articulate what is expected proper behavior. If you want a one night stand, set that frame. If you want a relationship, set that frame.
Some might suggest that you first find out what the woman wants, and then meld to that. But often they give the wrong information anyway. They may say they want a relationship, but only say that so they don’t look like a slut when they fuck you that night. Some may move things along very quickly, but only to get into a position to sink their long term relationship teeth in you. But most often, the woman is waiting for you to tell her what you want, so she can decide if she wants to play by those rules. The best thing to do is define the rules and then let her decide. Yeah, you may miss one or two on the way who may happen to be looking for something specifically different, but being indecisive is placating and results in far more lost opportunities.
Of course, there are exceptions to everything, and the rules change somewhat as women get older and more mature and more secure in themselves.
David Shade
http://www.davidshade.com/
Copyright©2001 David Shade. All Rights Reserved.
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