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More Gold from Sisonpyh
1/7/01 1:10:43 PM Eastern Standard Time
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
From private emails:
My Comment: How do you get out of Valentine's Day when you are dating
several women? If you said you were going to spend it with your mother, if
you've been sleeping with them for over a month I would be surprised that
they wouldn't "insist" on joining the two of you. While I agree with you
that in real life things don't get as complicated as we can think they may
get, I remember when I started to sleep with one girlfriend in particular --
she absolutely insisted that I could date anyone else I wanted at the same
time but she wouldn't have sex with me if I was having sex with anyone else.
I assume in this circumstance you have three choices -- accept her terms,
lie or break it off. It was my experience that later on in that relationship
(once we had sort of broken it off but kept seeing each other) that this
issue gets put to the side. But we had major discussions about "monogamy"
(same stuff you said, but she was quite a master debater).......
Sisonpyh Responds:
You know, it's kind of funny how I really don't think about things like
this.
When a woman says something like "I insist that you spend Valentine's Day
with you" or "I won't have sex with you if you're having sex with other
women" I kind of sort all of that stuff into the "She's testing me" bin and
I just say to myself "Oh, good. She's just shown me that she's trying to
control me and given me an opportunity to shut her down."
I make it clear to women that I can be controlling and that telling me what
I can and can't do is the shortest distance to her leaving.
When I start dating a woman, I make it clear that until we have an
understanding that we're seeing each other exclusively, that we're not. And
if she starts making noise like she wants to spend Valentine's Day with me,
I
might shoot back something funny like "What are you, my wife now? I'm
working on Valentine's Day, so call your ex boyfriend up. He'd probably
looooove to buy you dinner and some chocolate, you know." Now, I would
deliver this in a funny and 'impossible' way so she took the hint.
By the way, women take hints a lot better than you'd guess. If you tell them
that you're busy Wednesday and Thursday, but you'd like to see them Friday,
in my experience they'll usually take the hint not to ask about what you're
doing the other nights, etc. If you don't call them for a week or two,
they'll take the hint that you're not that interested. This can work the
other way, as well, as women often take hints that don't exist and assume
too much. There's a dark side to every virtue.
As for your lady friend who doesn't want you to have sex with other women,
I'd say that has something to do with how the deal was set up in the
beginning, etc.
Since I don't know your situation specifically, I can't really comment with
anything that I would feel confident about. but I'd say that this is another
"challenge" that she's throwing out, whether she realizes it consciously or
not.
My frame of mind is this: most times, a woman will sleep with me early on if
I have the skills to get her to my house, turned on, feeling comfortable
with me, and basically losing control and giving in to her inner drives with
me, etc.
If I wait until I've gone out with her 6 or 8 times, then all this other
'monogamy' stuff starts happening in her mind, as we're now in the
'courting' game.
Next, I assume that if I give her sexual pleasure, take time to find out
what she really likes, etc. that it really doesn't matter what the hell I'm
doing with other women, as she will want more.
(By the way, there are many other approaches that work here. I know guys
that just fuck women without finding out what the woman likes, and the women
come back for more. And I know guys that fuck women who are ass kissers,
who pander to women and also score with them because they have figured out
how to make this work for them. I prefer my approach, because for me it
balances treating her well and respectfully while staying in control.)
The key here is being so fantastic when you have sex with her that she can't
get what you offer anywhere else, so she keeps getting it from you, no
matter what else you're doing.
Two points with this:
1. When I'm with a woman, I don't openly talk about the other women that I'm
seeing, and if they ask about other women (which is VERY rare) I just answer
with something like "I don't think a question like that can lead to anything
good" or I'll make a joke like "Well, why don't I tell you about the MEN
that I'm seeing first" and then keep joking until they give up. They usually
get the hint.
2. I have read several books about sex and how to make a woman feel good.
And I recommend that everyone read as much as possible. Take a lot of time
kissing and finding the parts of her body that she likes touched. Smell her
a lot. Say sexy things to her about how she turns you on. Keep teasing her
for hours. When she say's "I want you inside of me" say "No, not yet" and
so
on. Good books are Sexational Secrets: Erotic Advice Your Mother Never Gave
You by Susan Crain Bakos, Secrets of Sensual Lovemaking by Leonardi (the one
just mentioned on this newsletter), The Fine Art of Erotic Talk by Gabriel,
etc. If you're the one who has made her feel the best, she'll want more.
That's my perspective.
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