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| Carlos Xuma is a dating and attraction advisor, as well as a motivational and life counselor. He's the author of The Dating Black Book, Secrets of the Alpha Man, Approach Women NOW, the Advanced Audio Coaching Series, etc. He conducts workshops and in-field training sessions, phone counseling, as well as group seminars. Carlos has also been featured in Maxim Radio, Utopia Radio, WorldTalk Radio, etc. To find out more about Carlos Xuma's REAL Game, visit them at www.seductionmethod.com. |
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Fear of Success
by Carlos Xuma
of Carlos Xuma's REAL Game
June 30th, 2006
emotional and exhausting letters I've written to you in some time,
but it's message is so important I couldn't wait.
I got this email the other day, and I thought it warranted some
attention and observation, because I think it indicates one of - if
not THE most challenging obstacles to a man's growth with women.
Please read his letter first, and then I'll comment:
Hey Carlos,
I have been beating myself up over a situation recently at work.
Well, I have been working with this girl from my job for about 3
months now, and I have been busting her balls consistently and not
taking any of her sh*t. She has been interested in me for the
longest time, and has showed the most interest the past several
days than any other time before
(I have heard from friends that she wishes I would ask her out and
she is in love with me and all that).
I feel as if she has waited so long for me to express interest back
that since I havent expressed interest after those several days
that I feel like its over.
I just cant seem to get up the courage to ask her to come join me
for some fun or even her number (fear of progressing)! Today, I
came back from work beating myself up for not progressing.
I am pissed off Carlos, can you please help me out man?
--------
CARLOS:
Okay, so what I hear is something that I think a LOT of guys can
relate to.
Let's start first by putting this in perspective. You're doing
really good work just by busting her chops and teasing her the
right way.
Most guys won't go this far in fear of "scaring her off" or
"offending her." They don't realize that what women want most is a
guy that can come from a place of power.
Some guys out there call this a "dominant frame."
Whatever. You don't need terminology. You need a solution.
After you've managed to tease her a little and get a little
cocky... what then?
You've gotten her interested and VERY attracted to you, which is
the goal most guys dream about.
But how do you continue? How do you keep going from here?
This has to be one of the biggest stumbling blocks a guy can run
into. It's caused by something so simple, yet so unbelievably
powerful, you can understand why some guys never break free of its
stranglehold.
There are two things going on here that will cripple your ability
to progress:
1) You are afraid of failure.
2) You are afraid of success.
Whoah.
That's a pretty big revelation.
I'm going to reveal one of the biggest motivational secrets here,
and if you can unlock this psychological mechanism correctly,
you're going to see a very new landscape in front of you.
Most guys run around with this dual fear of success and failure
pressing on them from both sides. It's a potent one, and
inescapable if you cannot see it for what it is.
It's like someone holding up a coin and saying to you as they flip
it: "Heads I win, tails you lose!"
How much would you bet on that toss?
Of COURSE it's hard to move forward when you're going to lose both
ways (in your head, anyway.) You won't even play the game.
Yet that's what countless guys are doing day after day when they
find themselves confronted with the situation that this reader is
experiencing.
First of all, most guys fear putting themselves up for judgment in
front of a woman.
This is commonly called the "approach." Those do-or-die 60 seconds
of sheer terror where most guys find that running naked through a
minefield in downtown Baghdad is preferable to walking up to a
woman and saying "hello."
They fear that if the woman is not interested in them, this
translates into their worth as a man. Most guys put a lot of stock
in what women think of them, so the thought of getting turned down
after you put your ego out there on the line is more than most can
bear.
We fear being turned down when our self-confidence is not strong
enough to handle this kind of rejection.
Geez, even this guy can't move forward when he KNOWS she wants him!
And I'm not belittling his experience ONE BIT because I've BEEN
THERE. I know what it's like to sit in that torture of knowing you
HAVE to act, but you just can't find a way to DO IT.
Now, the second kind of fear is the one that his letter references
directly:
The Fear of Success.
When you can overcome your fear of taking action because of
possible rejection, most guys then fall victim to the next fear of
- WHAT THE HECK DO I DO NOW?
What if - gasp - I get what I WANT?
The other side of your self-esteem now shows itself as you have to
DELIVER on those clever cocky and funny lines you were using to get
her all excited and attracted.
What we want to know is, even if we get past the fear of talking to
a woman and getting things started, what happens in that incredibly
uncertain place after?
Because then you're going to be on the stage in front of her.
You'll have to really show yourself to her and explore this unknown
and uncharted land called "Move Forward."
Uh-oh. Now what?
Not many people would believe you if you told them that most of the
guys out there have a BIG fear of success. It's actually one of the
strongest forces holding so many creative and capable people away
from their dreams.
This is what you are seeing when someone you know who has REAL
talent refuses to show it to others or they won't go after their
dream.
"I'm too old to start writing that book..."
"I'd like to play in a band, but I've got responsibilities at
home..."
"I'd like to finish that degree, but I'm doing fine right now
without it. Besides, I don't have any time..."
"I'd like to go talk to her, but she's probably a bitch anyway...."
or "I'd like to talk to her, but she's not really my type..."
This
is
bullsh-t.
Let's face facts and call it what it is.
B.S.
A self-lie.
We tell ourselves what we can to avoid CHANGE and avoid the
possible disruption that this change might cause, and then we
rationalize it by telling stories to make ourselves feel better.
And then that fear of success turns into a fear of the NEXT
rejection or failure.
Wow, what a vicious circle. Let's break out of it.
Stop listening to the Loserboy in your head. He's the voice of a
thousand IMAGINED scenarios that never came to pass.
"It's easier not to go after your big dreams, isn't it?" Loserboy
whispers in the back of your head in a silky smooth voice. "You
don't want to have to deal with all the headaches of that, do you?
It's easier when you're one of the crowd. No one has big
expectations, and you get to live your life without any hassles."
And without any adventure or glory, either. Or the woman of your
dreams.
Do you want to know how I conquered this paralyzing fear?
I started by re-framing my experience as something COMPLETELY
different.
I remembered the words of Helen Keller: "Life is a great adventure
... or nothing."
I really thought about that, and then I remembered this line I
heard in a movie that finally kicked my butt off the couch and into
gear:
"The dreams of youth are the regrets of maturity."
Whoah.
That's an eye-opener. Think about that one for a minute, please.
Then I went through a little mind exercise that I call the
"Whammy." It goes like this:
I imagined myself as an old man sitting in my wheelchair in the old
folks home. I really imagined this scene so vividly I could even
smell the disinfectant they used on the gray linoleum tile of the
hallway as I rolled along to the TV room where I could eat my daily
cup of pudding.
And I sat there looking back on my life, wondering if there was
anything I had done that I regretted.
Nope.
But I sure regretted a lot of things I DIDN'T do. I could feel that
horrible sinking sensation in my gut when I thought about all the
opportunities I passed up, mostly because of fear. What I wouldn't
GIVE for a second chance to go back and do it again ...
POOF!
Here I am. I got my wish! Now I CAN go do them before it's too late.
Now, in reality, I have no intention of spending my last days
looking back like that, but it could turn out this way. I might not
get the opportunity to save the planet by blowing up an asteroid or
something, or die in glorious combat in the Coliseum. I might end
up in a "retirement community" somewhere. So be it. I just don't
want to give up living life, or have to settle for living on old
memories of what was.
And when the end draws near, I don't want to look back on a long
list of things I COULD have done but talked myself out of.
I had to change the meaning of these events in such a DRASTIC and
RADICAL way that I found the motivation to ACT. It literally had to
be such a POWERFUL experience that I would not be able to look back
again and continue the same path.
I had to act NOW.
Whatever your Whammy is, you must find it. Even if that means you
strap electrodes to your balls and administer shocks until you do
what you must. (Although, you may want to try a few other things
first.)
You want the most brutal Whammy of all?
Go visit the oncology (cancer) ward of a major hospital. Talk to
the terminally ill patients. Get a little perspective on what they
think of your problem with women.
In fact, everything in life can be reviewed like this: Is this
something I would feel stupid telling to someone that's dying?
If so, then it's pretty Small Stuff, amigo.
But, when the day-to-day gets hold of us again, we tend to fall
back into the same routine. We forget what motivated us. We can't
run around every day with the fear of our own mortality in our mind
to push us ...
... until the next time when you're presented with something you
know you WANT to do, but you can't seem to find the power or
courage to DO.
The best way to live your life the way you want is to BECOME the
man you want. So that you feel that this kind of success is not
only something you can HAVE, but that you DESERVE. Your sense of
self-esteem will only allow you to go so far before it will start
to pull the rug out from under you.
You are what you emotionally think about all day long.
- Carlos
Don't give yourself an out. Don't let this moment turn into another where you didn't go after what you wanted from life. Do it NOW.
"The dreams of youth are the regrets of maturity."
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