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HOW TO TURN YOUR INTERACTIONS WITH DIFFICULT WOMEN AROUND
by Dr. Alex Benzer
of Tao of Dating
December 8th, 2007
I've been away for a few days on a vacation/ retreat, which was quite an experience. It was eye-opening in many unexpected ways, and I'd like to share a little bit about that.
See, a few years ago I noticed an interesting phenomenon. It seemed like whenever you called somebody something, they immediately turned into that something.
Let me illustrate. If I were to stay to someone, "Y'know, you're such a jerk," then the most likely response I'd get back is "Well screw you man! I'm gonna kick your ass if you don't shut up."
And if I'd say, "Wow, you're such a kind person," they'd say, "Aww, that's really sweet of you. Thank you so much."
Get it? If you address someone as a jerk, he becomes a jerk in that moment. Address him as a sweetheart, and he becomes that, too.
Sometimes it just got downright comical. I'd say, "You're so inconsiderate," and I'd get back "Inconsiderate? Whatever dude—I don't give a damn what you say." It's like people went out of their way to prove what I said was right about them.
Turns out that words really do have the power to transform. That's because words come out of your intention. And they're the vehicle through which your intention bestows attention on something.
One of the spiritual principles that I've talked about before is "energy flows where attention goes." Whatever you put your attention on gets stronger.
Aha! So that's what was happening. And during this retreat/workshop that I did this last week, that was brought to my attention (and thereby energized) again.
So here's the challenge we're confronted with: How do we deal with difficult people?
Because, as it turns out, pretty much everyone that we're going to deal with on this planet is going to be difficult in some way. Even the saintliest of saints could be stubborn. The kindest of souls could be indecisive. Being difficult = being human.
Since these articles have to do with dating, you're probably wondering how you can apply this principle to that. Well, turns out women are going to be difficult in ways that you may have already encountered.
Sometimes she's going to be moody. Sometimes she will be flaky. Other times she will be clingy. Is there anything you can do to change that?
Well, like most questions in the realm of the Tao, the answer is 'yes and no'. Yes, there is something you can do to change that. No, you will not succeed in changing her every time.
As a wise man once said, "You are entitled to your actions. You are not entitled to your results."
And the action is this: address yourself to that BEST part of her that you want to see flourish.
If you want her to be more loving, address her as if she's already loving. If you want her to be more punctual, address that part of her that stands for punctuality and upstandingness. If you want her to be forgiving, speak to that deep, kind part of her that is the angel of forgiveness.
Are you catching my drift here? Guys—this practice has the power to transform. You don't believe me? Well, why don't we just pull up some examples from your own life.
Did you ever have a girlfriend (or wife) whom you loved dearly, but she was always insecure about your love and faithfulness and suspected you were having a little fun on the side? How long did that relationship last? Did you actually end up having some fun on the side, even though you initially had no interest in doing so?
She directed her energies to that worst part of you that she suspected existed. And even though it may not have existed at the time, more often than not, it miraculously arises out of nowhere and becomes true. Almost like black magic.
Or let's take the reverse scenario. Did you ever date a woman whom you initially found attractive, but then thought was a bit shallow? Did you tell her that and make fun of it? Did she turn into a deep person as a result? Most likely not.
Energy flows where attention goes. And people are remarkably adaptive when it comes to the standards we hold them to. If you hold them to a high standard, unconsciously they say 'okay'. If you hold them to a low standard, they also say 'okay'.
If you get in an argument with her and she gets snippy, mean and vindictive, you have two choices: engage with her in the snippiness, meanness and vindictiveness and watch the whole interaction degenerate even further. OR, draw upon the warrior in you and address that kind, sweet gentle part of her even in that moment when it's least apparent.
This brings to my mind another point. This is precisely why all those seduction-related products out there that rely on preying on women's weaknesses and using gimmicks in order to get them in bed will only cause you more pain than you started with.
Why? Because when you use those gimmicks, you are addressing that weakest, least worthy part of that woman—the part that is in pain, the part that desperately seeks approval, the part that just wants to be distracted from life with some cheap entertainment.
How long do you think a relationship based on pain, approval-seeking and cheap entertainment is going to last?
As an aside, I've known many of these so-called seduction gurus for a long time. And you know what? They may be good at picking up women (and you would be, too, if that was your full-time job). But they are absolute CRAP when it comes to keeping them.
Their lives are like being allowed to order a meal, but never being allowed to finish it. Always running around hungry for the next appetizer. Is that what you're aspiring to? Didn’t think so.
I've talked about this before in the context of why bars and clubs are crappy places to meet women. See, in physics, the laws are already set. So the sole thing that determines the course of a reaction are the initial conditions. However it's set up, that's how it's going to proceed.
So you could be superstar handsome rich studly guy. But if she meets you in a bar, you're just that bar guy. Initial conditions largely determine the future course. Sure, lightning does strike every once in a while. But why use lightning as a source of electricity when you have a power outlet handy, my friend?
The point is this: the woman in front of you will immediately grow in the way that you direct your energies toward her.
If you address your energies to the deepest, most beautiful part of her, then that's how she'll grow. If you address your energies to the weakest, least noble part of her, then you'll get more of that.
I want you to really, really think about that. And start to make it your practice to address the best in everyone.
Why? Because you deserve it! This is how you make YOUR world easier and more fun to live in. Don't do it for them, brotha. Do it for you.
The Tao does not believe in being 'nice' at all. Nice is for wimps. Be real. And practice enlightened self-interest—which often involves doing something difficult NOW to make your life easy down the road. Pour your energies into what will give you the best results over the long-term. Skip the shortcut for the quick fix or the short-term gain.
If you're interested in the deep interplay between masculinity and femininity, what it all means and how to implement it in your life, check out some of the works of David Deida. And continue to address yourself to the best in people, and watch that part of them show and grow.
The power is within you,
Dr Alex
PS: Can you think of friends who would also find this article useful? Then show them how good a friend you are—do them a big favor and send the article to all of them.
PPS: I'm interested in your questions and comments regarding dating, persuasion and networking, so please do send them to me.
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