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REAL EMAIL STRATEGIES FOR GETTING THE RESPONSE YOU WANT
by Dr. Alex Benzer
of Tao of Dating
December 15th, 2007
One of the most frustrating things I've noticed that EVERY guy struggles with in the dating realm is non-responsiveness (no—the OTHER kind). You leave a voicemail and don't get a call back. You send an email—nothing. You make semi-solid plans for the evening, but when the day of the event comes, she doesn't return your calls to re-confirm, and everything falls through.
Does this sound at all familiar? All of you who are reading give me a silent nod.
Now one of the great things about Taoist philosophy is that instead of thinking that this is a bad situation to be in, you can use it to your advantage.
Huh? I'm saying that a woman just semi-dissed you and you should be psyched about it? Yeah, pretty much.
(Incidentally, if you're a woman reading this article—and there are many of you out there—these principles apply equally well. After all, human beings are human beings).
So the Taoist technique is to use the double-edged sword: to take the action that moves you forward *regardless of outcome*.
How is this possible? Well, there are two ways that you can move forward in this situation: by strengthening a bond with someone who is worth your while OR by severing the bond with someone who is not worth your while.
I want you to understand that you win—and I mean win big—when you get rid of someone who's wasting your time and energy just in the same way that you win when you bring someone into your life who enriches your existence.
Because time, not money, is the ultimate scarce commodity. Think of people who waste your time as dripping faucets, or a leak in your gas tank—things that need to be gotten rid of quick-like.
This is why on the first infraction when someone wastes my time, I take immediate action, which you're about to see in detail.
Now some of you who are reading this are 'nice guys'. You don't call women out when they don't communicate in a timely fashion, or don't do as they say they're going to do.
That, in a word, is UNACCEPTABLE. I mean, if you didn't care about her in the first place, fine (then why did you call/invite her at all?). But if she does matter even a little bit, it's your DUTY as a man with spine, strength and honor to bring it to her attention that this is not cool.
Great. So now we've established that you have to take action. The question now is, what kind of action do you take? This is where the delicate part comes in.
This kind of thing has happened to me so many times that it's become a bit of a natural experiment for me. Through trial and error (and error, and error), I now have a reasonably robust formula that gives good results.
I pulled this email up from a while back, because it got me a response in a matter of minutes after a silence of several days. Let's look at the email I sent now, and afterwards we'll look at her response:
From: Alex
To: Jill
*hey there o wobbly one. now you're great and all, but one of the most effective ways of turning friends into strangers is to be sloppy with communications. i had plans b, c and d for sat night, but still kinda waited for you to get back to me about the play, thereby leaving me hanging, which is not my favorite pastime. if you don't want to receive invitations in the future, that's totally cool. but if you do, use that phone or email thing as if people mattered. cool? cool. standards in this town tend to be low; mine, for better or for worse, are not.
AB*
Okay, let's break this down:
**1) Keep the mood light.
*hey there o wobbly one.*
We start with a mild tease. She was on crutches, and she had hurt herself in a very amusing way, so it would have been simply wrong not to poke at least a little fun at this. This keeps the mood light, even though you're about to unload something serious in the next breath.
Now, this technique has come to be known in the trade as being 'cocky and funny'. A word of caution: if you can't get the nuance right, avoid the whole cocky & funny thing altogether. Seriously. Chances are that you'll come off as an asshole and unwittingly alienate people when you get it wrong—and most guys get it wrong (including myself). So if I had said 'Hey gimpy', that's still funny, but it perhaps starts to be a little meaner. 'Hey lame chick' is going to get you in trouble unless you're already on really good terms with the girl. 'O wobbly one' for me struck the right tone of funny & teasing without sounding malicious. Remember, there is no vocal tone or inflection in email, so be extra-careful with the teasing.
2) Start by stating that you appreciate her.
now you're great and all,
So you're about to unload some heavy criticism—excellent time to open with a light COMPLIMENT. This basically says 'I don't think you're a bad person, really.' Remember this: you could have a completely justified, 100% correct criticism of someone. But if you offend that person and tell her she's a jerk, you're not going to make her your friend. Ever.
Your goal is to leave the door open so she stays in your life if she turns out to be cool, so you need to be diplomatic and give her the chance to show that she is, in fact, cool. So coat the bitter pill of criticism in a nice chocolate coating. Girls like chocolate.
3) Make the criticism about an impersonal PRINCIPLE, not about her.
*but one of the most effective ways of turning friends into strangers is to be sloppy with communications.*
You're an incorrigible, feckless, unprincipled scullery-wench." None of these endear; all of them alienate. So make the criticism IMPERSONAL; make it about a high-minded principle, not about her.
The principle here is 'turning friends into strangers through sloppy communication.' Who the hell wants that? No decent person in his or her right mind would want more of that. And if she's okay with that kind of thing, would you want her in YOUR life? Notice that we're slowly bringing in the double-edged sword here.
Moving on to the next section:
4) Use the judgment-free 'This is what happened, and this is the effect it had on me' format.
i had plans b, c and d for sat night, but still kinda waited for you to get back to me about the play, thereby leaving me hanging, which is not my favorite pastime.*
Okay. This is about what happened. Notice how it's not about her as much as it is about YOU. The format is this: "This is what happened, and as a result this is what I experienced." You're not passing a judgment; you are stating a fact which cannot be disputed. Once again, this makes it impersonal towards her—you're not saying she's a bad person—while making it personal towards you: her actions had actual adverse consequences on you.
This is an important point to make, because sometimes people (including yours truly) 'flake' unbeknownst to themselves, thinking the other person didn't care or there wasn't a real commitment there. By stating that yes, you DO care, you're doing two things. You're conveying your strength by standing up for yourself and having high standards (good thing). And, in a backhanded way, you're saying that she matters—a key point.
Also note the tone that's being carried on here. You're not devastated, crestfallen and heartbroken. You're a busy guy with a lot of options. And you're just somewhat peeved because you were left hanging because that's 'not your favorite pastime'.
If instead you were to get all emotional and say 'That just pisses the living bejeezus out of me', what kind of woman would want to hang with a guy like that anyway? Even if it did piss the living bejeezus out of you, it's not what you want to convey. Calm, cool, collected and unruffled in the face of perturbation equals ATTRACTIVE. It's more likely to get you where you want to be.
Moving right along:
5) Use the 'Detached Double-Edged Sword' technique to close.
*if you don't want to receive invitations in the future, that's totally cool. but if you do, use that phone or email thing as if people mattered. cool? cool.*
I like this part because it employs the Taoist notion of detachment. By being able to walk away, you're conveying ultimate power. But here's the kicker: if she DOES want to stay in your life, here's the condition. This is the double-edged sword I was talking about. The format is simple: "If not, cool. If yes, then this is what you have to do in the future." At this point, if she doesn't respond, you win, because that means she's probably not the kind of person you want in your life (since I presume you want those who think people matter). And if she does respond, you win, because that means she's a quality person that appreciates you.
That's most of what you need to do. And finally, as a bonus:
*standards in this town tend to be low; mine, for better or for worse, are not.*
This part is optional. Once again, you're invoking a high-minded principle that *indirectly* touches upon her. You're saying that, hey, someone else may tolerate this kind of behavior, and that's fine. I'm just not that guy. The 'for better or for worse' clause takes the sting of hubris out of it. You're not saying that you're better than others—you're just saying, "Hey, this is the way it is. Your choice from here." You're taking the moral high ground without being moralizing.
And, of course, now the punchline: what did she say in response? Here it is:
From: Jill
To: Alex
*I'm sorry about being flaky. I appreciated the invitation but it was evidently too much to handle this weekend.
I also appreciate being called out, partially because I don't like being a bad friend, but also because it opens the door for me to do the same if you do anything that bothers me.
Soooo, thanks again for the play thought, I'm still on board.*
Now you know that you've got a keeper. A good person will appreciate a friend's feedback—as would you, because that's how you grow as a person. And, as a side note, she wrote later that night to invite me to some other event.
Because email obliterates a lot of nuance and tone that is conveyed through voice and body language», it's a tricky medium, especially for making emotional communications (which I avoid entirely). This 5-step template can help to make your emails even more effective towards getting the results you want.
PS: Can you think of friends who would also find this article useful? Then you absolutely have my blessing to do them a favor and forward the article to them.
PPS: I'm interested in your questions and comments regarding dating, persuasion and networking, so please do send them to me.
Dr. Alex
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