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THE BEST WAY TO KISS WOMEN
by Dr. Alex Benzer
of Tao of Dating
June 30th, 2006
topics of all time--Kissing Girls.
The way I think about it, there are certain milestones
in a relationship. You can pretty much divide a relationship
with a woman into two distinct periods: the Era Before the
First Kiss, and the Era After the First Kiss (there's also
the dividing line of First Time You Sleep Together, but
that's the topic for a future newsletter).
I'm sure you'll all agree that kissing is a pretty important
part of establishing intimacy with a woman, and moving it
forward. The real questions are: "How do I get to the point of
kissing a woman? When should I kiss her and how?"
The correct answer to the question of "When should I kiss
her?" is always: "As soon as possible." But *when* is it
possible?
As I say in "The Tao of Dating" ebook,
there's only one thing that all women have in
common: they're all different.
This means that basically, you have to treat each woman on a
case-by-case basis. Some women will
be ready to kiss you very early on, when you first meet.
With a woman like this, if you take too *long* to kiss her, you could
actually lose her interest. Some women
will be really interested in you, but if you try to kiss this type of woman
too early, she will pull back--and the whole process can get
shut down.
It's like having a job interview that's going
really well (I also talk about how to avoid that trap in the ebook--a
date should *never* be like a job interview)...the employer's
really interested in you, but then all of a sudden you
decide to ask, "So, how much are you going to pay me?" The
employer pulls back, stops smiling, asks one or two standard
questions, and the interview ends--and you never hear back
from them.
What happened?
Definitely, the question is an appropriate one, but you
asked it out of sequence: unless they've actually offered
you a job, it's inappropriate to ask about
the salary, regardless of how good it had been going up to that point.
Asking without an offer on the table shuts the whole process down.
And that's unfortunate, because you two could have been
perfect for each other. Every girl is different; you never
know if she has land mines in her psyche that you're
unwittingly going to step on. Maybe she met some guy whom
she *thought* was wonderful, but then turned into a total jerk
when it came to make-out time--and now you're unconsciously
reminding her of that. Maybe she's had a bad experience
with guys who are just interested in her physically, so
she's extra-cautious at the outset.
Your job is to find out all that stuff during the date, so when the smooching
hour arrives, you're not caught by surprise. You don't want
to find out that she thinks any kind of physical interaction
with a man is a mortal sin after the fifteenth date, tiger.
So here's the procedure: do all the good stuff you know to
do from "The Tao of Dating." Be compelling. Keep up an
atmosphere of teasing banter; don't lapse into seriousness
for any length of time. Keep the lightness such that you
can say "Hey, wanna make out?" to her several times, and
follow it up with, "Hey, just asking if you want to --
didn't say you *could*." Watch her like a hawk, look for
the nine green lights, and test her neutral touch zones. If
you follow all the procedures and she's ready for the kiss,
go for it.
Here's the key: If you end up getting your smooch on
during the date, fantastic. That's what I recommend that
you do anyway, because it opens up the interaction, lets
both parties relax a lot more, and talk about more
interesting stuff (and also progress to more intimacy).
But if during the date the kissing thing hasn't happened,
*don't* push it at the end. That's right--I want you to
act as if you have no interest in kissing her at all.
Basically, if you've done everything right and she hasn't
made out with you yet, chances are that she takes her time
to warm up. Your job is to pique her interest further, and
get the engines of her mind revving--by going in the opposite
direction.
Shake her hand, say, "Thanks for a great evening,"
and off you go. Maybe a peck on the cheek, but
no more. Be just a little more distant than her, so she
wonders, "What the heck just happened? I thought he was
into me, but he didn't even try to kiss me! Did I do
something wrong?"
Why does this work, and why is it the right thing to do?
"We pursue that which retreats from us," said some dead
white philosopher dude (I believe it was Martin Heidegger,
from "Being and Time"--someone read it and tell me if it's
any good, okay?). This is the technique better
known as the Take-Away, which I discuss extensively in "The
Tao of Dating" ebook as one of the three secret, borderline sneaky
Romantic Accelerators.
The point is, either that first kiss is in the cards or it's
not. If she's not ready, and you try to force the moment,
you could blow it forever. This is what the Tao Te Ching
has to say about that (I didn't write it, but it's also a damn
good book, and you should get it):
Rushing into action, you fail.
Trying to grasp things, you lose them.
Forcing a project to completion, you ruin what was almost
ripe.
--Chapter 64
If the kiss is in the cards, you lose nothing with your delay
tactic. You are conveying desirelessness, non-attachment to
results. When you do that, the world tends to reward you
*with* results.
In fact, if she really does like you, then
she'll be that much more revved up to give you a kiss that
will be ten times more passionate and intense than the
lukewarm, puckered-up one you would have gotten on the first
date.
And if she wasn't into you, she wasn't going to kiss
you anyway, so you lose nothing--and stop wasting your time.
This is what I call a classic Tao of Dating maneuver:
whatever the result, you're moving forward.
Don't be mistaken--this is hard work. It requires a lot
of discipline to slow yourself down deliberately, right when
things are going so well. But you can do it--I believe in
you. I'm right behind you every step of the way, and I want
you to succeed.
Your friend and guide,
Dr. Alex
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