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Twenty Dealbreakers You Must Absolutely Avoid In Your Household
by Dr. Alex Benzer
of Tao of Dating
March 2nd, 2008
Have you ever gone to a woman's place -- a woman whom you were initially quite interested in -- and then lost all interest after you've seen the way she lives?
Well, it's certainly happened to me. And it happens to women visiting a guy much more often that it does the other way around (guys tend to be either more tolerant, hornier, or some combination of both).
It occurred to me during my recent travels that I've stayed with a lot of friends in various cities, most of whom are male. I've also had various female friends comment on the state of my apartment at times, and the things that they liked and did not like.
An article showed up in the New York Times recently about "deal-breaker apartments" -- basically, aspects of a guy's (or girl's) living space which were so repulsive that it ruined the prospects for further romance.
It was a nice article, but somewhat deficient. Consequently, I have compiled a database of useful information on how to make your place more appealing to the opposite sex.
Now the thing to remember is this: if a woman likes you and trusts you enough to agree to be alone with you in your apartment, then you're in pretty good shape.
From that point on, all you have to do is not to screw up. So unlike most Tao of Dating articles which are about what to do, this one is more about what not to do.
However, in doing things that could potentially undo your romantic prospects with a woman, this article is very much about *doing* too.
So what I want you to do is to listen closely and actually take care of this stuff. Every item that I mention has come up at least twice by two different people.
What I DON'T want you to think is, "Well, that one thing -- that's okay. I've got the other things covered."
Ummm, no. If it comes up on this list, that means it's really bad. Deal-breaker bad. Fix it sooner rather than later, and you will probably thank me for it. I learned the hard way so you don't have to.
There is a them to this list: having the comfort and safety of your female companion in mind. A woman will not get intimate with you unless she feels safe and comfortable in your presence. The slightest thing can and will tip this equation in your disfavor, so don't say you weren't warmed.
We talk more about safety and comfort in the Tao of Dating ebook. Those of you who have read it already know what I'm talking about.
Of course, some girls will be 'cooler' than others and put up with your roguish bachelor ways. Well, maybe. We're not talking about exceptions here; we're covering general principles that will hold you in good stead most of the time. And 98% of women out there will agree with what's on the list.
Some of these are also pretty darn obvious – so obvious that they elude our attention. The othersare not so obvious at all (eg towels and TP). So, regardless of how experienced you are, pay attention already. Here's the list:
CLEANLINESS
Cleanliness is paramount. Having a clean living space is more important than having a tidy one. Women will tolerate some measure of messiness. However, they are far less tolerant of dirtiness. So, if you are expecting female company and don't want her to run away once she's in your lair:
1) Make sure your place is properly dusted. Women hate touching or seeing something that has a 3-month layer of dust on it.
2) Vacuum. Dirty carpets and schmutz on the ground are a turnoff.
3) Keep your kitchen clean. A couple of unwashed dishes left in the sink is tolerable. A grimy, smelly, overflowing sink with six weeks' worth of unwashed dishes and rotting food will send her running. Fast.
4) Women are exquisitely sensitive to smell -- several times more than the average guy. Make sure your trash is taken out and your place smells nice when you walk in through the door. You do not want the first impression of your household to be a stench. Buy nice candles or air-freshener spray if you must.
5) Do not leave food on the stove. Put the whole pan with the food in the fridge if you must.
6) Make sure your fridge is clean and odor-free. Nothing in your fridge should be alive. Throw away any old food that's rotten, mildewy, or past its expiration. These signal to a woman that you are somewhat irresponsible and oblivious to your surroundings. Having fresh food in the fridge that she can actually eat is always a plus.
BATHROOM PRINCIPLES
Of all the spaces in your household, perhaps the one that is most able to break a deal is your bathroom. She WILL end up using it 100% of the time she is visiting you, and if she feels uncomfortable in there, it's over.
7) Make sure your sink area is clean and shiny. No toothpaste residue, shaving remnants, year-old hard water crust or dirt of any kind. I have stayed with friends whose sink required industrial scrubbers 2hrs to clean. Instant deal breaker.
8) Have lots of clean, fluffy towels available, preferably white. Towels with holes, tears, shreds, discolored patches, mildew, rust stains or any other kinds of stain need to be tossed, period.
Now, I know as a guy, you're going to say, "Well, this is how it came out of the washing machine. It's clean!" And you're perfectly comfortable using it. And maybe even your guy friends are perfectly comfortable using it.
I don't care. Toss it. Never use it again. That woman's coming to your place for the first time, and if she sees a grungy-looking towel which is the only thing she can wipe her face and hands with, it will verly likely be her last time there.
At bed & bath stores, you can score towels for way cheap -- $10 or less. Buy 5 nice thick white ones for your guests, and you'll thank me for it.
9) Wash your clean, white, fluffy towels regularly. Guy logic goes: "Well, I only dry myself on this towel after I'm already clean. Therefore, this towel is clean, even though it's been on the rack for 3 weeks." No, no, no and no again.
What a woman will do when she walks into your bathroom is that she will SMELL your towels. And if your towel flunks the smell test, so do you. An old towel will smell mildewy. So: switch out your towels at least once a week.
10) Have lots of rolls of thick, soft, double-ply toilet paper. The single-ply stuff screams 'cheap' and 'inconsiderate' and will make her uncomfortable for obvious reasons I trust you can figure out. Sandpaper and the stuff that breaks through when you use it -- bad. The good stuff costs at most a buck a roll -- use only those. You can afford it.
11) Bath/shower should be clean and mildew-free. Not as important as the rest since you can just pull the curtain and hide most of it, but a woman won't use your shower if she thinks it's gross, which means that your chance at being invited along as an expert back-scrubber just got shot.
12) If you have lots and lots of beauty products -- colognes, creams, exfoliants, shampoos, conditioners, gels, etc -- do your best to stash them in a cabinet or a drawer out of sight. You're the guy in the relationship, so you're not supposed to have more stuff than her to make you pretty.
THE BEDROOM
13) Your comforter and sheets must be without stains or holes and in decent shape; toss them otherwise. You will most likely die a virgin if you're still sleeping in sheets that have cartoon characters on them, especially The Little Mermaid or Goofy.
14) Invest in decent sheets, 300 count minimum, preferably 800 count or more. The higher the count, the better. Anything less than 300 feels like sandpaper to a woman's skin, which is a lot more sensitive than a guy's skin. If your sheets say 'Percale', burn them. I don't care if the nice sheets cost $100 more than the ones you've been buying -- they're worth every penny. Flannel is okay if you're under 27. After that, it's just too college and frat-boy.
15) Your sheets need to be clean and fresh-smelling. Preferably, if you're expecting female company, you want to have just changed the sheets. This accomplishes many, many good things at once, especially if your guest is not the only woman you're dating. More budding romances have been dramatically derailed by one stray blonde hair on a pillow found by a brunette paramour than I care to mention. Don't let it happen to you.
16) Dump your bedroom and bathroom trash if you're expecting company. Like it or not, a woman will notice that used condom wrapper, used condom, tampon wrapper, moisturizer wipe, make-up remover pad etc etc which are a dead giveaway that a woman preceded her in this space in an intimate capacity not too long ago. For some strange reason, women hate that. Unless you want more drama than play, dump that trash, brother.
17) This may seem completely obvious, but it needs to be mentioned, just in case: no cheesy pictures of women, girlie magazines or porn of any kind should be visible in your living space, ever. As men, we all have these in our possession. We also possess credit cards and tax records, and we don't let people see those all the time either. Hide them, and hide them well.
That said, a few tasteful bits of erotic art are okay, as long as there's French written on them and they don't say 'Hustler' or 'Penthouse'.
The 'Sports Illustrated' calendar and any other kind of cheesecake poster are borderline. They will make a woman -- the real, flesh-and-blood woman who is visiting you and potentially will get intimate with you and bring lots of joy to your life, as opposed to the fantasy object in the photo -- feel uncomfortable.
Why? Because she will feel compared to that unattainable ideal on the calendar and poster and come up short in her own mind, and be reluctant to get naked with you emotionally and physically. So -- toss them posters, buddy. Nice work.
18) Be mindful of the books you have in your bookcase. A friend of mine told the story of how a very attractive visitor immediately asked to be taken home after she saw a book entitled "Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men", even though minutes ago they were torridly making out. Who knows why she didn't like it and who cares; you just don’t want to be that guy that this happens to (he certainly did not). Same applies to overtly political or religious books. As proud as you are of your opinions, would you rather get laid or keep the damn Ann Coulter book on the shelf? Enough said.
19) Move any books that are overtly about picking up women to a less conspicuous spot. If you have books on sex, a couple of volumes on the erotic arts are okay; two full racks of them will make a woman suspicious ("Why does he need so many?"). 'The Tao of Dating' and 'The Tao of Sexual Mastery', on the other hand, have their titles designed so you're in good shape even if you leave them in plain sight, hallelujah and amen.
20) Excessive paraphernalia of any kind needs to be removed from sight. Maybe you're into baseball and you've got all kinds of baseball stuff. Or you're into movies and TV, and have hundreds of DVDs all over the place.
That's nice, but it's a turnoff to a woman. Any kind of obsession means that you're more into that thing than you're into her, and that's not something to make her feel safe nor comfortable. Confine the stuff to one space in your living area, preferably one not too prominent.
Remember the guy in 'The 40yr old Virgin' who had a vast collection of action figures that dominated his entire living room? Well, there was a reason why he was a 40yr old virgin. Do not be that guy.
The general principle operating in those specific recommendations is the same: making sure a woman is safe and comfortable in your household.
So if there's a specific case you have in mind -- say, the life-size Indian figure you stole from the set of 'Cheers' and now have installed over your headboard-- ask yourself: does this make her more safe & comfy, or less? And then you'll have your answer as to whether to toss or keep.
In the meantime, a note for the women (hundreds of them at last count) who are reading this article:
-- Please do yourselves a favor and get rid of your stuffed animals, especially from the bed, and especially if you've had one since you were 5 and it's ratty as hell. I know they are cute and cuddly, but they instantly set off an alarm bell in a guy's head that screams "immaturity" and "girl, not woman" (and in some cases, "run"). They're also riddled with germs, and a guy doesn't want to think he's competing with a stuffed purple dinosaur for your affections. If you must possess those things, do keep them out of sight.
The power is within you,
Dr Alex
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