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Why You Can’t Be Ashamed of Sex
by Ray Devans
of The Art of the Pickup
October 2nd, 2006
Today we are going to talk about how the equation “0+0 is not equal to 1” can stop you from having sex
A lot of readers have probably figured out already that zero plus zero is not equal to one.
But when it comes to sex, there are a lot of times when men don’t realize that a certain ZERO attitude they have or pretend to have, added to the same common ZERO attitude in women EQUALS ZERO SEX!
The ZERO attitude I am talking about is idea of acting like or believing like sex is shameful, or that you don’t want sex.
I used to have a math teacher who I think would easily agree that zero plus zero doesn’t equal one. This math teacher also used to like to give us interesting quotes. He was also a chess player, and used to have a saying about chess that went:
“On any given day, anyone can win, and anyone can lose.”
Really it was sort of a saying about life in general, meant to teach us bright eyed young students to always be hopeful of the chance for victory.
Well, in the rough, tough game of game of women, the same thing can be true, but one big ZERO that is going to make it really hard for you to score is if you are in any way ashamed of sex or your sexuality.
That is because women have been taught on a lot of levels to be ashamed of sex also. They are not rewarded for acting sexually in public for example. Think of what happens when they even dress too revealing. They get labeled as sluts and get scorned by women, and even a lot of men.
In some extreme cases, women are taught by their parents that their genitals are somehow “dirty”, etc. There are many other examples you can probably think of. It is rare that you meet a truly liberated woman who is totally free of any kind of residual shame about sex, or at least negative consequences of acting like she is not ashamed of it.
What this means is that often you as a man will have to be the balancing force in the equation, the one that is very comfortable with the idea of how awesome and natural sex is! You have to be the one who will “take the blame” for taking about it, starting it, etc. The more repressed she might be, the more positive you have to balance the equation.
The problem though is that somehow modern culture is telling a lot of guys to turn off their sexuality in order to act like a “nice guy”.
I used to be one of these guys who was under this mistaken assumption that if I acted like I didn’t want sex outside of marriage or a really committed relationship then I would make myself look nice enough for her to want to date. Even though sex is what I wanted in the end, I was ashamed to admit it to her for fear she would think that was all I wanted or that I was a pervert.
But the truth is usually that if you act ashamed of sex in any way, then it will be extremely hard for things to get sexual with you and the average woman. For the rare ones who really do want sex, they will get bored and find a guy who does want it. And the ones who are ashamed will just go along with your frame, and you both never have sex, or have it much later than you both might really want.
What instead needs to happen is that you have to in effect “take responsibility” for any of the shame of sex. It means that your actions and the things you say have to communicate to her this:
- “It is not your fault if you and I have sex.”
- “You are not a slut for having sex with me.”
- “Other people don’t have to know about this, nobody else will think you are a slut.”
- “It is my fault if you and I have sex, I take all the blame.”
- “I know that you don’t do this with other guys, and that what we are doing is new for you.”
- “I really like sex and I think it is healthy and OK to do, so that makes it OK for you and I to do it.”
Of course, if you are talking to her you would not say these things exactly, but the deeper message would be the same. You basically have to relieve her of any guilt she might feel and let her know there will be nothing bad that comes from it.
Let’s look at a verbal example, while you are making out with her, she might tell you “we shouldn’t be doing this”. In that case, you can answer “I know, I am such a bad boy and you are such a good girl”. Translation: “it isn’t your fault and I take the blame, don’t worry”.
What about an example that shows you like sex through your actions? Here is one that I used to fail on when I was trying to look like Mr. Nice Guy. Let’s say you are flipping through the channels on cable TV, and one of them is a porn channel.
If you keep going and act like it was never there, you are acting ashamed of sex. You get a ZERO!
If you make a funny comment about it like “I would stop there but I already watched my daily 5 hour daily limit of porn”, or even stop and watch it for awhile, then your actions show you like sex.
In The Art of the Pickup» DVDs, we explain more about how and why this all works, and you get to see first hand how to act in just the right way to make a woman feel comfortable with sex. And for the really hard cases out there (like me when I used to pretend there was no porn channel), our Affirmations tracks will reprogram you with everything you need to be confident» about your desire for sex, and much more!
Your totally unashamed coach,
Ray Devans
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