mASF post by "Loco1"
posted on: mASF forum: General Discussion newsgroup, April 4, 2005[ This is for the newbies always asking what kind of people are found in
mainstream night clubs. It characterizes the club scene in Toronto. The article
is from: http://www.spotlighttoronto.com/content/life/2005/040105_exposed.php
It's meant to be more amusing than factual ]
What kind of people really go to clubs anyway? Ever wondered about the guy
standing next to you, drink in one hand, ciggie in the other… Oh sure, he’s
looking all suave, but he’s alone. Why?? What about the two chicks standing at
the bar, what are they waiting for? Everyone has a motive. There are no
coincidences, no random occurrences. Everything is planned from the beginning,
starting at 6pm that same evening, leading up to the last call at the bar, and
ending with the ride home. So what’s the actual game plan? All the usual
suspects have been identified, for your enlightenment. Here’s the score:
The Lone Ranger:
Ever wondered why guys come to clubs if they’re flying solo? Well sure, it’s
possible that his buddies cancelled at the last minute and he showed up and had
no one to hang with. But, no. It’s actually a strategic move. This guy is
looking to score, plain and simple. At the end of the night, he’ll go home with
one girl, maybe two, if he’s wearing the right cologne… and chances are high
that they won’t be all that attractive. The strategy? Bag all the chicks he
possibly can, good, bad and ugly, and sleep with all of them. His absent
buddies haven’t seen the girl’s face, can’t give him demerit points for doing
an ugly, and can’t refute his fulfilled quota for the month either.
The Dwarf:
This one is for the guys that come to clubs and wear clothes to make themselves
look bigger than they really are, not realizing that they actually look
smaller, because they get lost in the biggie-sized apparel. Bigger shirts,
bigger pants, and if you look closely, shoes with HEELS. Yes, for real, they’ve
added height to their shoes, hoping they can at least make eye contact with a
girl’s chin, instead of just her boobs. Good job, Papa Smurf.
The Attention Whores:
These girls are ALL FLIRT and not really lesbians. They would like you to buy
them a drink, sure. But mostly, they just want to make you watch, make you
hard, and then leave you hanging. It’s like stripper role play, where one girl
is the pole, and one is the dancer. You’ll find them shaking their miniskirts
on the podium, grinding up against each other, touching each other, rubbing
their naked legs up and down… You get the idea.
The Maestro:
This is the one guy in the club that manages to get his grimy hands on a pair
of glow sticks. It’s not a rave (no complimentary E at the door); it’s not even
a drum-and-base shindig. But he has glow sticks, and he’s using them like he’s
Jukka-Pekka Saraste, and classical music is sinking with the Titanic. Cheap
entertainment comes in all flavours.
The Uncle:
Yes, the Uncle. He’s old enough to be your Dad, but that’s just nasty, so we’ll
distance him by a degree or two. He’s someone’s Uncle, not yours. He’s got
money to spend and he’s checking out the girls the same way he’d pick out fruit
in the grocery store. Something wrong with this picture? You BETCHA!!! Where
the heck is his WIFE? His daughter? His nephew? Or even his DOG, to remind him
that it’s past his bedtime. One of two: either he’s not getting any action at
home, so he’s trying to find some through adultery, or he’s divorced, coz he
couldn’t deliver the goods in the first place. Someone needs to point him
towards Jarvis St.
The Divas:
These women fall into that division between class and trash. They’re not well
brought-up enough to be ladies, but not sleazy enough to be trash. They’re the
women who give you cut-eye on the dance floor, the chicks that go to the
bathroom in large groups just to touch up their layers of make-up, the ones who
want to be considered high maintenance, hoping they can receive preferential
treatment. Can you say, ‘prize catch’?
The Tough Guy:
Much like the bully that you despised in grade school, this macho man is
actually a wimp at heart, but tries his best to convince you otherwise. Think
Eminem, think P. Diddy… they don’t go to the washroom without their ‘posse’
trailing close behind, just in case, y’know? So basically, you’ll never catch
this guy alone, because then you just might be able to confront him face to
face. But that’s not allowed, of course, coz you’d blow his cover.
The Wannabe:
Trends come and go, and we all fall victim to imitation. It’s one thing to
accessorize though, and whole other thing to be someone you’re clearly NOT.
There are those J.Lo sunglasses that just won’t go away, the Justin-esque
Fedora hats that are suddenly making gentlemen out of boys, and those fuzzy
boots that make girls feet sweat like the animals they originally were… to name
a few. Then, there are the generic imitations – girls who look like replicas of
one another from the back, chicks who try to clone themselves like they’re
Paris Hilton, guys who go out in groups wearing similar striped shirts, or that
overdone, overseen, and overly boring medium blue shirt. Steve Urkel was more
original with his wardrobe. Take hints.
The Cowboy:
Some guys have no shame. Others have no full-sized mirror in their bedrooms.
This guy comes out in his best black jeans, a cowboy hat, and cowboy boots, and
when he dances, you’d think the Sheriff is shooting bullets at his feet. Girls
are laughing, guys are staring… It’s a lost cause. Take a lesson from Clint,
and DON’T DANCE. Sometimes it’s better to stay on the wall.
The MILF:
She’s hot property, very available, and every woman’s nightmare. If she’s with
her girlfriends (a la Banger Sisters), this is even worse for the women, but
heaven in a push-up bra for the guys. Often, you’ll see her with a male
‘friend’, but he’ll conveniently disappear when she gets hungry. Ooh baby, come
to Demi!
The Threesome:
This is a combination of 2 guys and a girl, or 2 girls and a guy… Whatever.
Point is, two’s company, three’s a crowd. So, to deconstruct, either one of
these three is the wingman/wingchick, or all three of them are single and
operating. If there’s a single girl, she’s more than happy to find available
females for the tag-along guy, if just to get rid of him. If it’s two girls and
a guy, all the more reason to break them up. Why should he have two women when
someone else has none? Gotta even things out; it’s civic duty. Lastly, if
they’re all single, beware, coz there is home-wrecker potential lingering in
the air.
Romeo:
He’s the sleazy smooth operator, the player who doesn’t mack on ten different
girls in one night, but targets one girl, or two at the most. He’s got a
routine prepared, lines memorized, smooth moves packed into his sleeves, and
the gel in his hair makes his head look more crispy than a bucket of KFC
chicken. This is one guy who’s sure he’ll get what he wants at the end of the
night. Who’s your Daddy now?
Drunk Girls:
If ever a guy happens to be hankering for some girl-on-girl action, he should
get two girls drunk, and watch what happens. Unlike attention whores, these
girls don’t have a clue who is watching them, who they’re leaning on, or whom
they’re making out with. Check out the ladies room near you for some uncensored
action. Vomit warning and accessories sold separately.
Disclaimer:
In the event that you find yourself identifying with any of the aforementioned
personality types, please note that all classified archetypes are varieties of
a common species seldom referred to as Homo sapiens, thus qualifying that at
the end of the day, we are all one and the same, with minor differentiating
peccadilloes more apparent in some than in others. It is acknowledged that some
classifications may be extremist, however, we do assert that any one individual
who is subject to ridicule may want to consider a personality overhaul, to
avoid future caricatural mishaps.
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