David DeAngelo is the author of Double Your Dating, which is reviewed on this site.
David,
First of all I would like to say that your book was a great help and I have definitely seen a change in my luck. I have met a really great girl who is fun to be around and very pretty, and I have been going out with her for several months.
When we first started going out the relationship was very sexual and intimate. Now after several months it has died down a great deal. At first whenever I would try to be intimate I usually was successful, and now a lot of times I get a response like, "I am not in the mood right now."
My question is what am I doing wrong that is making her feel less sexual than in the beginning of the relationship and what can I do to put her in the mood?
And another question is am I being too nice? I usually get her anything she needs or wants and I usually do everything she wants, like not going out sometimes with friends and I usually go wherever she wants to. Sometimes she complains because we always do what she wants to do. So should I start taking charge and making an effort to plan what we do more and should I start telling her "no" more?
Lately she has been a bit more aggressive or bossy and she is quicker to yell at me when I do something she doesn't like. The control of the relationship has seemed to change from me, to being neutral, to her in control.
So my questions are, do I need to do something different? If I do, how do I change the path I am on because we have been going out for several months? What can I do to make her feel more sexual? And am I being too nice?
I would be very grateful for your advice to my situation.
A.
Hello, A.
I rarely put my two cents in when it comes to the "relationship" game. But this is such a common situation, and you have such a "textbook" version of it, that I thought it might be interesting to discuss.
And in fact, the main reason I'm addressing this particular issue here is that the dynamic you're dealing with doesn't only happen in "relationships". It also happens on first dates, second dates, and third dates.
The advantage that your situation brings is that it gives me the opportunity to dissect a common pattern that you have seen develop over time... and by doing so teach others to recognize it whether it happens over ten minutes or ten months.
OK, off with the intro, on with the convo.
Here's the all-too-common pattern:
1) Boy meets girl.
2) Girl happens to be unusually attractive, and knows it... (although this doesn't absolutely have to be true. It also happens with more "average" women as well.)
3) At first, the novelty makes things interesting and the sexual energy is high.
4) Boy starts acting PREDICTABLE and stops doing the things that the girl was ATTRACTED to in the beginning (if he ever did them at all).
5) Girl starts doing things that make NO SENSE AT ALL TO BOY, like "she complains because we always do what she wants to do" etc. (I mean, it makes NO sense that a woman would complain if you're doing everything she wants, right?)
6) Boy begins losing control and grows up into a fine young Girly-Man.
7) Girl becomes more and more annoyed at her new Wuss Boy because he's just acting more and more whipped... and she finally hits the road.
8) Boy puts his head in his hands, saying "What did I do wrong? I gave her everything she wanted..."
I think that just about every man alive can identify with this progression. It's happened to us all at least a few times in our lives.
But what the heck is going on here?
Why do women become less interested in sex?
Why do they start being bossy and demanding?
Why do they get annoyed when we try to please them?
The answer is actually very simple. But, unfortunately for most of us guys, it's not OBVIOUS.
The long and the short of it is that WOMEN AREN'T ATTRACTED TO GUYS THAT STOP ACTING ATTRACTIVE. Duh.
You read my book and newsletters, and probably learned a few things that helped you get her attention in the first place. But I'm assuming that at some point you STOPPED doing the things that you did originally and started trying to "please" her...
Explained differently, STOP IT!
Let's go back to ATTRACTION 101.
ATTRACTION ISN'T A CHOICE, IT'S A RESPONSE.
In other words, women don't choose who they're attracted to. They respond to behaviors, communication, confidence, and other triggers.
A woman doesn't want a guy who acts like one of her girlfriends! She doesn't need another friend!
So what do most guys do when they meet attractive women?
Of course. They act like a girlfriend! They ask how her day was and what she wants to do tonight, listen to her problems, offer to help, and kiss her ass until she finally says:
"Will you act like a man already?"
Women resent men that they can control. But the paradox is that they'll keep trying JUST TO MAKE SURE THEY CAN'T. You will always be tested. Get used to it.
Here's what to do:
If you ever experience one of the following:
- She acts more controlling.
- She is less interested in sex.
- You're being nicer and nicer, but she's only getting annoyed.
Then do the following:
- Stop acting like a WUSSY immediately.
- Put some space between you and her. Call her once for every three times she calls you.
- See her HALF as much as you're seeing her now.
- Get a life of your own and stop trying to be her servant.
- Take some time to reflect on any areas that you've made the mistake of acting like a Girly-Man, and stop it!
You must remember that attractive women have a LOT of options. They are approached by men all the time. There are a MILLION guys that will kiss up to them.
She'll accept ass-kissing from a guy that she likes... but only up to a point. Once you cross the ass-kiss of no return, it's all over. And you won't even see it coming.
If I had a dollar for every guy that's written to me and said "I don't know what happened. I thought I was doing everything she wanted... I was so nice... and then she left me saying that she needed to find herself" etc.
Important Note: If a woman senses up front that you are a push over or a guy that is just like all the others that just want to give her what she wants, you'll lose before you even begin. So don't do it.
And by the way, if you're reading this and can hear the truth contained in it, but still don't understand how it all works, you need to go read my online eBook. Just go to:
...now and download your copy. That's the place to start. It will teach you all of my best insights into how to attract women, take things to a physical level, and keep them attracted to you. Check it out.
I'll talk to you again soon.
Your Friend,
David DeAngelo
