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Original discussion thread: http://fastseduction.com/discussion/fs?action=9&boardid=2&read=95613&fid=8&FirstTopic=90&LastTopic=119
This would have been pure fantasy to me three years ago. This aspect of my life has improved tremendously.
By any objective standards I have now completely obliterated the angsty, occasionally desperate, cant-get-laid AFC I used to be. And I am enjoying myself -- but not quite in the way that I thought I would be. Having a glut of beautiful women in my life is, inevitably, not the panacea I thought it would be. It has put certain aspects of my own psychology into sharp relief.
Because the fact is, I still regularly feel like a dork around women. Last weekend I was out at huge party full of extremely interesting, extremely hot people. None of my girls could make it, so I talked to women new and old alone. And I got way more sexual interest and interaction than I would have years ago (at one point two women were feeding me grapes while I lay on their laps.) And yet, I was still frustrated.
I wanted a makeout from one girl I knew, we had good kino going and a nice vibe, but it just wasn't on. I wanted to get to know one very interesting woman I'd spoken to earlier, but couldn't hook her interest socially. The model's friend showed some interest after a DHV, but wandered off quickly. The model I couldn't really get up the balls to talk to (she clearly had a serious BF, but practice is practice... I did learn a few things by watching her guy though.) I felt rejected and had to console myself with the fact that I was returning to a planned threesome!
And I still can't quite get women of the hotness I lust after. Mine current lovers are 8s or so, but I look at 9s and 10s and think there must be something wrong or inferior about me that I have never slept with them.
I grew up unattractive and sexually desperate. Facts would indicate that I am certainly not unattractive now. Nor am I desperate. But I still crave the sexual validation of women to a deeply unhealthy degree. This is a hole that can never be filled by hot pussy.
Don't get me wrong: hot girls and hot sex aplenty are very much a goal, a goal I am working towards. And succeeding at; arguably I am long past the point where I have succeeded beautifully. But there is an inner aspect to this that I am just beginning to see. Maybe it's not possible to see these things in yourself until after you've GFTOWed a few times.
I thought the problem was that I couldn't attract women. Now I see that the problem has also been me: my own ego and insecurity. Even though I am no longer needy, I am unable to fully enjoy what I have. When I go out, if I am not with the hottest woman in the room I feel strangely disappointed in myself. Always I have this drive for more, hotter, faster, easier. And it can consume all my free time if I let it. I'm procrastinating from my real work right now.
Even in my current MLTR situation, I can't stop thinking about the next girl, the hottie over there, the one I don't have. I've realized it's not what I have but what I could get that drives me. This is why I need ongoing pickup. This is why I get anxious if it's too long since my last new lover. Being unable to enjoy what you have is a mark of sadness.
All of this is improving. Certain astounding women have come through my life and there's nothing for changing self-belief like looking in the mirror and seeing her on your arm. But I shouldn't need her on my arm to feel fully sexy!
I suppose the message, if there is one, is this: having sex with hot girls will not solve any problem in your life except not having sex with hot girls. You may not even particularly enjoy it beyond the initial high of a new lover and the ego boost of a beautiful woman. Then you'll get bored with her or the relationship will end for whatever reason, and you'll be back where you started. You'll feel like a chump again soon enough unless you also learn to control the deep beliefs and emotions that make you feel like a chump.
If women are culturally programmed to believe that a man, a house, and kids will make their life a paradise, men are susceptible to the myth that constant pussy will provide deep and lasting satisfaction. But no one can fill the holes in inside by being with someone else.
I am deeply grateful for the experience of having multiple beautiful women in my life. It is an experience I wish to continue! But I see now that I have deeper work to do on myself.
I am in the midst of the most sexually abundant period of my life. I am regularly seeing three woman and there are couple more I could probably booty call. Recently I introduced two of my MLTRs and we had a lovely threesome. These are all healthy, low-drama, wonderful relationships and I care deeply about the girls and they give themselves deeply in return.
