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I feel good, not because the quality of sex in my life is the best it has ever been (which it is). I feel good because my self-understanding is growing and my inner game» is improving.
I'm not going to describe the chemical aspects of falling in love, which have been discussed before. Instead I want to talk about the psychological part, and why this state must inevitably be temporary.
DISCLAIMER: IANAPsych.
Ego boundaries
To understand what happens when you fall in love you must first understand ego boundaries. As far as we can understand it, newborns do not distinguish between themselves and the world around them. For a baby, when it moves its arms, the world moves. When it's hungry, the world is hungry. It and the world are one. There is no identity.
With experience the child begins to understand that it is an entity separate from the rest of the world. When it is hungry, the mother doesn't always feed it. It realizes that its wishes don't always result in its mother doing whatever it wants. A sense of "me" develops. It realizes its arms belong to it, but the ceiling it is looking up at doesn't. It begins to understand the limits of its body, in the universe. This is the formation of the ego boundary.
This ego boundary continues to be defined as the child grows through adolescence into adulthood. We find coming to terms with these ego boundaries difficult. The child still wills its mother to do what it wants by throwing a tantrum. The young boy fantasizes about being omnipotent Superman (I still fantasize that I am BD»'s Batman ). Slowly we come to accept that we are trapped in our mortal bodies, not particularly different from the other mortal bodies around us. We are isolated inside those bodies only able to communicate with other isolated organisms through primitive mechanisms like talking and our body language».
For most balanced and normally developed humans, living behind our ego boundary is fundamentally lonely. On some level we seek to escape it.
Falling in love- - escape from ego boundary
I have fallen in love twice in my life. One of those occasions was to my (now ex) wife. On both occasions I fell blindly into a pit of bliss where violins played, and life felt amazing. I wanted to spend every waking moment with the love of my life.
What was actually happening to me, in addition to profound bio-chemical stimulation, was a temporary collapse of my ego boundary. In a state of euphoria, I was able to merge my identity with that of my partner. The disappearance of that human loneliness was experienced by me as ecstasy. What a feeling! Falling in love is like a distant echo of the feeling of being a baby as one with its mother. And along with that feeling flows that same feeling of omnipotence that we thought we had left behind.
Needless to say, after a period of somewhere between months and years (can't remember exactly how long), the intensity of those feelings reduced. I fell out of love. With that return to normality I felt sad, disappointed, disillusioned and somewhat depressed.
I once suggested to JWS that he couldn't feel the same "togetherness" that my ex wife and I once felt, with a MLTR setup. JWS thankfully did not chew my ass and spit it out after that comment. Now with a bit more experience and self-understanding, I believe I understand something more of what that sense of "togetherness" was. It was an illusion.
Individual will reasserts itself
Just as the infant realizes it isn't omnipotent, the illusion of unity when you've fallen in love must inevitably come to an end. She realizes that she's going to have to wash his socks for as long as they are together... He won't ever become a vegetarian like her... She isn't really that interested in his coin collection after all... HE REALIZES THAT SHE DOESN'T NECESSARILY WANT TO FUCK HIM ALL THE TIME!
Sometimes at different speeds, each partner realizes that the apparent unity is in fact, an illusion.
Falling in love, whilst thoroughly enjoyable when we experience it, usually lasts not more than a few months to a maximum of a few years. Plenty of time for copulation, pregnancy, childbirth and care of the baby.
Falling in love has been proven to make guys do stupid things, such as:
1) proposing marriage
The myth of romantic love
The myth of Disney is obviously well understood around here, but it doesn't do any harm to mention it in passing. The intensity of falling in love is mixed with the societal and cultural belief that true love "lasts forever". This myth states that there is one individual, one perfect match for everyone. Together they will swim up the river of life, always in love, like swans.
When falling out of love, and realizing that their once "perfect" partner is in fact not "the one" people seem to do one of the following:
1) Just try to make it work and live a life of misery/get dumped/cheated on
Sex and the ego boundary
Ever noticed that feeling of togetherness you have when fucking? Feeling totally connected in the moment? It's another temporary collapse of the ego boundary. Feels good doesn't it?
Ever felt that feeling of pulling up your pants post-coitally, and wanting to go home? A sudden reality of the situation emerges that seemed so different in the moment pre-climax. The ego boundary is snapped firmly back into place and will, for some, remain there until they can enjoy the next shared sexual experience.
It's easy to see how "sex addiction" and "falling in love addiction" can result from lack of a strong inner game». Seeking to repeatedly fall in love or to fuck to satisfy an inbuilt fear of loneliness is weak inner game». As rAFCs and PUAs, we each owe it to ourselves to consider whether we are enjoying our women from a positive position of emotional maturity or from a negative deep-seated feeling of loneliness.
The importance of inner game»
Here is the crux. Solid inner game» is both a source of attractiveness and makes you more able to enjoy sex and falling in love fully and in the context of a meaningful existence.
A true loving relationship is not about "togetherness". I'll take this opportunity to make my apologies to JWS for suggesting that, some months ago. A true relationship requires the acceptance our own and our partner's(s') individuality and separateness. As a man, the only way I can do that properly is to develop rock solid inner game».
How can I do this?
If I am working on each of these 5, I can more fully enjoy sex and falling in love. I can enjoy these fully from a frame of positivity, rather than trying to fill a vacuum of egoic emptiness.
I'm loving the journey
I just spent a very nice Day 1 with HBPolish. I have a Day 1 with HBSecretary setup for next week. Day 2 with HBRomanian is setup for the week after that. Meanwhile 2 MLTRs continue to grace my life with their feminine charm. This is 18 months after I left my marriage. Life feels good.
2) fucking a woman clearly unsuitable for motherhood without a condom and getting her pregnant
3) forgetting how to close his wallet whenever his "true love" is around
and
4) wrapping his balls in shiny paper, tying a ribbon around them, and putting them in his truelove's purse for safe-keeping
2) End the relationship, realize that this person wasn't "the one", and start looking for "the one" again (cycle repeats, until death)
3) End the relationship, understand the true reality of relationships, grow from the experience, and approach relationships differently in future.
[rare!]
4) Continue the relationship, accepting that the feeling of falling in love has long passed but in a spirit of mutual growth and benefit
[even more rare!]
1) Promote self-understanding
2) Have clear life goals, and work towards achieving them
3) Strive to remain physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthy
4) Learn to be comfortable independently of whether I am on my own, in a relationship or in multiple relationships
5) At all times be aware that all relationships are temporary and should be based on mutual benefit
