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“Q&A: What If She Doesn’t Call Me Back?” – December 6, 2002
***QUESTION FROM A READER***
Hey David,
I have been studying your materials for a long time now, and you definitely know what your talking about. I have a question that I think you would be able help me with.
12 days ago I went to a local club with some of my friends. I was having a good time on the upper balcony when I looked down to the main level and noticed a girl. I decided to muster up some courage and go down and meet her. I got down to the main level and stood about 15-20 feet away from her and got absolutely tongue tied (this doesn’t normally happen to me). haha I must have looked like such a wuss. Anyways after about 5 seconds of standing their I walked back up to my friends who were observing, they said sorry to see you strike out. I told them I didnt even get up to bat. So a few seconds later one of my good friends said give it another try. So I did, I went down to the main level and walked right up to her and said “you look bored” she said “yah I am, clubs really arent my thing”, I was going to bust on her, but I realized that clubs werent really my thing either (this was my 3rd time ever at a club and I am 19). So we talked for a bit, I didnt say anything to funny, I just tried to act as confident as I could. When I got her name, I asked her to save me a dance. She said sure and she smiled. So I go back up to the balcony to hang with my friends, and about half an hour later we all went to the dance floor, most of us just stood there like losers, but oh well we were having fun. This is when I saw the girl again, she was smoking. I dont really like smoking but oh well. So I went up to her and said “hey” she said “hi” back and I told her to put out her cigarette, she asked me “why”, I said “so we can dance”. So we danced for a song or two and then we both decided that it was to noisy in the main room, so we went into one of the quieter bar rooms and I just acted calm and cool. At the end of the night, when I went home, she kissed me and asked me if I would call her. I said “maybe” and kissed her again and went home.
I called her 2 days later and asked her to a local sports bar right on the spot. she said sure. So we went and had a great time. I must have said a lot of funny things cause she laughed a lot. It was great, then we played mini golf and after the date we went outside. When suddenly I took her against a wall and kissed her, she told me she was waiting for me to do that. Then we started making out like crazy against the wall. It was pretty cool. After this I went home to study for a test the next day. (I am in university)
I decided that I wanted to be mysterious and be aloof, so I didnt call her for 5 days. On the 5th day, another group of my friends invited me to play indoor beach volleyball with them and then go to a party. After this I had hockey. So I decided to call up her and ask her to go with me. When I called her, she said she was working on the late shift at her work and wouldnt be done till 11 but then she would call me. Well needless to say, she DIDNT call. Of course I didnt want to act needy so I didnt call her and ask where she was or anything like that. The next night that same group asked me to go stargazing with them and the girls of the group told me that it would be so romantic for me to invite her out to do that. But I didnt call her. I decided that it was wiser for me to wait for her to call me back. Well that was 6 days ago and still no call.
I think it would be awesome if you would analyze my story and tell me what I did right and what I did wrong. Also if I should call her back or if I shouldnt, also what any reasons may be that she didnt call me back. Thanks a lot, I appreciate it.
K.J.
Detroit
>>>MY COMMENTS:
Well, your story has so many interesting lessons, I don’t even know where to begin.
Let’s take it from the top, and I’ll comment on a few of the various things that happened with you and this girl.
One thing that immediately caught my attention is the story of how you approached this girl.
At first, you hesitated, then left. Your friends even said “sorry to see you strike out”… but one of your friends was smart enough to tell you to get yourself back down there and talk to her. Then you started the conversation by saying “You look bored…”.
This demonstrates a couple of very important concepts that most guys don’t realize:
1. Don’t assume anything until you’ve talked to a woman and you KNOW what the result was.
2. Start a conversation, and it’s OK to start by saying something normal like “You look bored”.
Most guys get nervous when they see a woman, walk away, then look at her for as long as she stays within view, kicking themselves for not talking to her.
The opportunity stays open until she’s gone (which, by the way, is usually pretty quickly). But if she’s still around, then you still have the chance to go talk to her… so do it!
And saying ANYTHING is better than saying nothing and letting the opportunity pass. You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. It costs a few moments, and the potential payoff is amazing.
Most men don’t approach women because they fear being rejected. But “rejection” isn’t that bad! Most women who REALLY don’t want to talk to you will still be relatively nice…
You did the right thing.
At the end of the night when she asked you to call her and you replied “maybe” and kissed her you REALLY did the right thing. This is classic Cocky & Funny teasing with a mixed message. Love it.
Another great thing you did was calling her a couple of days later and asking her to get together with you RIGHT THEN. I don’t mention this enough, and I’m glad you brought it up.
One of the best times to do something is RIGHT NOW, and a lot of women will respond well to an invite on the spot. Women also tend to FLAKE OUT LESS when it’s in the moment. They don’t have time to come up with excuses or reasons not to show up. Nice.
Now I’d like to address your question, and comment on what to do if a woman doesn’t call you back…
I believe that women are generally programmed with the following idea:
“Men call women. If I don’t call him back, he’ll call me.”
Most women expect men to call THEM.
And if they don’t return a call, they expect the man to call back and PURSUE them.
Nice, huh?
Well, once you learn how to REALLY dial up the attraction inside of a woman, you’ll find that these rules will go out the window… but they’ll NEVER entirely go away.
I have a principle that I teach in my Advanced CD Audio Series, and in my live seminars. It goes a little somethin’ like this…
“Never let the line go slack.”
If you’re interested in a woman, there may come a time when she gets busy, doesn’t call you back, blows you off, flakes out, or whatever.
This is the real world, and these things happen.
A lot of guys make the mistake of TAKING THIS PERSONALLY, letting it upset them, and then not doing ANYTHING to get back on track.
Some guys even have a rule: “If she won’t return my phone call, then I don’t want to talk to her again.”
I think that this is noble, but probably a little bit extreme in this day and age.
If you’re interested in seeing a woman again, then a better idea is to NEVER LET THE LINE GO SLACK.
If she starts to drift away, don’t just stand around and let it happen. Do something!
In your case, this girl might have just gotten off of work an hour or two late and didn’t want to call you too late… or maybe she got off late and she was tired… or whatever.
In her mind she’s probably thinking “I wonder why he hasn’t called me… maybe he doesn’t like me”.
She probably thinks that she was being sweet and considerate by not calling you.
If you take the principle of “Never let the line go slack” and apply it here, you’d probably want to give her a call a day or two later to ask her to do something again.
Use the fact that she didn’t call you back as a theme to tease her. Bust on her and tell her that she now owes you big time because she flaked out.
Get her to beg for forgiveness, then say “I’ll think about it… and while I’m thinking, come over here and give me a two hour full body massage”.
The moral here is to stop expecting women to call you, and start DOING THE RIGHT THINGS.
If you feel like the line is going slack, then pick up the phone and get things moving again!
You know, it’s very important to understand the ATTITUDE that it takes to have consistent success with women and dating.
Most guys ask me for techniques…
“What do I say if she says that she’s busy?”
“What do I say to get her number?”
“How do I get her back to my place?”
…and I don’t blame them.
But there’s something FAR MORE IMPORTANT that you need to have BEFORE you get these answers.
If you don’t have a deep understanding of the BELIEFS that you need to have, the ATTITUDE that you need to project, and the BODY LANGUAGE» AND VOICE TONE that you need to use, then the TECHNIQUES aren’t going to work very well for you.
As you probably know by now, I really emphasize that it’s a good idea for you to spend time and focus on your “inner game»” just as much or MORE than you focus on your “outer game”.
In my CD Audio series, I spend several HOURS teaching the mindsets, beliefs, ways to overcome fear, and all the other important aspects of your “inner game»“.
I can’t emphasize enough how important this is to being more successful with women and dating!
If you haven’t picked up a set, then you’re going to be amazed at the things you’ll learn about this topic. Check it out at:
…for all the details and to listen to some samples.
If you haven’t read my online eBook “Double Your Dating” yet, then you really need to do that. You can download it in minutes and start learning all of the basic concepts RIGHT NOW. Go here for the details and to get it:
I’ll talk to you again soon.
Your Friend,
David D.
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This is an archive of a David’s answers to questions directed to his mailing list for his Double Your Dating eBook. David’s newsletter is a free e-mail list that that teaches men how to be more successful with women and dating. If you would like to purchase David’s book or subscribe to his mailing list, you should visit http://www.doubleyourdating.com/.
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