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Five Principles for Being a Good Wingman
by Dr. Alex Benzer
of Tao of Dating
February 5th, 2008
There's been something on my mind for quite some time now, and that is the Art of Wingmanship.
After all, this newsletter is about dating women and everything that goes along with it. And a big part of your efforts it going out in public places and meeting new people. Your companions during those excursions can make or break your success.
It dawned on me a few years ago that when you go out to meet women, the biggest potential impediment to your success is not the other guys there, but rather the guys you come with. That's right -- your buddies are much more likely to screw up your progress than any stranger out there.
Why is that? Well, as it turns out, strangers (unless they're rowdy, drunk and rude, which happens sometimes) tend to be much more polite and considerate than your friends, who'll happily butt into the middle of any conversation you're having with Ms Goddess-Of-Your-Dreams.
Why? Because by virtue of being your buddies, they have rapport with you, and they're entitled to make your life miserable. And to have their butts kicked by you afterwards for being such clueless jackasses.
Take, for example, my buddy Jake. Jake is about 28, good-looking, witty and funny, a stand-up guy. Hanging out with him is a ball. Except for one thing: he has no clue how to be a good wingman.
One night we were out, and there had been this very cute girl that I had eyed earlier and was waiting to chat with. I caught her on her way out, and was about to exchange contact info with her, when Jake just barges in and says, "Wow, now *that* was a serious crash and burn!"
Besides the fact that he's clearly talking about the wrong topic (why don't we talk about the best local strip joints in the meantime, eh) and bringing bad tidings to an otherwise sunny interaction (how about throwing in some stories about dead puppies, too), he's making one cardinal mistake:
He's interrupting me. Without being asked to do so.
This brings me to the Golden Rule of Wingmanship. There's only one rule, really:
"If you are not helping me, you are hindering me."
Simple. Succinct. Easy to follow.
Let's examine the actions of Jake under this rubric. Did his random comment, right at the crux of my interaction with the lovely stranger, help my cause in any way? No. So he was hindering me. The best thing he could have done was to leave me alone.
Later on that same evening, there was another situation in which I was speaking to a group of four women, and Jake was standing about 4 feet away, talking to some guys we'd just met. I looked at him many times, I waved him in, and I even told him, "Jake, come here for a sec," but to no avail. Jake persisted in his muleheaded neglect of my entreaties for assistance.
After about 15min, the three girls I wasn't actively speaking to got bored because they weren't speaking to any guys, and they left, taking their friend with them, because that's the way things work.
In this situation, I clearly needed backup, and Jake was not there to help. No help means hindrance. Don't be a hindrance.
I could tell you about dozens of other occasions like this, but I'm sure you have plenty of examples of your own. Wingmanosis is a bad affliction. To make sure your buddies don't catch a terminal case of it, give them these general guidelines:
1) If I'm talking to someone, do not interrupt me unless I specifically ask you to do so.
Hovering 3 inches away from me is as bad as interrupting me, because it makes you impossible to ignore. Go mind your own biz until it's clear I need your assistance.
2) If I do bring you into a conversation, assume that the subsequent interaction will always take the following form: "Marcie, this is my excellent friend Superstud." You will meet the person I'm speaking to, exchange brief pleasantries (emphasis on 'brief') and then move right along until your assistance becomes indispensable (and I *will* tell you when it happens).
Advanced procedure: a nice, sincere-sounding compliment that makes me look good but isn't too saccharine is a good thing. Something along the lines of "Steve has some amazing stories to tell -- you should ask him about them" or "Looks like you met the most interesting guy at the party -- nice work, Marcie!".
3) Be proactive. If I'm trying to keep the attention of a group of 6 women, and half of them are looking around searching for an excuse to get up and leave and take the object of my affection with them, you will dive in and become the life of the party such that they will never dream of entertaining such silly notions.
This is especially true if I'm talking to two women, one of whom is clearly starting to fidget because her friend's getting all the attention. Get in there and entertain her, no matter how onerous you think that may be. You're the wingman. You have a mission. Perform it well. I'll buy you beer later for it. German beer. Two if you do a really good job.
4) Stay conscious. Sure, we're out to have fun and have a few drinks, but there is absolutely no buzzkill bigger than having to take care of an incapacitated (or worse, raving, roving, destructively drunk) friend while attempting to charm a stranger.
This happened to me recently when a friend overdid it, and I had to take care of him for the remainder of the evening. You, my wingman, will always come first, so I'll drop whatever I'm doing to make sure you're okay. However, it goes without saying that I'd prefer that we're both having fun instead, so don't get sloppy stupid on me.
5) Stay off each others' toes. If you start speaking to someone first, you get the right of first refusal (aka 'dibs'). If I start speaking to her first, I get dibs. If you're not sure, take me aside for a sec and ask. There are enough inconsiderate yahoos in the place already -- you don’t need to be another.
The power is within you,
Dr Alex
PS: Can you think of two friends who would also find this article useful? Then send it to them! They'll thank you for it.
PPS: I'm interested in your questions and comments regarding dating, persuasion and networking, so please do send them to me. I can be reached at dra***x@th***.com[ ? ]
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