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HOW TO HANDLE FLAKING FOR GOOD (AND AVOID THE 3.2
by Dr. Alex Benzer
of Tao of Dating
June 30th, 2006
with a letter from Jay, one of my
students:
Hey Dr. Alex~
Love your material... Thank you very
much! I have a situation I was hoping to
have your personal opinion on...
So at a wedding in July, I met my cousin's
live-in nanny from Australia...tall, beautiful
blonde who's only in the area until January.
She's 20, I'm 28...and while age doesn't
dictate maturity, she does seem to have a high
propensity to game-play to get attention. We
dated for a couple months, seeing each other
about twice a week, and being very
affectionate/intimate.
I've played it very cool and "kept it light"
thusfar...usually waiting for her to make call or
email first. Then about a month ago, she started
to play more games and was being very hot/cold...
i.e., calling me six times from a bar one night,
then pretty much blowing me off the next day.
It also seemed like there was a pattern of us
making plans, and something coming up for her
afterwards, her cancelling them... I didn't
get it b/c she still expressed interest.
Since those days, I've "detached," and decided to
fully let her chase me. She emailed me once a
week later, with a few brief "thinking of you,"
"hopefully we can chat soon" lines...I responded
with a nonchalant "Hey there, talk soon" email.
Since that day about 3 weeks ago, there's been
no word. I vowed not to call, but I would've expected
to hear from her by now. Because I know she needs
attention, I'm pretty sure this has got to be bothering
her, but it's starting to really bother me, too!
I know she's not the girl for me, long-term...but
the problem is I'm just so sexually attracted to her,
and feel lonely for someone to hang out with. Man,
the "psychology of scarcity" really works, even on
you, even when you understand it. I'd love your
expert opinion...Should I call? Will she call? Or
should I keep my pride, and just try to forget
about her??
Thanks so very much! All my best...
--Jay from PA
I really like "Jay from PA's" story, because it's such
a common scenario for guys. They meet a girl.
Things are going great. And then, suddenly poof!
She's gone. And they wonder what the heck went
wrong.
Jay's letter brings up at least four big themes
from my ebook, "The Tao of Dating: The Thinking
Man's Guide to Success with Women." The first is
the difference between Girls and Women. The
second is being fulfillment-centered. The third
is the importance of Leading. And the fourth is
Wealth-Consciousness vs. the Scarcity Mentality.
First of all, I want you (meaning Jay, and every one
of you who has ever been in Jay's place) to know
this: you probably didn't do anything wrong. And
she probably still likes you. But girls at that age
are exceptionally flighty creatures, utterly and
totally unpredictable. You simply can't figure
them out, so don't try to. The only thing you can
predict about them is that they can't be
predicted.
It's really a cruel joke the universe plays on us...
the exact time when women are most attractive to
us is also when they can cause us the most pain.
But pain is just wishing the world to be different than
it is, so it's always optional. Just accept the
craziness of it all. It's a feature, not a bug.
Roll with it.
But, I digress. One of the points that I make in
the ebook is to start dealing more with Women, not
Girls. Ask any woman over 30, and she will gladly
tell you that she was "so bad to men" when she was
younger.
Don't take my word for it--just ask your female
friends. And go seek out Women more than
you seek out Girls. The difference between them
is that girls primarily rely on outside opinion to run
their lives: friends, magazines, media--
whereas women have developed an internal sense
of self that guides them. They know what they
want, make no apologies for it, tend to return
phone calls, and appreciate your company more.
They're also more experienced sexually, and right
about the age of 30, something magical happens to
their bodies, almost like it's caught some kind of
holy fire. Whereas for a 20 year old, sex is
something that's kinda fun but she's not quite
sure what all the fuss is about, the 30 year old
woman LOVES sex and knows exactly why. So go
get thee some Women in their thirties, young man.
The second thing that Jay's letter brings to mind
is one of the things that I really emphasized in
the "Tao of Dating" ebook:
Fulfillment is not a person. Fulfillment is a
*feeling.*
That feeling is evoked by things like
companionship, shared adventure, intimacy, good
conversation, sex, etc. If you're not getting
those, YOU'RE NOT BEING FULFILLED. So go forth
and find someone who does give you those feelings.
You understand what I'm talking about here?
From what I'm hearing, the Aussie girl is probably
hot. But in describing her, Jay mentions things
like "game-playing," "attention-seeking," being
bothered by her, feeling lonely, etc.
I don't know about you, but that stuff doesn't
sound a lot like fulfillment to me, regardless of
how hot she is.
The third thing that the letter brings up is how
Jay's been dealing with the situation. Now I
haven't witnessed the whole course of this
relationship, but it sounds like she's been
jerking his chain a little bit. My question to
him (and every on of us whose chain has ever
been jerked, including yours truly) is: How did it
all start? And how did you handle it?
It sounds to me that Jay, like a lot of us, got so
attracted to the girl that we were willing to put up
with it from the outset and probably didn't call her
on it. And once she found out she could get away
with it, it just got worse.
The solution to this is NEVER to let it happen in
the first place. Call her on it. Nip it in the
bud.
You do this by LEADING, which is one of the three
cardinal attributes of being a MAN. You're
setting the pace. You're setting the agenda. As
soon as you abdicate that role, you will lose
control of the relationship.
You see, women are naturally attracted to
DOMINANT men. This doesn't just mean
dominant to her, but dominant in society at
large. Somebody with real strength and status.
Dominant to other men. Masculine Yang
energy. Think of senators, successful
businessmen, men of power. (The good
news is you don't have to be president or CEO
to *display* the signs of dominance. I talk all
about that in Chapter 8 and 9 of "The Tao of
Dating" ebook.)
When she tests you by jerking your chain and gets
away with it, you have just lost a dominance
battle to her--a WOMAN. Now where does that put
you?
It puts you at what I call "The 3.2 billionth
position."
There are 3.2 billion men on this planet. And you
just went to the back of that queue. Because you
got bested by a woman, who is by nature physically
smaller and less strong than you. And that means
that, theoretically, ALL the guys--who are all
bigger and stronger than her--are probably
dominant to you. At least in her mind.
Do *not* get caught in the 3.2 billionth position.
Always take the lead.
The fourth thing that the letter brings up is the
mentality of scarcity. The Tao of Dating is
predicated on three big themes: Wealth-
Consciousness, the Be-Do-Have Paradigm, and
Enlightened Self-Interest. Of these three, I
would say Wealth-Consciousness is the most
important.
And when you feel you've only got one cookie in
the world, it's tough to feel that whole
wealth-consciousness thing. So realize that there
are millions more attractive, interesting women
out there, and there's no reason to ever get
"hungry." Say to yourself, "I have everything that
I need," because it's a true statement. Go to the
nine Secret Goldmines for Quality Women that I
mention in the ebook, use the Two-Hit System for
meeting them, get their information the way I tell
you to, and go on at least four non-boring dates
with four new women. (Then, Jay and all "I'm-in-
the-same-place-as-Jay" men, come back and see
how you feel about the "one" woman.)
But I hear where you're coming from: she's hot.
And you dig her. And you want her back, on your
terms. Although I'm recommending that you
basically move on and diversify your portfolio, as
they say in the corporate world, here's what you
do:
You need to appear to be less attracted to her
than she is to you. Put yourself lower than her
on the attraction gradient. The ball is in play,
and it doesn't ever roll uphill.
You do this by ignoring her. The trick is to make
her aware of the fact that she's being actively
ignored.
So, you send an email or leave a voicemail along
these lines: "Hey there, girl. Haven't
heard from you in a while and was wondering how
you're doing. Actually, the last few times you
kinda screwed up your opportunities to spend time
with me, so I want you to know that I'm taking you
off the fun list. I'm sorry; it's just that there
are standards. I've also put up a perimeter
invisible electric fence around my place, so if
you ever try to just visit, it'll zap you. With
good behavior, you might be able to get back on
the list, but we'll have to see about that."
You're being funny, you're not being needy, and
you're laying down the law. And it's the only way
of doing it with your dignity intact. If this
doesn't work, the signal the universe is sending
you to move on is pretty clear.
Obviously these are just parts of the full system
that is "The Tao of Dating" e-book, which shows you
how to find, meet, attract and date» the kind of
women you *truly* deserve to have in your life, in a
way that fits with your personality.
Your friend,
Dr. Alex
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