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HOW TO LEARN FROM BREAKUPS (& THE CENTRAL CHALLENGE OF
by Dr. Alex Benzer
of Tao of Dating
June 30th, 2006
can teach you about relationships, yourself, and what really
matters to you.
Recently, I was dating this really great woman. She was
feisty, she was beautiful, she was cool and fun and
adventurous, and we really cared for each other.
Sounds like the formula for an ideal relationship, right?
Except...there was one thing missing.
See, the way I think about, in an ideal relationship, you want
to be able to connect with your partner at three levels. In simple terms:
to have a lasting, powerful relationship, you want to be able to connect
with your mate in three separate ways.
These three levels correspond roughly to three of the
chakras. (Chakras, in traditional Indian medicine and
mysticism, are seven energy centers corresponding to
different organs of the body). The three we're going to
deal with are at the groin, the heart, and the forehead.
(I talk about lots of this stuff, and related topics, in my ebook,
"The Tao of Dating.")
The first is a sexual connection, corresponding to the groin
chakra. A lot of people skip over this sexual compatibility
component when entering into a relationship, then wonder why
things aren't working out when it's too late (and they
already have 2.3 kids and a mortgage). Guys--*don't* be one
of those guys. (And girls--*don't* be one of those girls, either.)
The sexual connection is absolutely key. There are dozens
of ways that the human mind and body has configured, over
a span of millions of years, to figure out whether or not two people should
reproduce together. Some have to do with smell; some
have to do with how much time you've spent with someone when
you were very young.
For example, recent research has shown that the mechanism that
keeps siblings from finding one another attractive also keeps
children on a kibbutz from being attracted to one another. As
it turns out, kids that grow up on the same kibbutz almost never
marry one another.
The purpose of most of these mechanisms has to do with the genetic health
of the offspring--from avoiding the risk of congenital
disease to optimizing the robustness of the children's
immune systems. But for whatever reason they exist, they're there.
They're part of the Tao. And you can't fight them. You cannot *think* a
person
into attractiveness.
So...if you're thinking about pursuing a woman in the
long-term, make sure you feel a visceral attraction towards
her. You don't get out of the starting gate without it.
Without that spark, without the passion, all you've got is a
complicated friendship. And you don't need another one of
those.
The second connection is a deeply felt affection and
appreciation, at the level of the heart chakra. Some people
call this love. We could talk for days about that one, but
we're going to it brief here, in the interests of the
discussion.
For a relationship to perpetuate and grow, it's necessary
for the two people to care for one another. This may seem
entirely obvious, but lots of people (perhaps even yourself)
have had low-calorie relationships where there's a great
sexual connection and lots of fun, but only a little
investment in mutual long-term growth and well-being. And
there's a time and a place for that, and it's perfectly OK,
as long as both parties are on equal footing and comfortable
with the terms of the relationship.
It's also important to recognize what the heart chakra
connection is *not*. It is *not* infatuation, obsession,
codependency or possessiveness. Those are the *opposite* of
the heart connection. Rather, the heart chakra connection is a deep,
sustained appreciation of another person for who he or she is.
And then, there's the "head" connection.
For those of you who don't have one, lucky you. As they
say: no brain, no pain. But to the rest of us--well, for
me, this tends to be the trickiest one.
The head connection is about having intellectual
compatibility. It doesn't have to be an exact match, but
you do want there to be a receiving station for the
words you're broadcasting to one another--a rough
correspondence between what you are saying and what she's
perceiving. It's all about words.
This happens both at the level of content and process. If
she likes to talk about handbags and you're into nuclear
physics, you may have a mismatch. If the word "fun" means
jumping out of planes for you, but to her it means baking a
casserole, you also have a mismatch. If you're sharing your
experiences and she perceives it as bragging, or she's
joking around and you perceive it as injury, there's also a
disconnect at the head level.
In my experience this is the most challenging part to get
right between two people, because words are tricky business.
One sound, so many meanings. What does the word "set" mean to you?
The dictionary has 250+ definitions for that one. How about
"love?"
Which brings us back to the story. To all of you who are
still wondering what happened to that relationship of mine:
the other two connections were fantastic, but the one at the
head chakra simply wasn't there. All relationships are
temporary, and especially without the head connection, they
can only last so long. Hey, man--happens to the best of
us.
The good news is that men and woman have intrinsically
different verbal communication styles, so the challenge is a
universal one. And the three chakra connections feed into
one another.
For example, you're less likely to perceive someone's joke
as a slight if you know the heart-level connection between
you is strong. For an extensive, funny and very readable
treatment of innate male-female differences, especially when
it comes to communication styles, I highly recommend "Why
Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps" by Barbara and
Allan Pease.
So now you're asking, "OK, Dr. Alex. This is nice.
Relevance, please?"
Hold your horses, bro. We're about to get to the really
good part.
The key reason why dating and relationships are such a
challenge is because of one thing: EXPECTATION.
If you had no expectations about anything, everything at
every moment in your life would be peachy-keen. Let's do a
little thought experiment here, and see what your dating
world would look like if you had no expectations:
You wouldn't worry about how she'd react when you approached
her. Acceptance and rejection would become meaningless.
You wouldn't worry about whether she's going to call back.
You wouldn't worry about what to wear, where to take her,
whether or not to pay the bill, or when to call her again.
You wouldn't worry if she's going to kiss you goodnight or
sleep with you. You would reside fully in the present. You
wouldn't worry about a darn thing.
Without expectation, you would never experience
disappointment. And without disappointment, your spirit
would never grow old, and life would be a perpetual ball.
Of course, it would be easy for me to say, "Go, and reside
fully in the present." Just like that guy from the movie
"Memento (one of my favorites)." Or that other movie,
"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." After all, it's
what the Eastern masters say. It's the way of the Tao.
Just do it. Right?
But human beings are designed to be time-binding creatures.
Planning and expectation are essential to our survival. You
sow now, in expectation of a rich harvest in six months. You plan for
this harvest, and make silos--so you have food for the winter.
You inhabit this world with its myriad deadlines,
appointments, expiration dates, performance reviews,
quarterly reports. Most of us will not escape time and
expectation in this lifetime.
And the Tao of Dating is about practicality -- being able to
*apply* the principles to this life, in this
rough-and-tumble world. So I'm going to tell you what to
EXPECT with each type of connection that you can have with a
woman. You may not be able to get rid of expectation, but
you CAN manage it, which adds to your empowerment and joy.
Here's the nugget: You can't start a relationship unless
you have that element of sexual attraction, that eros, that
"groin chakra" connection between the two of you. So don't
even try--it's bound to falter.
If you *just* have a groin level connection, it'll be lots of
fun...but won't last long.
If you have a groin and heart chakra connection, you have a
good start. This type of relationship can last for a few
months easily--a year with effort. In that time, with
determination, you may be able to develop the head
connection, too.
If you have a head and groin connection, congratulations!
You've got what every guy dreams about: a friend with
benefits. This can last for as long as the arrangement is
mutually acceptable. What tends to happen, however, is that
one partner starts to develop "feelings (oh no, not those)".
And then you have to deal with that--either upgrade to
the full-fledged, three-chakra deal, or "exit, stage left." Also,
if someone waltzes into your life with whom you have an
intense heart connection, you will forget about Ms. Benefits
*instantly.* Guaranteed.
If you've got someone with whom all three connections
are on--you've got a keeper, buddy, and it's worth
cherishing and nurturing. And you'll be having so much fun
with HER, you won't have time to be reading this stuff any
more. I certainly hope I can help give you that problem.
The power is within you,
Dr. Alex
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