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| Dr. Alex Benzer is a Harvard graduate and former consultant turned dating advice guru. Dr. Alex offers some of the most intelligent and interesting ideas you will read, both based in practical experience and ancient Tao philosophy. You may have heard of the Tao of Physics, but don't miss the equivalent of the Tao of picking up women in the exellent newsletters by Dr. Alex. To find out more about Tao of Dating, visit them at www.thetaoofdating.com. |
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HOW TO WORK A ROOM II: YOUR LETTERS
by Dr. Alex Benzer
of Tao of Dating
October 17th, 2007
Gentlemen. And Ladies. How are ya.
I'm back at the office from my trip to NYC. It's good to be home, especially since the Book Expo was such an intense experience.
Let's just say that yesterday afternoon, I thought I'd take a nap at 5pm. Next thing I knew, it was 6am.
So to all of you in New York City who were kind enough to write in and ask to meet up, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive. Next time, I'll set up a proper time to meet & greet all the fine folks in the Big Apple.
And, while we're at it, it's been a while since the last meet & greet in LA, so why don't we set up one of those soon.
So having spent a full four days networking furiously at a conference attended by over 50,000 people, it's no surprise that I have networking on my mind. And some great new ideas to incorporate into the upcoming teleseminar.
First, a letter on the topic from one of our esteemed readers that came right after the '10 tips' article went out. I'm including the exchange because it illustrates some Taoist and spiritual concepts very nicely:
"Hey Doc!
This question is a little specific to my anatomy... no, no not down there. It's my face. For some inexplicable reason, it tends to light up, blush, turn red... sometimes even beet red in the presence of attractive women (especially when I have a devious intent). Now I'm a good looking guy, fairly confident... kinda intense, VERY well composed and this just looks absolutely ridiculous when it occurs. 90% of the time I get called out on it, "Awe are you embarrassed?" and that will noticeably amplify the effect. I'm automatically put on the defensive and the interaction is usually down hill from there. Have you ever ran into this before? Can you you make any suggestions as how to keep the upper hand in this situation? I'm starting to develop a complex here.
Much appreciated,
Adam W."
This is what I wrote back:
"Thanks for writing in, Adam, and great question! The general principle for this kind of thing is 'own it and flow with it'. What you acknowledge you can transcend; what you resist, persists. Taoist wisdom says within your greatest weakness is your greatest strength. So instead of being embarrassed and fearing that it's going to happen again, *know* that it's going to happen again and develop ways of playing it off or playing it up. Example: "Aww, are you embarrassed?" You: "Well, you know, this happens to me every time I'm around an exceptionally attractive woman—I just can't help it." (add sly smile here) Now it's working in your favor, and you may even miss it when it stops.
Hope this helps
AB"
And this is what Adam wrote in return:
"Well said, Doc, well said. Now that you mention it, it is quite an asset when I'm pissed. It's funny to see a guy twice your size taken back because you appear to be so angry your head's about to explode! :) I'll see what I can do to get it working for me on a more positive note too. Just got a flood of ideas of how to put it to use.
Big time metta,
Adam"
(Note: 'metta' is the Sanskrit term for loving-kindness, the one of the highest ideals in Hindu philosophy).
You're probably thinking, "Well, I don't have a blushing problem. What the heck does this have to do with me?"
First off, kudos to Adam because he GOT it. Time and time again, you guys have shown that all you need is a little nudge, and you really get it. Smart, smart people. Fantastic stuff.
The point here is that we all have perceived advantages and impediments in any sphere of endeavor. And we're absolutely freakin' *convinced* that the impediment is special to us, and it's totally insurmountable.
Siiiiiiigh.
When it comes to dating, you may think you are not _________ enough. You can fill in the blank with tall, rich, thin, handsome, pretty, articulate, whatever you want to.
When it comes to networking, you can fill it in with extroverted, charming, talkative, sociable, whatever.
Well, I've got good news and bad news for you, my friend.
The bad news is that these are all just excuses.
The good news is that these are all just excuses.
This means that the chief reason why you haven't been as good as you can be at those things is YOU.
And, luckily, you can turn that around on a dime by getting rid of the excuses.
It's been articulated many different ways. "What you resist persists. What you acknowledge you gain power and control over."
"Energy flows where attention goes."
"You get more of what you focus on."
I read this great book that I got from the Book Expo called 'How to Create A Magical Relationship'. It's a quick read, and it's a fantastic tool for working on your relationship if you already have one. The couple who wrote it, Ariel and Shya Kane, have been doing relationship counseling for over 20 years, and are very good at what they do.
They don't know me and I'm not getting any financial gain from this, but they were kind enough to give me their book as a gift (signed!), so I'm spreading the word. They do regular seminars (cheap!) in New York City, so check them out at www.ask-inc.com.
Anyway, with that out of the way, their Principle of Transformation is:
"Anything you resist persists and grows stronger."
So if you blush, and you really, really don't want to blush, and you worry about it all the time, chances are very good that you are going to blush.
Especially with a blush, because as soon as someone calls you on it, you're even more embarrassed, and you blush more, and so on.
Chapter 60 of the Tao Te Ching says:
"Give evil nothing to oppose
and it will disappear by itself."
Huh. Think about that for a sec.
If you walk around in a social gathering thinking, "I'm boring and nobody's going to find me interesting", that becomes a lot more likely to happen.
And the solution? It has two steps to it.
First, make yourself one with the block. Chapter 23 of the Tao Te Ching says:
Express yourself completely,
then keep quiet.
Be like the forces of nature:
When it blows, there is only wind;
When it rains, there is only rain;
When the clouds pass, the sun shines through.
The way you do this is you become very bendy and completely GIVE IN to your impediment. In the waythat the willow branch bends and lets the snow fall ofits own accord.
Step two, of course, is to take your mind off what you don't want and to focus instead on what you DO want.
In the meantime, here's the networking tip for the day: the Nucleation Site concept.
In high school chemistry class, some of you may remember the demonstration where they poured salt or sugar into a glass of water until it wouldn't dissolve any more.
Then they heat the water up and pour more solute in there until it can't take it anymore and you've got a 'supersaturated' solution.
Then they would let the solution cool. And after it cooled, if you dropped a tiny little crystal of salt or sugar or whatever in there, the whole solution would suddenly turn solid white and crystallize. Cooool.
What the solution needed to get the crystallization reaction going was a little starting point called a 'nucleation site'. That's what the little grain of salt was.
Similarly, in a big social event, it's not possible to get to know everyone instantly. That's like convincing the whole solution to crystallize all at once. Ain't happenin', chief.
What you CAN do, however, is to start small and expand from there. I don't care how tongue-tied you're feeling at the time—find *someone* you're comfortable talking to. (We're assuming you've already implemented the tip from the last article to warm up first. Right? Right.)
Now, chances are that this person knows at least one other person at this event. So, after you've had a pleasant exchange with the person, you say, "Who else do you know at this event? Shall we go say hi to them?"
And then you proceed to go say hi to the next person and double the number of your acquaintances at the event.
Guess what? You can do this again. You can also break away and start another nucleation site (which is my preferred technique). Before you know it, you know half the people in the room.
Before I leave, I want to remind you of the 5 principles from the Tao of Social Networking:
1) Accept all invitations.
2) Show up.
3) Accept all contacts. Talk to *everyone* and get contact info.
4) Follow up within 24-72 hrs—a simple email is often enough.
5) Give back by inviting people to an event of your own, or connecting them to an event they would be interested in.
In the next article, I'll give you more fun, cool, tips on How to Work A Room, including the epiphany I had when I was in New York. In the meantime, send me your questions and comments at dra***x@th***.com[ ? ]
The power is within you,
Dr Alex
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