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Literal VS Lateral: The Central Principle of Your Attractiveness
by Dr. Alex Benzer
of Tao of Dating
March 24th, 2008
This is one of the most important articles I've written in a while, so I hope you have the time to sit down and REALLY pay attention.
See, yesterday I was speaking to a friend of mine.
Specifically, Aaron was talking about how he met this scorching hot woman at a big party this last weekend. They hit it off. He suggested they get together for dinner.
She immediately reels off the names of the four most expensive restaurants in town. Now Aaron's a well-to-do guy, but he's not too keen on being a couple of hundred bucks in the hole on a first date -- and understandably so.
His question was, "How do I get out of this corner that I've painted myself into?"
Ahh. Interesting.
Before we get into the meat of this article, a short note on dinner dates. First of all, dinner dates as a first date are a big no-no in the Tao of Dating playbook (unless you're cooking, in which case it's the best possible first date). I explain this in some detail in The Tao of Dating, so re-read that section on what makes a good date.
Why is a dinner date custom-made to create dating failure? Oh, let me count the ways:
1) You are usually seated directly facing a near-stranger the whole time. The only other time this happens in real life is in an interview or an interrogation, neither of which is fun, but at least they don't cost you money.
If you're gonna have dinner with a romantic interest, do your best to sit at right angles to each other or side-by-side. Leave the face-to-face thing for *after* you've already established the relationship.
2) There is a tacit requirement to have constant eye contact with your dinner companion. In the animal kingdom, sustained direct eye contact means either "Let's fight" or "Let's fornicate." Since you don't know each other very well yet, and most first dates don't lead to fornication, this is an awkward, uncomfortable situation -- especially if you didn’t bring your boxing gloves.
3) Someone has to pay, and there's a whole messy little dance around that issue that you'd like to avoid if you could. If the place is expensive, that raises the stakes. If the place is cheap, that reflects on you, too. Complications you simply don't need.
That's all for now on dinner dates. Sharing a meal together as an incidental part of an evening's plan is great, and a fantastic way to bond with someone after, say, you've been to the opera, ice-skating, or on a bike ride.
What I object to is a dinner date as the centerpiece of a first date. Any relationship that developed out of that happened in spite of the dinner date, not because of it.
Now -- back to regularly scheduled programming.
My friend Arthur was in this quandary primarily because he was stuck in what I call 'literal mode' communication and thinking. Basically, he said he wanted to go to dinner with her, with the implication that it's his treat.
And she had said great idea. Here are some super-expensive restaurants I'd like to go to. Everything's very literal. There's only one way to interpret things. And only one or two ways to respond: yes, or no.
This, my friend, is exactly how you give your power away. In literal mode, you have very little room for maneuvering. If power means choice, then you just killed your own power.
Most men use literal communication and thinking styles for dating situations:
"What do you do?"
"Where are you from?"
"Wow, you're beautiful."
"Can I buy you a drink?"
"I really like you."
"What's a good time for you?"
And I am here to tell you that literal mode is the kiss of death for dating purposes. It simply DOES NOT WORK. Ever.
(And if it did, she liked you already and there was little you could do to screw it up short of publicly strangling a baby chinchilla -- trust me on this one).
The solution, my friends, is simple. I call it 'lateral mode', after Edward de Bono's groundbreaking work on Lateral Thinking (a book worth getting, by the way).
For example, here's a lateral mode response to Hottie With Expensive Taste (HWET) after she rattles off the names of the top four restaurants in LA:
"Wow, HWET, that sounds great. Now, I know I'm totally worth it, but you really don't have to spend all that money on me on a first date. You can always just take me somewhere reasonably priced; I don't mind at all."
So what have we done here?
We've taken the straightforward, boy-meets-girl, boy-asks-out-girl, boy-pays-for-girl paradigm on its head and made it HER idea to take you out to a fancy restaurant (turning the tables is always a fine tactic, by the way). Now *she's* the one who's in a jam.
This is the essence of lateral mode: breaking out of the boxes of convention, literal thinking, linear action, and opening up your interactions with women to a whole new realm of possibility.
Now here's an observation: when you're saying something like "I don't want you to spend too much money on me," are you joking? Or being serious? Or a little bit of both?
This is what makes lateral mode -- which I also call 'banter mode' -- so powerful. It just breaks wide open the range of things you can bring up.
A friend of mine who was notoriously good with women used to say 'never give a straight answer'. That's a good start, and lateral mode is about applying that kind of thinking to your whole communication as well as answers to questions.
For example, if someone asks you "What do you do?," you have two choices.
Literal mode means you give them your resume. You are constrained by the facts, which are predetermined, which usually get you nowhere exciting (unless you happen to be a hypnotist :)
Lateral mode means you can be whatever you want. And whatever you want can be a conversation that inevitably leads somewhere interesting.
Since you're partially kidding, you're not lying or being evasive. You're in banter mode! You're having fun. And fun is fun.
Think about the fun conversations you've had with your good friends recently. How many of them were about facts? How many of them were in literal mode?
I'm willing to bet that most of those conversations were in lateral mode. You were goofing off, making stuff up. And it was a good time.
And so we get to some of the reasons why banter mode/lateral mode (I will use the two terms interchangeably) is the way forward:
1) In banter mode, you have a much wider choice of how to act and what to say than when you're in literal mode.
For example, if you ask a woman out in literal mode and she says, "Umm, no, I don't think so", then stick a fork in yourself 'cause you're done.
In banter mode, you can always ask here "So, when are you going to take me out?", which avoids the rejection situation entirely and keeps the conversation open even is she says 'no' to start.
Do you get where this is going? Oh good.
2) One of the main principles, if not THE main principle of The Tao of Dating for men is to LEAD -- all the time. I cover this in Chapters 8 and 9 of the book, which if you don’t already have, you can get here: www.thetaoofdating.com/order
You may not notice it, but when you are in banter mode, you have no choice but to lead all the time.
Why? Because you're being funny, making stuff up, teasing, and being cheeky. And you can't do any of those if you're following! So banter mode is a covert way, effortless way of leading all the time. And leading is the essence of attractiveness.
3) Being in lateral mode/banter mode is funny! And funny is fun!! And people like to have fun, and be around fun people!!! Okay, enough exclamation marks. The point is, there is mirth inherent in lateral mode. In fact, Edward de Bono explains that what makes jokes funny is lateral thinking. I'm telling you it's a good book...
In short: people are drawn to funny people, being drawn to people is the same as attraction, which means lateral mode makes you more attractive. No mascara necessary.
4) Lateral mode/banter mode creates uncertainty in the mind of your listener: "Is he serious when he says 'I study cannibals for a living' or is he kidding?" This leads to the next thought, which is usually "I'm going to figure this out".
This is called curiosity, which in an earlier newsletter I said is the most powerful emotion you can evoke in a woman. Why? Because she will want to know more about you and will therefore be drawn to you. Drawn to you = attracted to you, which means Presto! You just got more attractive again.
Kidding aside (literal mode is occasionally allowed in instructional situations), more than one girlfriend has answered the "why did you end up with me" question with "I just couldn't figure you out."
Being a little slippery -- aka banter mode, aka lateral mode -- creates uncertainty and novelty. The human mind automatically moves toward novelty and towards resolving uncertainty. Therefore lateral mode is awesome.
5) When you're the one guy in banter mode in a roomful -- or cityful, or countryful! -- of literal-minded dudes, it's like you're the only one in bright Technicolor while the rest are in blah gray scale. You stand out.
This is the essence of successful marketing: distinguishing yourself from your competition and giving people a reason to choose you. Sticking out makes their decision-making process easier. We talk a lot about this in the Tao of Dating, and especially in the How to Work a Room teleseminar where we discuss wearing a 'distinguisher' whenever you go out.
And finally, the most powerful reason why banter mode / lateral mode works for your dating success:
6) Banter mode is the unconscious code for intimacy.
Huh?
Okay, remember when we talked about fun conversations with your friends, and how it's usually when you're goofing off, bantering and having a good ol' lateral time?
Well, guess what -- you generally don't DO that kind of thing with strangers. Because banter mode is reserved for intimate acquaintances. You don't make wisecracks with your boss, the pharmacist, or the auto repair guy.
Which means that when you communicate with someone in banter mode, you are flipping a switch in their brain which says "This is someone I must already know and like." You are going straight under the 'intimate acquaintance' category in their brain, not the 'stranger' category where all the literal-minded people go who ask "So what do you do for a living".
Don't believe me? Well, let me ask you this. Have you ever been to a comedy show or magic show? Let's say the guy made you laugh. Did you feel after the show that you kind of liked the guy -- maybe just a smidge? Did you know the guy at all, other than from his performance? Quod erat demonstrandum.
I'm telling you guys -- banter mode is the secret shortcut to instant, massive rapport. People will like you and they won't know why. Like you means drawn to you, drawn to you means attracted -- ergo, you just became more attractive.
Man, how do you handle it.
For the sake of completeness, I will add that there is one exception to the ineffectiveness of the literal approach, and that is super-earnest mode, or the Casanova mode. Legend has it that Giovanni Casanova's success with women had to do with is tendency to instantly fall in love with women and give himself over to them completely.
So yes, the super-earnest "Omigod you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I will not leave your side until you say yes" approach *can* work.
But it's like going all-in in poker (ie putting all your chips on the line) with every hand, which is a great way to win big sometimes or go bust repeatedly. Like going all-in, it's an approach that should only be used sparingly and with impeccable timing.
So think about lateral mode and how it differs from literal mode. And make a concerted effort to spend more time in lateral mode in your dating-related communications.
The power is within you,
Dr Alex
PS: Can you think of two friends who would also find this article useful? Then send it to them! They'll thank you for it.
PPS: I'm interested in your questions and comments regarding dating, persuasion and networking, so please do send them to me. I can be reached at dra***x@th***.com[ ? ]
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