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Playing at the Third Level: The Importance of Attitude
by Dr. Alex Benzer
of Tao of Dating
February 16th, 2008
Your friendly neighborhood dating guide Dr Alex here. Today we're going to talk about a concept that can tremendously enhance your dating life that doesn't cost a dime and requires almost no additional physical effort.
I've borrowed it from poker, and it's exactly the kind of technique that fits in with the Tao of Dating philosophy: a mental shift that gives you a tremendous edge.
I call it 'playing at the third level.' Allow me to elaborate.
In the Texas Hold 'Em variation of poker, you are dealt two cards, called the hole cards. Most beginning players will start out by just playing their cards. If his cards are strong, he'll play strong. If his cards are weak, he'll play weak or just fold. Pretty straightforward.
When a player starts to get more sophisticated, he realizes that other players are often doing the same thing: playing their cards.
So he starts to play according to the cards that he thinks the other players must have. This gives him a competitive advantage.
But then at the third level of sophistication, the player realizes that other players are wondering what *he* must be holding. And it dawns on him that if he *represents* a hand accurately enough, he can get people to behave as if he really has that hand. This is playing poker according to what the other players think you have.
(This can get a little out of hand, starting to think about 4th and 5th levels. But for the
purposes of our discussion, the 3rd level would suffice).
Now let's take this to the realm of dating. Most guys are going out there with a self-image that is consistent with exactly who they are: their actual height, weight, looks, income level, social aptitude, connections, education, sexual prowess, etc.
Now if you're a tall, handsome, well-connected billionaire, this is all well and good, and you don't need to work hard at representing a different version of you.
But most of us aren't that guy. Now I'm not saying that who you are right now is necessarily inadequate. Rather, I'm wondering how we could present who you are, exactly as you are today, to compel people to behave in ways that bring you more joy and fulfillment in your life.
We're also not saying you should misrepresent yourself, or pad your resume or rent a Ferrari for a date.
What we're saying is, "How can you present the best version of you possible RIGHT NOW?"
This is what we mean when we talk about attitude. Your attitude is the way you carry yourself in the world. It's less about the content of what you say and do and more about the way you do it.
Now, if you're going about your dating life operating at the first level, you're basically hoping that someone somehow finds you appealing exactly the way you are. Although some people think this is sincerity, it's actually a lot closer to laziness and wishful thinking. It doesn't take a lot of initiative to just sit there and wait.
Then you can start operating at the second level. You can think, "Well, she's such and such a girl, therefore she must be after such and such a guy." This is slightly more sophisticated, because now you can limit your pursuit to those women that are more likely to be interested in you. This can save you lots of time and energy, since you don't bother with the ones that you don't believe would be interested.
But can you ever really know that for sure? Do you ever have access to that information? How can you know for a fact that a given women is not interested in you?
Last time I checked, that was called 'prejudice.' And not only is it not a pretty thing, it's also taking away from your opportunity to interact meaningfully with pretty things, and their chance to enjoy your company. Stop that already.
So it's time to operate at the third level. You can do this in poker, because no one really knows what your hole cards are. And therefore you can carry on as if you have a pair of aces -- if you have the right attitude.
And that goes for your dating life as well. Nobody knows the 'hole cards' of your life when you're walking around. You could be anyone, with any level income, power or knowledge.
Regardless of what you do, how much you make or how good you look, you are free to choose your attitude in any situation. This is the 'ultimate freedom' that Viktor Frankl talks about in his masterpiece, "Man's Search for Meaning."
So go ahead and try this next time you're out. Imagine that you are a billionaire. You could buy and sell the bar or club or restaurant you're in ten times over, and still have enough to feed a million kids. How would you walk around? How would you hold yourself? How would you approach a beautiful woman?
The fact is that carrying that attitude -- even though you're partially faking it -- is truly attractive in its own right. It's that sense of authority and power that women are evolutionarily programmed to be drawn to.
In the Tao of Dating ebook, I talk about the 'picky buyer' stance as a way to get your attitude right. You are out there as the selector, not the selectee. And you are picky as can be (in a compassionate way, of course -- no need to go overboard and turn into a flaming jerk).
And the Attitude Supercharger Mindtrack has a guided meditation/hynpotic script portion that takes you through what it's like to really be that guy with the bulletproof attitude.
So if visualizing yourself as the billionaire or rockstar is too taxing, you can have a tool like the Attitude Supercharger do that for you. Or record your own affirmations and listen to them.
The point of this article is this: thoughts are free. Attitudes are free. So why not use the ones that serve you best?
Moreover, when time and time again you do have that powerful attitude (which, incidentally, doesn't require that you say a word about yourself), it tends to seep into your consciousness and become a part of you. And then you won't need any mental tricks to make yourself have that attitude, since you really are that studly guy.
In the meantime, keep in mind that the Tao of Dating is about bringing authenticity and power to your life. So if you feel that you need more income in order to present yourself truthfully as a powerful and compelling man, then by all means do the things that it takes to have more income.
If you feel you need to be in better shape, put yourself on a regular exercise schedule. Need more sexual savvy? Buy some books, go to a class, or just really learn the material in The Tao of Sexual Mastery, another one of the 16 bonuses.
The Tao of Dating is about long-term results for you and those all around you. So if you feel like you need to take a year to put some real muscle, real backup behind your powerful attitude, by all means go for it.
In the meantime, practice the attitude until you are fully congruent. After all, at any point in life, you have no choice to start where you are with what you've got. So there's no need to do any waiting while you're building the even more impressive version of you.
Excellence is a process, not a state, so be excellent at all times. By applying tips like this, one at a time, regularly and diligently, you will be able to look back one day and notice the impressive progress you've made in your dating life.
The power is within you,
Dr Alex
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