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So You Got Dissed: How to Turn Seemingly Adverse Events Into Empowerment
by Dr. Alex Benzer
of Tao of Dating
March 8th, 2008
How are ya. I've got some observations I'd like to share with you.
Recently, I went on a trip to New York City for a conference.
Knowing that my Big Apple friends are mighty busy bees, I wrote them all an email a month before getting there, saying in essence, "I'm coming, would love to see you, prepare the city for my arrival."
Of those to whom I wrote, just over half responded and said they wanted to hang out. Two of them -- friends from college -- were particularly enthusiastic. Primo.
It's been about a week since my return home, so I can tell you what happened. I got to see half of those who responded. And I didn't connect to the two really enthusiastic ones at all. They didn't even return my last phone call to arrange a meeting.
Now, if this had happened a few years ago, I would have been devastated. "I've known these cats for over 15 years, and they won't even show up after they haven't seen me in forever? What's the world coming to?"
The surprising part is that, this time around, it didn't bother me at all. Not a smidge.
What was different?
Well, I was too busy having fun to notice. Or to dwell on it. Or to get caught up in any kind of judgment whatsoever. It just never occurred to me.
Before this becomes some kind of grand exposition on my spiritual development, let's examine the kind of belief structures that made this possible for this formerly sensitive guy. Because it wasn't always this way.
And why do we care? Because if you can get over your buddy of 15 years ditching you in the middle of New York City after you haven't seen him in years, you can certainly handle the cancellation of a date on short notice by a semi-stranger that you had a pleasant 15-minute interaction last weekend at some random loud bar. Right? Right.
So here are the principles:
-- Intention. My stance was that I love these guys, and they love me back. So if something happened, it happened in spite of the fact that they wanted to hang out with me. Events in themselves have no meaning, and we usually have the latitude to pick a positive, negative or neutral interpretation of what happens. The positive one usually makes you feel better, so I recommend you pick that one. That's what I did.
-- Suspension of judgment. I wasn't thinking, "Wow, how very awful of them to do this." I simply assessed the situation at hand ("this time slot that I thought was taken before is now available") and I took action ("now I can go do something else in this vast metropolis.") The Tao says that water doesn't try to topple or break an obstacle when it encounters one; it simply finds a way to go around it. This was facilitated by the fact that...
-- I had options. I had several other friends and social events where I could spend my time, so I picked one of those. This way, I was busy and enjoying myself and simply didn't have the mental space to worry about the missing buddies.
Now you could say, "Well, that's you -- what about us who don't have as many options?" Here's the good news: You ALWAYS have options, especially when you think you don't. This is the essence of the principle of abundance.
Look around, do some research, and you'll find something worth your while, always. Your ability to entertain yourself and have a ball regardless of circumstance is a prime determinant of your success in dating and life. Which brings us to...
-- Be your own best option. Do you dread being alone, or do you know exactly what you would do if you had a few spare hours? Because you can only provide others with good company if you're your own good company first. Realize that although you may *want* company and find it pleasant, you never *need* it. Big difference.
Meditation can get you to that realization. If you're perfectly happy and blissed-out doing nothing, then anything else is just gravy on top.
To apply this to a dating context, this means that even if you don't have any female company available to you, you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you have a better alternative to any female company you *could* have. This means that you have at least one other option when approaching a given woman. (Incidentally, this is part of where your increased dating power comes from when you're already dating one or more women -- you've got options, baby.)
In the Tao of Persuasion course, we talked about this in the context of principled negotiation. This was called the BATNA -- best alternative to a negotiated agreement. Your hidden power in a negotiation comes from your BATNA. Every dating situation is like a negotiation, so make you your most poweful BATNA.
-- Compassion. This goes back to the interpretation thing. When someone 'does you wrong' -- whatever that means -- you have three choices of reactions. 1) You can get mad. Easy. Feels good at first, crappy in long run. 2) You can be indifferent. Hard, unless you are a cabbage. 3) You can feel good about it. Easier than it sounds. And yes, it feels good to feel good.
So how do you feel good about getting dissed? Simple: compassion. If someone 'wronged' you, it could mean that the person had some temporary (or worse, permanent) spiritual issue. So the same way you wouldn't make fun of a sick person, you wouldn't make fun of him. You would send compassion. And compassion feels good. And feeling good empowers you.
So you just turned a seemingly adverse event into empowerment. Neat trick, eh.
When I was younger, I used to hear things like 'turn the other cheek' or 'love thine enemy' and it made no sense to me. How the hell is getting slapped on both cheeks better than getting slapped on one?
But now, looking at stuff like that metaphorically, it makes a lot more sense. Compassion just makes you a more powerful person. Strengthens your immune system, too. Anger jumbles up your nerves, grinds you down and makes you more susceptible to disease. Your pick.
So, as you go through the challenges of dating, remember: suspension of judgment, assumption of positive intent, compassion and abundance consciousness are your weapons. Use them wisely, and may life be your non-stop party.
The power is within you,
Dr Alex
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