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Stop That!: The Science of Why We Do Silly Things
by Dr. Alex Benzer
of Tao of Dating
April 18th, 2008
I was reading a very interesting book review yesterday that I'd like to share with you.
Actually, it was two book reviews in the same article. The first book was mostly about how human beings (that's us) go about making decisions irrationally.
Dan Ariely, a professor at MIT, talks about how human beings are 'predictably irrational.' In fact, that's the title of his book: 'Predictably Irrational: The Hidden Forces that Shape Our Decisions.'
Basically, the idea is that people do silly things -- a lot. You already knew that without being told by a guy with two (two!) PhDs. However, what you may not know is that they do these silly things in a predictable manner.
For example, when kids are given the option to trade in one small piece of chocolate for one huge piece (ten times as big as the small piece) OR to get one more small piece without giving up anything, an overwhelming majority of them take the 'free' small piece.
Huh?
Does that make any sense? Well, not really. Unless you understand that human beings are remarkably loss-averse and will forgo real gain in order to avoid the anxiety of losing anything.
Weird, eh. Now how does this apply to your dating life? I can think of at least two ways.
1) First, let's look at your willingness to approach cute strangers. Rationally, you have everything to gain from going up to a girl and saying 'hi' and absolutely nothing to lose but a few puffs of air, which you usually get back on the next breath.
I mean, she could end up being your friend, lover, girlfriend, wife, whatever -- and that's a pretty good potential trade-off for a few puffs of air. As I describe it in the Tao of Dating (www.thetaoofdating.com/order if you don't have it already), it's like a free lottery ticket: you have nothing to lose, but a potentially huge jackpot to gain.
How many free lottery tickets would you buy if the jackpot were $5 million? As many as possible, of course.
And yet, men do not behave that way in the social realm. In fact, more often than not, guys will stand in the corner with their buddies, terrified of approaching that pretty woman. Even though they've left the house specifically to meet that pretty woman.
One reason is because of the fear of rejection and the anxiety that it promotes -- similar to what the kids must have been experiencing when confronted with the prospect of the chocolate trade.
The other is because of the anxiety of perceived loss. If you don't approach her, she's still potentially attainable (not sure how, but okay); whereas if I approach her and get dinged, that potential has been ruined.
Buddy -- you can't lose what you don’t have. Go for it.
2) Second way this principle is relevant: well, you saw how it can hurt you. Now I’m going to tell you how it can help you.
Let's say you've already chatted up a nice young lady. And you want to make sure that you get her number and have a date later.
Since you know that people are much more likely to take action to avoid loss than they are to take risk for a potential gain, you frame your interaction in a way that NOT going out with you constitutes a loss for her.
How? Here's one way: Talk about cool upcoming events that she could potentially be a part of. If you have common interests -- say, hiking or the opera -- paint a picture with both of you in it.
Use the good ol' time distortion technique (from Chapter 9 of the Tao of Dating) to evoke the actual feelings she would have when she's together with you.
Now by not giving her number, she stands to LOSE something, namely all those fun pictures and enjoyable feelings. Whereas without those pictures and feelings, all she was doing was venturing out into the cold unknown of some total stranger asking her out, which is anxiety-provoking.
Therefore, she is much more likely to stay in touch with you and meet with you again when you use the principle of loss-aversion to your advantage.
The power is within you,
Dr Alex
PS: Can you think of two friends who would also find this article useful? Do them a favor and forward the article to them.
PPS: I'm interested in your questions and comments regarding dating, persuasion and
networking, so please do send them to me. I can be reached at dra***x@th***.com[ ? ]
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