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The Art of Self-Renewal in Dating
by Dr. Alex Benzer
of Tao of Dating
February 12th, 2008
Just a few days before the New Year, I was attending a retreat here in Los Angeles. I had heard great things about the coordinator of this retreat, and was eager to hear her speak.
In the first 5 minutes that she got up on stage, she didn't say anything -- she just walked around, looking at every one of us, and then started to cry. Finally, she spoke: "It's such a privilege to see each of you being born, over and over again, every second, every moment."
And that's when I understood that she had a unique perspective on what was unfolding before her. She did not see us as merely as seminar attendees, sitting still and doing nothing. Rather, she saw the spectacle for what it was: a dynamic process, ever-changing, ever-renewing, that sometimes looks like stasis to the untrained eye.
This reminds me of the metaphor of the river, which I'm fond of repeating in seminars and classes. When people look at a river like the Mississippi, they think, "Oh, there's the river." And if they see it again next week, they say, "Yup, there it is -- same river."
The truth is that if you close your eyes for one second and open them up again, it's not the same river. Every single molecule in that river has moved -- trillions of them. Every fish, every plant, everything is different. Maybe not by much, but different nonetheless.
The fact is that there is no stasis in the world. Something as seemingly fixed as a rock is changing every millisecond, each of its molecules vibrating and moving around. To take this metaphysical principle to a physical extreme, even at absolute zero (-273.15 centigrade), the laws of physics require that molecules be moving somewhat (due to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, for the detail-oriented folk).
So this first of January, the first day of the new year, is taken by many as a starting point for self-renewal. I will make resolutions, they say, and I will be slimmer, suaver, richer, and just plain better this coming year.
There is a certain arbitrariness to this, of course. January 1 was not the first day of the Julian calendar until the 16th century or so. In fact, the very names of the months retain the old order of the months, when the prefixes Sept-, Oct-, Nov- and Dec- referred to the 7th through 10th months of the year. In other cultures, the first day of the year happens in springtime or rotates throughout the seasons because it's based on a lunar calendar.
The point is this: the new year is whenever you make it and whatever you make of it. If it helps that masses of people worldwide share the point of view that from December 31 to January 1, a significant enough shift has occurred to warrant that you change your ways for the better, then more power to you: go out and do it!
At the same time, retain the larger perspective as well: that each moment that you live, you are being renewed. One of the big principles of Taoist thought and mysticism in general is that there is only one time, and it is now. Whatever happened in the past is a story. And whatever happens in the future is also a story.
So the best thing you can do to live your life is to live it now. Your dating life used to got a certain way -- well, that was then. Your career used to be a certain way -- that was then, too. In this moment, this very moment that you are reading these words on a computer screen, there is an opportunity for renewal. And that moment is available to you as long as you live.
The question is, Do you have the courage to grasp that opportunity?
Sometimes it takes a little extra impetus to access some resources and get that change going. So maybe now is a good time to dust off those books and audio courses you were so excited to get but haven't listened to yet. Put them on your calendar, and commit to reading them!
And if you've already read or listened to some good stuff, commit to implementing at least one new, forward-moving principle per week. Put it on your calendar.
The fact is that January 1 is an arbitrary date. If the New Year is a good enough excuse to get moving, then I'm all for it. But you can designate ANY day to be your new year -- and you don't have to wait for January 1 to roll around. So grasp that opportunity, and run with it. The only time is now.
The power is within you,
Dr Alex
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