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The Difference Between True & False Power in Dating
by Dr. Alex Benzer
of Tao of Dating
January 25th, 2008
An idea has been brewing in my head about the difference between true power and false power.
The inspiration for this article comes partially from poker (but you don't have to be a poker player to understand it). In poker, your opponents don't know what cards you hold (in Texas Hold 'Em, these two are called the 'hole cards.') This gives you some latitude to maneuver and misrepresent the hand you have as either better or worse than it actually is.
When you pretend that your hand is better than it actually is, we call it 'bluffing.' Most of you are familiar with that.
Now, bluffing can be a very powerful tool. Especially if you've established a track record of solid play, a well-timed bluff can net you a decent-sized win every once in a while.
Let me emphasize that point: *every once in a while*.
At the highest echelons of poker play, the best players bluff maybe 1 out of 10 times, 1 out of 20 times. That's about the optimal frequency at which the bluffing works.
What if you tried to bluff all the time? Well, sooner or later, people are going to catch on, call your bluff, and make you lose all your money. Moreover, you'll lose all credibility, and they will make your life difficult even when you do have a solid hand.
Now, how does this relate to dating?
Bluffing is analogous to the gimmicks, techniques and tricks. It's the whole host of lines, retorts, canned stories and such that seem to have proliferated in the past few years in books and online. Like bluffing, it's useful to have some of these elements in your repertoire of skills. But as the main show, not only will they not work, but they will also hurt you in the long run. I guarantee it.
Sure, you may be able to get someone's attention, maybe even her phone number, maybe even a date or two with a well-executed series of set-pieces. But, in the end, the magician needs to go home and put away the cape. And then, all that's left is you.
Who are you?
You know better than anyone else that you are not that showman. It's all a big act. So starting a relationship with that act is a big game of pretend. And sooner or later, the fraud will be manifest, to the benefit of none.
This reminds me of Chapter 48 of the Tao Te Ching:
"In pursuit of knowledge, every day something is added.
In the practice of the Tao, every day something is dropped.
Less and less do you need to force things, until finally you arrive at non-action.
When nothing is done, nothing is left undone.
True mastery can be gained by letting things go their own way.
It can't be gained by interfering."
According to the Tao, the process of growth and development as a human is one of pruning, of getting rid of all artifice, all extras, until you arrive at the authentic being -- the 'zhenren.'
Michelangelo used to say that when he sculpted a block of marble, the statue -- whether the Pieta, Moses or David -- was already in there. All he was doing was removing the extra marble.
In a similar way, your zhenren, your authentic self, is already inside you. It's just a matter of getting rid of all the extras and artifice.
Now I've said this before and I'll say this again: this is not the easy way out. It requires long-term discipline and dedication.
But as my yoga teacher used to say, "The hard road leads to the easy life. The easy road leads to the hard life."
So yeah, you could learn a couple of gimmicks. You may even get some girls with them. But that can only lead you to the hard life -- the life of long-term frustration and unfulfillment.
Do you know any guys who get tons of women who are utterly miserable? I do. Trust me, you don't want to be one of them. And, eventually, people won't really want to be around them anymore.
Do you know any guys who have only one (or fewer) women in their lives and are great fun to be around, deliriously happy and incredibly successful? Me, too.
So if authenticity is the ultimate way to success with women, then you should make it your priority to be authentically successful. Instead of fronting like you have the power, the wealth and the status, get on a path such that you *really have* the power, the wealth and the status. This is what The Tao of Dating is all about. Yup, the secret is out: I'm luring you in with the promise of unbounded dating success, when what I really care about is that you take care of your whole life. Because that's the only true solution.
Because just trying to make your dating life better in isolation from the rest of your existence is like trying to get a ripped stomach just by doing sit-ups, or trying to turn a 1985 Hyundai into a hot-rod by dropping a bigger engine into it, beefing up the suspension and sticking a spoiler on the back.
Dude -- it's still a 1985 Hyundai. Go drop some real cash and get yourself a new car. And if you don’t have the cash -- then your work is cut out for you, isn't it.
That's only a metaphor. This article isn't about cars and cash -- it's about authentic power. And bluffing is not the same as authentic power. Being the genuine article is authentic power.
So, the question I want you to ask yourself now, is "What acts am I putting on?" When you have the answer to that, then ask yourself, "Why do I feel compelled to put on that act? What am I compensating for?"
When you have the answer to that, then you know what you have to work on. Then go forth and work on it. Don’t do it for the girls -- do it for you.
The power is within you,
Dr Alex
PS: Can you think of two friends who would also find this article useful? Then send it to them! They'll thank you for it.
PPS: I'm interested in your questions and comments regarding dating, persuasion and networking, so please do send them to me. I can be reached at dra***x@th***.com[ ? ]
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