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THE IMPORTANCE OF LEADERSHIP, PART XIV +
by Dr. Alex Benzer
of Tao of Dating
November 16th, 2007
I've been thinking about what kind of things to teach you guys.
One thing that came up a couple of times in the past two days was this particular drill from the Transformation Weekend seminar. Namely, the Lead & Follow drill.
At the same time, I recently finished reading this epic novel about India called "Midnight's Children", and that got me thinking, too.
Now, I don't want to give away too much of what the drill is and what people get out of it—especially for those of you who are planning on coming to the Meet & Greet.
Back to Lead & Follow. Now, in the Tao of Dating for men, I mention over and over again that the main quality you want to cultivate in yourself as a man who's successful with women is LEADERSHIP. The ability and willingness to direct action.
After discussing "Midnight's Children" with an old friend, it dawned on me why this is important.
It's called 'context.'
See, back in the old days in India (and even in the present day, to a large extent), the context in which men and women relate to one another was fairly well-established.
Basically, single men and women didn't mingle that much. Upper-class women of marrying age were kept out of public sight. And when marriage time came, the man (or his family) asked the parents for the daughter's hand. No premarital fooling around. No first or second date. No cohabitation test period. Pretty straightforward.
In Western society, especially in the US, it's not quite so straightforward. Women and men freely mingle in school. Women educate themselves and participate in the workplace just like men and have a degree of financial independence.
Traditional gender roles from the past—one hunts, literally and metaphorically, and the other gathers and takes care of the kids—have been jumbled up. And there is no discernible, agreed-upon context for male-female courtship anymore.
So every once in a while, you get a toxic screed like 'The Rules' coming out which attempts to create that context, but instead results in the divorce of its authors.
I guess that only worked so well.
This is why it's so important for you, as the man, to CREATE the context.
You, man. She, woman.
Before you break into your best Tarzan imitation, we're not talking about going back to the Stone Age here. We're talking about how to create a dating context in which both parties feel valued and derive enrichment from the process.
Also, it's a context in which both parties know what's going to happen. This creates trust, reduces anxiety, and allows the whole enterprise to move forward smoothly.
The context that you are creating is the one in which you are a man who is romantically interested in her. And as the man, your job is to LEAD.
This means that you take on the risk of rejection and approach her. You get her number. You ask her out.
You make the plans for the evening (with some flexibility for both of your preferences, but still—you make all the plans. Clear?)
You pick her up if possible. You ensure her safety and comfort for the evening.
If you invited her, you offer to pay for stuff. You move things forward in the intimacy department—leading but not in an overbearing way. You follow up after the date.
And you do it all with charm, grace and suaveness, such that every moment you spend with her, you are guiding her into the openness of loving and bringing her closer to her goddess essence.
Now that may seem like a lot of work to you. And for those of you who don't want to perpetuate your genes to the next generation, that's fine. You can opt out.
But if you do actually want to get together with women, that's the master plan. Lead, lead, lead. And then lead some more.
More then once when I talk about this kind of thing (and maybe you have, too), I get fierce opposition from highly educated career women saying that I'm trying to send male-female relationships back into the dark ages.
I just ask them which they would find more appealing: Guy #1 who asks you out, takes charge, makes the reservations and takes good care of you for an evening; OR Guy #2 who waffles, asks, "Well, what do YOU want to do?", can't make up his mind, treats you like a buddy, and lets you make all the decisions while he comes along for the ride?
So far, 100% of women that I've spoken to prefer Guy #1 (also known as a Man). Not one, not even the hard-driving lawyer lady who made the dark ages accusation, wanted Guy #2 (also known as Variation on Theme of Boy). In fact, she later admitted that she just divorced her husband because he was wishy-washy like Guy #2. Funny that.
So we have a new definition of leader: the leader is he who provides the context of the interaction (called 'frame-setting' in NLP). He who sets the frame, controls it.
In the Tao of Dating, I talk a little more about frame-setting and leadership. Especially in the context of being the Man and being the Picky Buyer. If you already have The Tao of Dating, go back and re-read that section now. It starts on p56, in 'Chapter 8: Attract.'
That's all for now. I'm interested in your questions and stories relating to dating.
The power is within you,
Dr Alex
PS: In case you're still wondering—the one word is LEAD. But you already k
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