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THE 'MARRIAGE SHIFT' IN LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS
by Dr. Alex Benzer
of Tao of Dating
October 7th, 2007
I want to share this unsolicited letter with you, first of all because it was quite moving. I'm often not apprised of the downstream effects of my work, so it's a huge shot in the arm when I hear you guys are doing even better as a result.
*****LETTER FROM A STUDENT*****
"Just wanted to thank you for your undying generosity in providing information to us guys on how to live better, more spiritually wealthy lives. When I compare myself today to who I was a year ago, I see an amazing difference in how I interact with people and where I get my fulfillment from.
I'm an alumni from last year's seminar on dating, and I never took the time to thank you for the awesome experience. Unfortunately, I won't be able to attend your upcoming seminar due to calendar conflicts, but I'm looking forward to more in the future, (hopefully, later this year... c'mon, man).
A good friend of mine recently supplied me with a whole bunch of audio and video material from [other sources --names deleted] etc, etc. And I definitely took a serious look at all of it, and gained some great insights. However, I must say, that after all that, I find your presentation to be the most intelligent, based in sound ancient wisdom, with the highest integrity. And I model the newsletters for my own personal training business on the e-mails I receive from you.
And again, I must say, not to compare you with anyone else, but your teaching style is far superior to any of the above mentioned guys. I love the term you use: seduction nerds. I know more than a few. They marvel at the fact that I don't have a "system" for picking up girls. I just flow.
QUESTION: Do you believe that both parties of a relationship must first have self-love in order to function healthily without attachment and dependency?
Wishing you continuing growth and freedom,"
--Cory C., San Francisco, CA
**********************************
Dang, man. One of these is enough to make me cry *and* keep me going for another year. Thanks and thanks again for the positive feedback and kind words.
To answer your question:
The self-love question is essential. Let's talk about the 'self-concept'. Basically, our self-concept encompasses all our beliefs and judgments about ourselves. The self-concept attempts to satisfy two motives simultaneously: self-enhancement and self-consistency.
Generally, people like things that give them self-enhancement (e.g. compliments). However, if you don't like yourself, then the self-enhancement runs into the self-consistency requirement (e.g. "Why does he like me when I'm clearly not deserving").
In the beginning of a relationship, the self-enhancement motive is dominant. But as a relationship becomes longer term, the self-consistency motive starts to dominate, and
what you get is the partner with low self-esteem thinking that the other partner is insincere, lying and just buttering her (or him) up.
And then she breaks up with you. Basically because you were being a sincere, genuine, complimentary kinda guy. (This also explains why some women gravitate again and again towards jerks -- because the jerk is fulfilling her self-consistency requirement *exactly*. Rather unfortunate.)
This is so prevalent, it even has a name -- 'the marriage shift'. At the beginning, things are hunky-dory, but then it all goes to pot.
(Note: You've probably figured out that you don't need to get married to experience the marriage shift.)
So, short answer: healthy self-esteem, or self-love, is key to successful long-term relationships.
Is there something you can do about this? Well, yes and no.
Yes, in the sense that you can pick from the outset someone who already has healthy self-esteem. That way the marriage shift problem doesn't have a chance to come up.
It's *possible* for a person, through sheer force of positive reinforcement and relentless love from a partner, so shift her (or his) self-concept to accommodate that love. Possible, but not probable.
Which brings me to one of my favorite sayings in all of dating and relationships (and many other areas of life): "Those who are skillful persuade. Experts sort."
What am I talking about here?
The idea is that a lot of the art of relationship comes down to sorting for the right person. And when you get really, really good at that, you can sort, or select, for what you're looking from the smallest of indicators.
Most men are experts at sorting based on appearance: hair color, physique, complexion, gait, dancing ability, etc. etc. One look and you know exactly whether a relationship can even start with a given woman, and if it does, how long it will last.
Some guys make the mistake of going for someone who isn't their type, and then a few months down the road grudgingly admit to themselves that maybe it wasn't such a good idea after all.
There's a basis for this in the Tao. Finding the person who's already right for you is the path of least resistance. Chances are better that things will just flow with this person. Trying to 'fix' someone so she (or he) is right for you is like swimming upstream -- against the Tao.
But what about intangible (or less tangible) things? Like self-esteem, kindness, extroversion, adventurousness? How do you evaluate those, my friend?
Well, you're surprisingly good at those, too. You just don't know it yet. In fact, qualities like kindness in a mate are so essential to survival that evolution has kindness-detectors built into your brain. Really.
Most of the time, all you have to do is listen to your intuition when it says "Dude -- she just treated the waitstaff poorly. Danger Will Robinson!"
But enough teasing. We're dealing with self-esteem in this article, so let's talk about that. Here are some ways you can detect whether a woman has decent self-esteem *before* you dive into a serious relationship with her:
1) Give her a compliment -- a genuine one preferably. How does she respond? Many people tend to be self-effacing when complimented, which is normal. But does she go out of her way to deflect the compliment and deflate herself? If so, beware. On the other hand if she says "Thank you" with a smile, or just simply returns the compliment, it's a good sign.
2) How does she treat other people? She may be treating you nicely, because we usually put our best foot forward at the outset of a relationship. But how about the rest of the world? Generally people treat others with the same degree of respect they have for themselves (think about that one for a sec). So if she's mean to others, treats others like dirt and is generally unreasonable and demanding, chances are she thinks that's the kind of treatment she deserves herself as well. Be very, very wary of such a companion.
3) Is her speech mostly positive or negative? Is the glass half full or half empty? Are her days a litany of disaster and conspiracy against her happiness? Is she inordinately fond of words like can't, won't, didn't, isn't going to, shouldn't, etc etc? Once again, we tend to see the world not as it is but as we are. Beware.
In the absence of extended contact, these three clues should keep you in good stead. That's the kind of teaching I like to conduct in all my seminars: tools you can use IMMEDIATELY to enhance your fulfillment and success in life.
The power is within you,
Dr Alex
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