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UNEXPECTED LESSONS FROM A FANCY PARTY +
by Dr. Alex Benzer
of Tao of Dating
November 12th, 2007
I was at this big ol' party in Hollywood this weekend, and I've got some stories to tell ya.
A few weeks ago, I had signed up for this big ol' charity event involving lots of restaurants and wineries—"LA's best restaurants and some of the best wineries of the world" was the billing.
Figured this is the kind of place where quality people show up. And besides, how can I go wrong with the all-you-can eat treats? This is going to be fantastic! I canvassed a couple of more friends to join me.
Which brings us to Lesson #1: Satisfaction = Reality - Expectation. If you set your expectations at zero, you're in good shape. Anything above that has potential for said Expectation not being met by Reality and your meeting with Disappointment, Expectation's uglier (and seemingly ubiquitous) cousin.
In the dating realm, it will go something like this: "Wow, that girl is so insanely hot! She's mad cool! If I get a date with her, everything will change! All my problems will be solved, all my friends will look up to me, and I'll be getting crazy play!"
Your unconscious may not articulate those thoughts quite so eloquently as I just did, but basically, most guys, given the choice between looking at a given woman Realistically vs looking at her with Outrageous, Inflated, Fully Unjustified eXpectation (OIFUX) will take the latter course.
This sabotages you in many ways. It immediately puts you in the Needy Zone, as opposed to the Picky Buyer Zone, as you try to make her like you—even when you know zilcho about her. This, of course does not win you her respect and gets you nowhere.
A wise man once said, "Show me a beautiful woman, and I'll show you a guy who's sick of her crap."
Some time ago I was at a party with some friends where a girl I used to date showed up. This gal's rather unreasonably beautiful, and it was amazing how a circle of admiring men instantly formed around her. And all she wanted to do was get away from these droolers as quickly as possible.
Promise me this: you won't be one of those guys.
It was funny to see how these guys were so blinded by her prettiness that they just couldn't take a step back and think, "Hmm, is this *really* what I want?"
Even if your goal is merely to have a meaningful, sweaty but brief interaction with her, that's the wrong approach. Unjustified overenthusiasm is cause for mistrust. Mistrust will not get you where you want to get.
And last, setting your expectation meter too high makes you Hungry. And the Hungry do not get fed.
Let's talk about hungry. So I get there early, because the party's only 3 hours long, and I want to get the most out of my money, right? I even skip lunch so I've got extra room for the goodies.
I got there at 7.15. At 8pm, I could not eat another bite. In fact, the smell and sight of food nauseated me at this point.
This brings us to Lesson #2: The hungry usually do not get fed. And when they do get fed, they invariably screw things up.
The Tao Te Ching is all about the middle path. In all things moderation—even moderation.
So if you have a way to get yourself in a mellow, energized mood before you go out and meet people, do that. I've developed tools for doing just that in my How to Work A Room course, if you're looking for a pre-existing solution.
I remember when I was first starting to figure out the whole dating thing, there were these friends who were learning all these tricks and funny ways of talking and whatnot to get girls. And sometimes, much to their chagrin, they would succeed, after which they had no idea what to do.
Reminds me of when I used to play the videogame DOOM in the med school computer lab. One day, someone taught me some of the cheat codes, so I could get whatever weapon I wanted.
Of course, I would immediately load up with the rocket launcher. Awww yeah, baby. Problem was, if you used the rocket launcher (instead of, say, a gun) to blow up a monster that was too close to you, YOU BLEW UP, TOO.
Ah, cheat codes. Funny how shortcuts can be self-defeating sometimes.
Needless to say, some of these friends of mine would get in to relationships that would blow up spectacularly in a short period of time and cause them more grief than Gandhi's funeral (and that was a lot of grief).
Anyway, back to story. So now that I've taken care of the very bottom level of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs—namely, food and sustenance—I can move on to scoping out who's there.
Which brings us to Lesson #3: To get to the higher levels of Maslow's Pyramid, you need to take care of the lower levels first. Or: I won't be able to be very charming with the babes when I need food in my tummy—assuming that I notice them at all.
Whether you believe in it or not, Abraham Maslow's famous pyramid is a useful shorthand for what drives us. In order of priority, your needs are Physiological, Safety, Love/Belonging, Esteem, and Self-Actualization.
So if you don’t have a job and your shelter is unstable, trying to go out and date successfully ain't gonna work. And if you're hungry, you won't even notice the women at the party until that's taken care of. (And if you need to take a leak, then you'll forget that you're hungry, but that's a different topic).
Okay. So now I'm actually walking around with my buddy, surveying the scene. He starts to complain that he doesn't find any women who interest him, and basically calls the event a dud and decides to leave early.
On our way out, not one but *two* parties of rather nice young ladies approach us for one reason or another (they recognized one of the guys in our party). My buddy has already mentally checked out of the event, so nothing comes of it.
Bringing us to Lesson #4: Your openness to possibility determines the amount of opportunity that appears in your life. When you shut down, so does opportunity. Stay awake, look around, stay positive—or at least neutral.
As I've demonstrated again and again in my live events, your beliefs filter your reality and determine your range of motion in a very tangible way. So work on those beliefs from the "Tao of Dating", and always pick ones that give you more freedom, more options, more choice.
So, to summarize:
1) Suspend expectation indefinitely—it's just another form of judgment, only imposed on the future instead of the present. Anchor yourself in the now. See the world as it is, not as it should be. Be the picky buyer. Evaluate before proceeding to drool.
2) The hungry don't get fed, and when they do get fed, they screw stuff up.
3) First things first. Your career and your place in the world is the prime determinant of your dating success. Technique alone ain't gonna cut it.
4) Stay open and attentive. Hire an overseas firm and outsource your worrying, negative beliefs and whining to them.
That's all for now. Send your dating questions and comments, 'cause I want to hear about them.
The power is within you,
Dr Alex
www.thetaoofdating.com
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