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What is Real Dating Fulfillment for You? Short-Term VS Long-Term Attachment
by Dr. Alex Benzer
of Tao of Dating
February 26th, 2008
I got this letter recently, and it brought up some issues that a lot of you will find relevant.
LETTER FROM READER
*************************
Hello Dr Alex,
I've recently purchased your eBook and am making solid progress through it. I am also enjoying your related audio and the belief supercharger mindtrack.
I've got an issue and I'd value any comments you may have.
I've been in a relationship with a girl for the last 15 months. As I was finishing a past relationship when we first met, I communicated to her that I wasn't keen on jumping straight into another. We've been seeing each other on a casual basis and it's just happened to go on for such a long time. It's no real surprise how it panned out as I didn't have any real idea or plan on to where take things with this girl from the beginning.
It's reached a stage where I feel I need to decide to take the next step with this girl or end things. I figured that if after 15 months I cannot see us 'taking the next step' together (moving in, for example) then I should stop spending time with 'Mrs. Right for now' and start looking for a 'Mrs Right'.
During one of your teleseminars you talked about an inner void some men have that they try to fill with women and how they are unsettled when not in a relationship.
The 'old me' could really relate to this as I do feel much more comfortable in a relationship and enjoy the convenience it gives. Having said that, I feel I've matured a great deal over the past few years and am becoming more content just 'being me' (be single or otherwise).
The main thing I'm trying to figure out is if it's HER (that is, I need to meet someone else who will truly set my heart on fire) or if it's ME (I have some issues relating to commitment, that I won't be happy with ANY girl or some other inner issue).
When trying to work this out I decided to list the qualities I would like in a partner. She has pretty much ticked them all. I'm not so sure how clever using logic to solve an emotional problem is but I figured the exercise couldn't hurt.
I've also asked some friends who have recently become engaged how they 'knew she was the one' and the only real answer I've been able to get is 'you just know'. In my past relationships it's never been a solid yes or solid no, it's usually more of a 'I'm not sure, so I'll just coast along and see what happens' (I was the type of kid who used to read Choose Your Own Adventure novels with about 7 fingers in the pages bookmarked just in case a particular path I chose was unfavorable).
At 29 years of age I've had about four or five serious relationships lasting longer than a year and I'm starting to notice a pattern. At around the 1.5 year mark I usually lose interest, the girl detects this, gets upset and the relationship slowly fizzles out. Very similar to what is happening now, although I'm trying to be more proactive about it this time.
Regards,
David.
Melbourne, Australia.
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David --
Very interesting. Thanks for sharing. Your letter brings up a very relevant set of issues.
First off: Scientists have shown that on average, the length of the attraction/infatuation phase of a relationship when you're really into someone is 18 months. Sounds like your 15 months/1.5yrs. After that, the relationship either moves into the more settled but less intense 'long-term attachment' mode, or it founders.
So, to you and all the guys (and girls) out there who are reading: if you used to be really into someone, and 18 months or so later, the interest has waned significantly, now you know what's going on.
You're not a freak. You're not an insensitive bastard. It mostly has to do with the way you're built.
Now the thing to remember is that this happens to pretty much everyone. That initial, lovey-dovey feeling will go away. Reams and volumes of books and poems have been written about this, yet when someone is in the grips of that whole "I'm in love" feeling, they think it's going to last forever.
When it does end, you have a choice. You can go hunting around for the next 1.5yr fix, or you can go into the next phase of the relationship, which is long-term attachment.
This is a very different chemical brew than the 'in love' phase of the relationship. It's something more settled, less thrilling yet deeper.
The question is, Do you want that now?
It all depends on where you're at. If you feel it's time for you to find one person to engage and marry, then that's what you need. If not, then no woman will fit the bill, no matter how 'flawless' she is.
For some men, 29 is about the right age. For others, 59 is still the wrong age. For you, David, it seems as if you need a more diverse set of experiences before you can make an informed decision, so by all means go for that. You won't be doing yourself or the woman you're with any favors if you go against where you are and how you feel right now, no matter what 'logic' dictates.
This reminds me of the whole 'three chakra' paradigm of connection.
Head, heart and groin. Mind, spirit and body.
I've said that you need at least two points of connection, one of which needs to be the body/groin chakra, for an intimate relationship to last at all. Where there is no fire, there is no heat.
And for a relationship that's truly lasting, you absolutely, definitely want all three. This is not the time for compromise, my friends.
If you somehow have to 'logic' someone into being right for you by checking off some list, chances are that all three connections are not there. A good idea would be to go out and expand your options.
This is also a good time to remind you that the whole finding 'the one' mentality is a form of poverty-consciousness. There is no 'Ms Right.' There are many, many Ms Rights out there, all of whom are Ms Right in their own special, imperfect way.
I've always maintained that the appearance of Ms Right is less a matter of meeting the right person than it is of it being the right time for you.
Human beings are dynamic, imperfect creatures. So whoever Ms Right is, there will be a dynamic process of your molding to her and vice versa until you have a reasonable fit. No one if 'perfect' for you.
Some partners will start out as a better fit and require only so much molding -- like a suit that fits perfectly except for some minor alterations. Those partners are much more likely to end up with you long-term than the ones that require wholesale adjustment of your personality and habits.
So it's still very important to have someone who starts out as a reasonable fit. But it's even more important to know who you are and what you want right now.
If you're still in 'play' mode, don't torture yourself and your companions by trying to be some commitment-minded guy that you're not. You ain't doing them or yourself any favors. Make your peace with the fact that you would still like to explore the possibilities some more, and make that clear to your partners. It's the only sensible thing to do.
On the other hand, if you're a one guy-one girl kinda person, that's totally cool, too. Don’t try to shoehorn yourself into being some sort of ladies' man because you read about it in some book or saw some TV show. Make your peace with who you are, and seek out your fulfillment.
In the end, the Tao is about acknowledging the world as it is, right now, and working with it, not against it. So figure out who you are, right now. And start where you are. There is no other choice. Chapter 29 of the Tao Te Ching reads:
Do you want to improve the world?
I don't think it can be done.
The world is sacred.
It can't be improved.
If you tamper with it, you'll ruin it.
If you treat it like an object, you'll lose it.
There is a time for being ahead,
a time for being behind;
a time for being in motion,
a time for being at rest;
a time for being vigorous,
a time for being exhausted;
a time for being safe,
a time for being in danger.
The Master sees things as they are,
without trying to control them.
She lets them go their own way,
and resides at the center of the circle.
When you're able to see the world from this vantage point, you can empower your whole life in a new way, especially in the area of relationships and dating.
The power is within you,
Dr Alex
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