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Don't Let Her Set the Tone
by Jay Valens
of The Art of the Pickup
November 30th, 2006
Common thinking has us believe that the more we cater to what a woman wants, the more likely she will appreciate us and want to be with us…
But there is a difference between knowing what will create attraction in a woman and doing THAT versus just catering to what she asks for or what you THINK she wants with no understanding of the actual correlation between doing that and getting you closer to your goal (except having a hope it will help).
Anyway, the point is by catering to what a woman wants, any more than the bare minimum, you allow her to set the tone which means she will feel like she is the one in control of the interactions and she will see that as the ongoing course of the “relationship”.
That’s NOT good.
If that’s what she perceives, then she will presume it will remain this way with you always and this is not attractive to her.
She may be receptive to it initially as she gets to know you, especially if you did a good enough job of getting her interest in the first place, but over time it will wear on her unconsciously and she will lose that initial attraction.
Do NOT make the mistake of believing that initial receptivity to such behavior will equal long-term interest. You can only presume such receptivity is productive to your goals if your actions are those of leading (being the lead, the one in charge, the one setting the tone) rather than catering (being reactive to her leads, allowing her to set the tone).
Now, keep in mind what I meant when I wrote “bare minimum” does not mean to always do things the opposite of what she wants or somehow antagonize her or try to be bossy or controlling. What I mean is you must almost always be the one who is leading the situation, or at least not leave doubt in her mind as to who is leading the interactions, even if ultimately you are doing what she wants to do at least half the time, if not more.
Sometimes you CAN let her feel like she’s the one taking charge - but here is the trick to that: Provide her that allowance for the times when she is doing something FOR you so that her perception will be that she is the one pursuing you, versus the other way around, and this will be always-present in her thoughts. This way, whenever she IS the one “in charge”, it’s for times when she is doing something for you.
You are the man and the decision maker.
You make the plans and make things happen.
You deal with the dynamics of any situation and able to maintain a cool head and navigate rough waters.
These are all the attractive values she REALLY seeks and they must be ever-present from you.
I hate to burst any of your bubbles but this is NOT a choice for you as a man, it is a requirement.
Some women will respond to heavy doses of this (literal domination) but for most women that’s unnecessary overkill and more likely to cause disdain early on unless you pick up from her that she is really into it. So, just stick to a reasonable and consistent level of being the one running the show.
Not every outcome to every situation will be positive or pleasant but if she can see that you are at the very least leading things through and taking the lead role then it’s all good. Remember, that is a big key to this -- to realize that sometimes bad things will happen but so long as you display a cool head and an ability to at least take charge when necessary, that is what matters.
So, to recap, I’ve explained why allowing a woman to set the tone is not a good thing most of the time and why it’s important for you to be the one setting the tone. She will appreciate you for it more than you know and reward you more readily in the long term.
So, if you find yourself hesitating about this then just realize it’s not up for debate any more than rowing a boat upstream or sailing against the wind. That’s why we’ve created a special DVD called “How to Row Boats Downstream”. HAHA just kidding, but unless you’ve been living under a rock you know that we’ve got the wind at your back with The Art of the Pickup».
Ships Ahoy!
Jay Valens
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