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Give To Receive
by Jay Valens
of The Art of the Pickup
May 17th, 2007
I wonder if you’ve experienced this before…
You are talking to a girl or group of people from which there is a woman you are interested in and your thoughts race on with things like “Oh, they don’t like me” or “She doesn’t like me” or “I’m not good looking” or “They are thinking I am stupid, ugly, annoying, or weird”. Maybe these thoughts pop in your head a lot?
The focus of these thoughts is partly an issue with self-esteem, lack of experience, and anxiety or insecurity. The driving force for those thoughts, and the balance of why they might pop into your thoughts when interacting, is because at that moment you have a focus of desire of wanting to GET something from someone else or other people. The things you want to get are: validation, being liked, being accepted, being included, being desired, being appreciated. The difficulty with this kind of thinking is two-fold:
First, it’s focused on wanting things from others before it is clear at all to other people whether they might even get the same thing from you, or that you want something from them which you haven’t displayed a reason for them to give or that you are there to “take” and not “give”.
Second, the people and women you talk to might very well be thinking the same thing. The same thoughts might be in their heads: “Oh, they don’t like me” or “He doesn’t like me” or “I’m not good looking” or “They are thinking I am stupid, ugly, annoying, or weird”. And, of course, this comes from the same source of wanting to GET something from another person before genuinely accepting, trusting, or showing outward interest or appreciation of the other person: wanting validation, being liked, being accepted, being included, being desired, being appreciated.
So here you have 2 people, both wanting to GET before ever giving anything. It seems like a stalemate, right?
Presuming that most people are willing to meet others and have an interest in other people (which, actually, is true whether you want to believe it or not) here are 2 ways to solve this “stalemate”:
1. Display a lot of outward value (of a greater value than what they might already have) and put them in the role of needing your attention, of chasing you, for the sake of that outward value.
2. Realize that you have inner value which you can share, that is limitless and endless, and be willing to be the first to “give”.
Both methods are perfectly productive, and in fact the first one is of the type you might find as advice given when you are learning the process of meeting women. That would be in the realm of either “fake it ‘til you make it” or literally improving yourself all the time in order to actually increase your “value” as a person.
We already cover this in different ways in the newsletters and “The Art of the Pickup»” DVDs, so I want to focus today on the other “method”, which you can start today.
There is nothing specific to learn about it, no word-for-word memorization, no routine, and certainly no major investment other than to open yourself up to realizing other people might very well be feeling similar things that you are feeling and to “give” them initially what you might want to receive in order to get things flowing.
So how do you know WHAT to give and HOW to give it? Actually, it’s pretty easy and doesn’t involve me telling you anything specific.
It’s as easy as just
1. Being aware of your own thoughts and what you’re seeking (not ultimate goal but the immediate response)
2. Connecting what you want as an immediate response and how that relates to a core desire like wanting to be accepted, liked, appreciated, etc.
3. Realizing these are pretty much the same thoughts the other person, likely the woman you are talking to, also wants (to be accepted, liked, appreciated, etc)
4. Letting go of your own desire.
5. Making the other person feel like they are receiving what they want from you.
This will open the door to them also being able to let go of what they want (because they got it) and start giving you the stuff that you wanted.
Now, keep in mind this does NOT mean smothering the person with affection or piling on compliments, and COULD be as simple as a genuine smile and comment in regards that you noticed something positive about them.
Really, imagine yourself in those situations where you felt the kind of anxiety of needing a certain validation and the person you wanted to talk to paused, smiled, and told you something positive about yourself. Wouldn’t opening up to them become a lot easier? Form such a small thing, wouldn’t you feel much more confident when talking to that person?
It’s the same sort of way they will react, too. If you can keep this in mind, and be aware of just this ONE kind of thinking, it can open a lot more doors for you than you may have already been experiencing. Maybe even be the thing that opens doors for you if you’ve been feeling a lack of success or inability so far to move forward with others.
I know, it’s not an easy thing to do at first, and SOME people will react weirdly or reject such things from others, but that’s THEIR problem and not yours. You can also realize, if you do run into such reactions, that you’ve not given anything up except a moment of your time and a piece of your limitless reserve of inner value.
And, it’s OK because you should genuinely not expect anything in return or even display that you expect anything in return. Be willing to do this small thing and more doors will open up.
You’re on your way.
I really enjoy knowing you’re going to be more successful, and you deserve it.
Jay Valens
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