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Leading a Woman from A to Z
by Ray Devans
of The Art of the Pickup
July 20th, 2006
OK, before we jump in here, for anyone who is in doubt about the title, “A” means “Meeting” and “Z” means “Sex”.
Now that we’ve cleared up that bit of complex algebra, you might want to ask yourself now, “Do I consciously lead women from the moment I meet them until the moment I have sex with them?”
If you are like most guys, your answer is a sort of dubiously stated “Uh, yeah, sometimes… I guess… well, if she likes me…”
Fact is, in this day and age, few guys know how to actually lead women, whether we are talking about dancing or getting into the bedroom.
Don’t worry, because half the battle is just knowing that you probably don’t focus enough on leading women, and resolving now to simply be aware of whether you are or not is going to really make a difference.
From now on, you should periodically be asking yourself when you are with a woman “Have I been doing enough to lead her?”
One way to stress the importance of leading is by counter example. Ask yourself how attracted you would be to a woman who acted sort of manly and always decided where you would go, who insisted on driving everywhere, who pulled out the chair for you to sit down at a restaurant, etc.
It’s funny because you might be thinking that this wouldn’t be so bad, but I had a friend who had these *exact* things happen to him in college, and he said that when the girl drove him up to see the city lights and rolled out a blanket, after all these other things he just didn’t feel attracted to her.
He was really embarrassed to tell us about the date afterwards, and he probably shouldn’t have because we teased the hell out of him for it.
Women who meet men who don’t lead feel turned off in the same way that my friend felt turned off by the woman who tried to caveman his ass.
Regardless of how you feel about the above scenario, the fact is there is sort of a natural order to male-female interactions that has been dictated by evolution, and it says that men should generally be more dominant than women, they should lead and take the initiative.
Any behavior by men which was contrary to this over the eons of our evolution allowed other more dominant men to get the women of those unassertive/submissive, and the unassertive/submissive men just didn’t have as many children.
Women unconsciously want men who will have many children (due to their evolutionary drives) and so they developed attraction for dominant men, and repulsion for less dominant men.
OK, so lets accept for a moment that there are societal and evolutional reasons needed to lead a woman. The fact is, in my experience, they just don’t lead themselves into sex. Knowing this, let’s examine a few guidelines you should follow in order to lead a woman from A to Z.
1. Lead her to be attracted to you from the very beginning.
This is something that sounds obvious on the face of it, but many men just meet a woman and talk about random things which don’t spark attraction in the woman. Basketball, weather, their jobs, etc. They “hope” the woman will be attracted to them already because of their looks or status, and they “hope” it will be enough. And worse, they don’t purposely demonstrate any attractive qualities either, which is even MORE important than WHAT they talk about.
What they don’t realize is that they are being evaluated on their confidence, personality, and overall vibe. Attractive behavior is an art that is covered further in “The Art of the Pickup»” DVDs, but simply knowing that this should be your first goal is a step in the right direction if you haven’t had a chance to get the DVDs yet.
2. Lead her to be comfortable with you and to trust you.
After you are relatively confident that she is attracted to you, you need to lead her to feel comfortable with you, and to feel that she can trust you to take care of her when and if she gets to be alone with her.
Some tools at your disposal here are your sense of humor, admitting some small fault of yours (its OK to do once you know she is attracted to you), telling her stories about yourself, asking her questions about herself, having her see you around friends and relatives (even if only through pictures).
OK, now that you have these two things understood, the next general rule to follow (assuming you don’t violate the first two rules) is:
3. Always lead her toward increasing isolation with you.
Stated simply, once you have her attracted and comfortable with you, you should gradually be trying to get alone with her.
Sounds simple, right? But average guys constantly violate this rule, even if they manage to have a woman attracted to them and comfortable with them.
I know plenty of guys who meet a woman in a bookstore, invite them out to dinner date, then a movie date, then to a club after the movie.
NO, NO, NO!
See how this is reverse isolation?
The bookstore might have 20 people in it, the restaurant might have 50 people, the theatre might have 200 people, and the club could have 500 people in it.
In each case, the number of potential distractions increases, and taking her to a club is just asking for trouble for the average guy because experts like the guys in “The Art of the Pickup»” are just lurking there to steal her away from her.
You want her full attention focused on increasing the attraction and trust that she has for you, so that she can go to the one-on-one isolation generally necessary for sex.
Of course, if it’s necessary to go in reverse isolation in order to attain goals 1 and 2, then do so.
For example, if you meet her passing on the street as she is window-shopping and there is almost nobody around, then you could lead her directly to a coffee shop around the corner so that you can continue the attraction and comfort process. Or it could be OK to invite her to an activity you will be doing with your friends to show that you are a trustworthy guy with friends, but it would be smart to have the friends conveniently have other things to do after a few hours.
Remember:
ISOLATION, ISOLATION, ISOLATION.
4. Always have logistics in mind.
OK, part of leading a woman to sex is knowing all the things that could interfere with trying to have sex, and all the things that can help it along.
Simple case in point, lots of guys don’t carry a condom in their wallet. Some are afraid to get caught with it. But most American women wont have sex without a condom, and few of them will carry one themselves, so if the moment gets passionate in the car, the park, on a hike, or wherever, you aren’t having sex then.
Often times not having sex after she has gotten aroused can get her second guessing herself, and you may never have sex with her.
Or lets say you went on a hike, had a condom in your wallet, but didn’t bring a blanket in your car. Fantasies aside, most women don’t want to have sex on the bare ground, get their clothes all dirty and get sticks poking their legs and bugs biting their butts.
You weren’t prepared, and you aren’t getting any.
Another mistake is simply not knowing where sex will happen in advance. If you know she lives at home, then your place or a hotel are the most likely options. In this case, a corollary of rule 3 applies:
3a. Isolate towards the sex location.
That is to say, if your date goes from coffee to a bar to taking a walk together, then the bar should be closer to your place than the coffee shop, and the walk should conveniently be passing right by your neighborhood! But if I could get a nickel from you for every guy who does the opposite, you would owe me a lot of nickels.
Finally, we need to look at what to do when you are at the place for having sex.
5. Take small but deliberate, seductive steps towards sex.
This is most important when isolated, though it can be on your mind at all times from beginning to end. But once isolated, you really have to start heating her up slowly and leading her little by little.
From the moment she steps in your door, you might tell her that she needs to relax in your place because you don’t allow the worries of the world inside your place.
You might instruct her to take off her shoes because you go “Japanese” style in your house.
You can have her sit on the couch while you make her a surprise cocktail. If she is sitting too far away from you on the couch you can say “come closer, you are too far away”.
As long as you lead her gently in small steps like this that draw her gradually closer and closer to you and get her used to following your lead, it will be much easier when you go to kiss her and touch her. “The Art of the Pickup»” DVD has a full section devoted to this kind of seduction when she is in your home or apartment.
The same principle of gradual leading will be true for when you are in foreplay and you encounter token resistance. As long as you have been leading all along, you just take a step back so that she can trust you, then lead forward again until you are having sex.
That ends another edition of the “Pickup Arts” Newsletter, the takeaway is: always be leading. There is much more to learn, but hopefully you have a good overview you can use for whenever you meet a woman from now on.
To get a deeper understanding of how to lead, be attractive, establish trust and a how to seduce a woman once you are alone with her, stop by “The Art of the Pickup»” web site.
Teaching you the ABCs & Zs,
Ray Devans
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