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So what is the main determinant of success? Why do some people seem to have amazing results and others just stumble through it?
I dont buy that it's looks because there are plenty of good looking people sleeping alone tonight. I dont buy that it's money, because there are rich people out there who couldnt get laid in a prison with a fistful of pardons. I dont even believe that it's "coolness" because what is cool to one person isn't cool to another.
I believe the crucial factor is your frame.
Your frame is where you view your place in the dynamic of an interaction. It’s your position, your status, your role in an interaction.
Whenever two people interact, there is an interplay from which the dynamic develops. An interaction with another person can be viewed in terms of your actions and their reactions, and your reactions to their actions.
Power play is always in effect. Unless you are in a predefined role where rank and status is already set (like the military, etc…) then you play a large role in determining your status in the interaction.
If you don’t set your own status (whether consciously or unconsciously) then the other person will set it for you – most often in their favor, not yours.
The saying goes "Play or be Played".
Let’s first look at your actions. Do you have clear actions with clearly defined goals that are driven by your intent? If not then you need to do so. Everything that you do needs to be clearly defined and congruent.
Try this – stop right now and look exactly at what you’re doing. Define the goal and the purpose of your actions right now. Learn to do this in each moment. Practice being fully conscious in each moment. Know what each moment is for. If the goal of this particular moment is to learn something, then put your full mind into it and don’t do it half-heartedly. In this way, you’ll get the most out of each moment. If your goal is just to relax, then just relax and don’t let anything distract you from it.
Clear actions come from clear purpose and focus IN THE MOMENT.
Now lets look at your reactions to others actions. Other people are always trying to determine their status and have to prove it to themselves by exerting their will over others. How the other person reacts to this determines the other person’s status in the interaction.
For example, let’s say that you start dating a girl. She may test you continually by asking you to do this and that, and you may in fact do nice things for her – but you may only do them because you want to and because you want her to be happy. If you get to the point where she’s saying “jump” and you’re saying “How high?” then there’s a problem because she’s got you under her thumb. You never want to be inferior in a relationship – you should at the least be equal.
Now how do you maintain your power and status in an interaction? Much of your value is based on your reactions to the other person’s actions. In general, if someone wants you to jump and you automatically say “How high?” then your actions are determining that their status is above yours. Sometimes those people in power will have their subordinates do tedious tasks at their slightest whim just to continually demonstrate and reinforce their power.
Our Reactions to others Actions determine our perceived VALUE in the interaction.
But for example if you were to say, “What’s in it for me?” You are automatically putting a value on your actions. You are not giving away your power for free.
When you put value on your reactions, you up your own value in the interaction. Your reactions determine your value. Someone with high value will say things like, “I know you may want me to do this or that, but that doesn’t quite work for me – What can you do for me?” THAT has to be your implicit message whether it is communicated overtly or covertly. Another thing you can say is, “If I do this for you, will you do this for me?” Again, you are putting a value on yourself and there’s nothing wrong with that. Remember that value has to come from yourself first. You have to set your own value.
Im not saying to be a Hard ass and never do anything nice for someone - just to be sure that the motivation is YOURS alone and to be sure that you keep your power - knowing that it is yours alone to give.
Also remember that higher value is attractive. Your actions have to reflect a higher value.
So now that we’ve talked about the Value frame, let’s talk about Authority.
Authority and Value are very much interlinked. Authority in itself conveys value and value conveys a sense of authority.
The Authority frame is when you convey a sense of expertise in something. It is when you have knowledge or skills that are meaningful in a given situation. It is when you have the solutions to problems. Take on the Authority frame in your daily life. Now, you can be an Authority on a particular subject or in a certain part of your life. That’s not just what I’m talking about. What I’m talking about is being an Authority in your OWN life. Be in Charge of your own life. Take back your power if you’ve given it away, realizing that your power is yours to keep and yours to give away if you choose. Every moment is a new moment to choose to take hold of your power. Whenever you set your mind to something and decide to do this no matter what, and then you follow through with what you’ve set – you are demonstrating your power.
When you’ve taken a hold of your power, you can then start to demonstrate Authority and power over others. Start by asking people to do small things for you. It can be anything – just as long as it’s something. When they do small things for you, reward them accordingly and proportionately to what they’ve done for you.
One thing that you can practice is doing what I call a “command train”. Ask someone that you have a close rapport with to do something small for you. Before they can finish that thing, ask them to do another small thing for you, and before they can finish that small thing, ask them to do another small thing for you – and on and on. See how long you can stretch this out before they stop. Oftentimes, you may have people who get on the “command train” and never come off. They don’t have time to process objections to your requests because they are too busy fulfilling the last request. Their critical factor is essentially suspended.
For those into Hypnosis remember that the three KEY factors that define hypnosis are;
1) Focus (in both)
You can also escalate the “command train” using what I call the “Gradient principle”.
The Gradient principle is where you start out asking for something small and innocuous and then gradually escalate your requests until after awhile they are doing things for you that they never would’ve done had you started out with that request.
This is like the frog that was put into water in a pot on the stove. As the water heated up slowly, the frog couldn't tell so it never jumped out of the water and was cooked!
When someone gets on your “command train” be sure to reward them accordingly. The longer you can get them to ride your “command train” the higher your value becomes in the interaction.
So why the emphasis on value? The answer is that the more value you convey, the more authority and attractiveness you'll have, and the more authority and attractiveness you have, the more value you'll convey - and on and on.
Notice how this is a positive feedback loop -
Thoughts, Insights?
IN10SE
2) Suspension of the critical factor (in both)
3) Leading with a strong intent
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