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Congruence is King
by Jay Valens
of The Art of the Pickup
July 31st, 2006
Is the following experience familiar to you?
You just learned a couple of great new ways to be more attractive to women. Both involve displaying a certain kind of attitude or personality, but neither is quite like the other.
You’ve tried both and have seen good results but neither result is quite complete, so you try to mix the methods you’ve learned. But your results get worse instead of better, or at least stay the same. Why?
Women have great social radars and of all the things that raise flags for them, social incongruence is the biggest.
What does that mean?
It means that if she perceives you to have a certain kind of personality and then observes a very different personality from you, even if both are objectively positive, she will be turned off.
Why is she turned off?
Partly, it is because neither personality is likely to be the “real” you and chances are you are only displaying yourself that way to her to try to attract her, and she knows it.
That is like saying to her “I’m not confident enough in myself to show you the real me.” It is actually worse than showing her the “real you” since even if the real you isn’t exactly James Bond, at least if you were comfortable in your own skin it would be a sign of confidence.
Now, I realize that the “real you” may not be attractive enough for the range of women you’re interested in (you ARE reading a newsletter on how to pickup women!).
I realize, also, that you are likely working to improve yourself.
You must, however, realize that trying to “fake it ‘til you make it” will only go so far and your ability to “fake it” will most definitely not come across congruent, thereby making it pretty clear to her that you are, indeed, “faking it”.
Does this mean that trying on different personalities or methods of pickup is wrong or bad? No, certainly not for the guy who is learning to actually be more interesting and enticing to women.
But, that is not the end goal. The end goal is to actually be the person you want or need to be in order to achieve the kind of success that you are looking for.
When people you know offer advice such as “just be yourself”, they are well-meaning but the problem is that your current self is obviously not working, so you need to change and in order to change you must try on different skins until you find one that fits and becomes you.
Until that happens, you will need to “fake it ‘til you make it” and one of the pitfalls along the way is incongruence.
The reason incongruence is such a big deal for women is it makes them wonder, “Clearly this guy is displaying more than one personality, and acting starkly different from one moment to the next, so which is the real him? If one of the ways he’s acting is not the real him, then is the other even the real him? What is he hiding? Why does he need to hide the real him? Is it something bad? If it’s nothing bad, it still means he isn’t confident in himself.”
So, when you are out there practicing learning how to meet and pick up women, you know that you are likely to be incongruent with your “real” self for some amount of time.
This will be the case before finally BEING the man you desire to be, and you are far more likely to make that incongruence apparent when you display different personality types that are starkly in contrast to each other.
Sometimes you notice an attractive woman with a type of man who may not be what most people consider “attractive”. Chances are, although he may not be the archetype of “attractive man”, at the very least, he is probably congruent with himself and confident in his own skin.
You want that, eventually, but you also want to take stock in who you are and determine whether that’s who you want or need to be. If not, of course you work on improving yourself but at the same time you must be conscious of your own congruence.
Before I wrap up, I want to remind you that probably the best tool you can get for yourself when learning not just congruence but the overall art of attraction and pickup, is “The Art of the Pickup»” DVD.
Your king of congruence,
Jay Valens
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