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Original discussion thread: http://fastseduction.com/discussion/fs?action=9&boardid=2&read=89069&fid=23&FirstTopic=0&LastTopic=29
Throughout our lives, we are conditioned to base our confidence off the validation we receive from others. This validation allows us to gauge our relative worth and we then base our self-esteem off this worth.
If you think back, you will find that there was never a time when you were immune to this. Early childhood was all about the validation you received from your caregivers. When you entered school, your grades and your peers chimed in. Upon graduation, your boss, your significant other, and your social surroundings completed the cycle.
Essentially, we are validation whores. We need it. We give it. We seek it out.
On the surface, this process is helpful. It is extremely important when thinking about achieving social success to take into account how others see you. We must always be cognizant of how we are being judged and then adjust our actions accordingly. As it is very difficult to obtain a social goal when you are being universally rejected!
The issue becomes allowing this process to establish and influence your sense of worth.
Your sense of worth needs to be based on what you know of your abilities. It needs to be rooted in your knowledge of what you CAN do and know what you cannot. Only YOU should be the author of your self-esteem.
At another time it is worth discussing how to go about obtaining real value, which your self-esteem should be based on, because to be honest, if you are a lazy piece of shit that cannot hold a conversation, then there isn’t much internally for which you to base your self-worth.
The unfortunate part of this prefacing your confidence on the validation of others is the unbelievable depths we take this damaged way of thinking. Consider the following example, of which I am sure many can relate.
Chuck is a good person. He has some friends, he’s not exactly unattractive, and people generally like him. Now, one thing you should know about Chuck is that he is not what one would call, “good with the women”. In fact, Chuck sucks at it. The interesting thing about Chuck is that once a woman gets to know him, she is usually interested. Therefore, Chuck generally dates people to which he is introduced, usually in his social circle. The real catastrophe is when Chuck goes out to a bar.
This is what normally happens to him:
He enters a bar with friends. Stares at some woman he thinks is hot for about 15 minutes. Right before entering “stalker zone” Chuck finally approaches. After a barely understandable introduction, Chuck begins to falter. He cannot keep the conversation going, and is ejected with a "I am just here to hang out with my friends" or some other blow off line.
Chuck is now depressed, his self-esteem has taken a huge hit, and he proceeds to drink until he passes out in his friends lap.
This happens ALL the time.
If you have core confidence then it not based on what others think about us and it shows. We all know the one person, who acts with confidence no matter where he/she is. This type of confidence is not dependent on context and is always with you. If Chuck had true inner confidence, he not only would not have been depressed by the rejection, but there is an excellent chance he would not have been rejected at all!
Now think about what really happened here. Chuck allowed some woman who does not know him at all, to influence his sense of self worth. While he has friends and family that all tell him how worthwhile he is, this one single rejection leaves him feeling depressed.
What really happened here? Her rejection was not a commentary on him as a person, or his worth, but only a commentary on that fact that Chuck can’t approach a girl properly. Instead, he used this event to call into question his entire base of confidence!
One of main issues with having your confidence based on the validation of others is exactly what we just saw happen to Chuck. The moment validation is removed, even in the slightest way, your confidence declines.
This example can be applied to many different situations. In fact, when something like this happens it is a GOOD thing. The above story informed Chuck in what area he was lacking. The best thing he could do in this situation is to work on this issue.
Others' response to us needs to be observed and taken into account so we can:
• Adjust our behavior to achieve our goals.
Confidence is your single best asset when pursuing social success and to allow your most prized possession to be at the whim of others is a very dangerous proposition.
One of the main things you need to realize in order to obtain true core confidence is that when you do not receive social validation, it is not a reflection on you as a person, but rather a reflection on your lack of ability within the context you find yourself.
Even among those individuals who receive a lot of validation from others, not having core confidence becomes an issue. If you place a person who is normally very confident into a situation where they are receiving little to no validation, watch their confidence slowly ebb away. Amazingly, even though this person has had enough external validation to last a lifetime, the moment they are in a situation that does not supply this, they become starved for it. Confidence based on external validation is a beast that must always be fed, or else it will begin to feed internally.
Can you imagine working in a field for years, knowing and having confidence in your expertise and because one person criticizes you, it puts everything in doubt? This type of thinking is equivalent to what you are doing when you allow your confidence to be impacted by the lack of acceptance from those around you. Nobody knows you better than you do. It needs to be reiterated here that some people have low self-esteem and deserve to! If you have little value in your life and you still project an air of confidence then you are full of shit and guess what? It shows.
This may be the easiest concept to understand and grasp, and the most difficult to actually put into practice.
• Find out what areas we need to improve and work on.
